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Ten years ago if anyone had asked Nancy Bergstein what her world would be like once both of her daughters had left for college, she probably could not have imagined the satisfying, vibrant and full life she leads today. Between working, volunteering, caring for her elderly mother and nurturing her daughters and husband, Nancy has also found a way to turn challenges into successes and incorporate her artistic interests into her life.

The past couple of years have been a watershed time for Nancy’s family – her children went off to college, her mother moved into her home, her husband’s parents were ailing and job securities changed. Nancy has graciously faced what many of her peers are dealing with: being the sandwich generation.

Children making fruit kabobs in an It's Cooking! class

In addition, Nancy runs her own businesses – one teaching children theatre, cooking and photography and another designing “life story books.” Her “life story books” are another source of inspiration and an outlet for Nancy’s creativity. By helping others to synthesize their lives and photographs, Nancy garners a great feeling of accomplishment by creating books that tell their life stories. If all of that were not fulfilling enough, Nancy continues to direct many theatrical productions in the Sudbury and Wayland communities.

Nancy’s Parents Inspire Her Love of the Arts

Nancy with her parents and brother

Nancy’s parents Irene and Leon were very much in love, but were separated two days after they married because of wartime demands. Irene moved back into her parent’s home, longing to be with Leon and be the newlywed she was supposed to be. She spent two years waiting for her husband’s return. Finally he was back, they settled down outside of Boston and shortly thereafter Irene gave birth to Robert, then Nancy.

Nancy’s parents remained deeply in love throughout their years together. They shared a passion for music and theater. Irene was a fabulous artist and created a treasure trove of painted objects, a talent Nancy would also inherit. She says her “father’s lighthearted spirit made any room sparkle. He always had a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Dad was the inspiration behind my love of music and mom inspired my love of theater and art.” Nancy wasn’t encouraged to choose any of them professionally, nonetheless she found ways throughout the years to “bring joy to myself through creativity.”

Although Nancy received her bachelor’s degree in teaching and then her Masters degree in Health Education and Nutrition, her heart was always tugged in the direction of the arts. After several years of teaching in Duxbury, feeling isolated, Nancy left her job to pursue work in Boston. Taking that risk would prove to be one of life’s turning points for it was there that Nancy met her husband, Alan, who reminded her a lot of her father. After marrying and giving birth to two girls 17 months apart, Nancy wanted to restructure her priorities.

A Growing Family and Creative Pursuits

Nancy and her family

Like many parents, Nancy hoped her girls would have all she herself had wished for growing up and more. She left her job in Boston to become a stay-at-home mom so she could devote herself to raising Laura and Julie. “I felt that helping my children find their way in life was one of the most important jobs I could do. I wanted to help them to know themselves well, to take pleasure in their relationships with friends and family, and very importantly, to be grounded so they could get through life’s ups and downs.” Nancy also encouraged her daughters to cultivate their passions while thinking realistically about their futures and what paths could be fulfilling for them.

Anything Goes poster, Curtis Middle School

“During that time, I stayed very involved in our schools and community. Being a teacher allows one to inspire and hopefully make a difference in a child’s future,” Nancy says. Nancy was eventually hired as the Musical Theatre Director of Sudbury’s middle school. She oversaw several successful productions, including Bye Bye Birdie, Guys and Dolls, and Anything Goes. Parents in the community still stop her to talk about the rewards that both the students and community reaped from those experiences.

Program cover from Temple Shir Tikva production

Nancy helmed several productions at her local synagogue as well. During the ten years that she directed shows, the cast, crew and number of musicians under her direction grew, as did the audience size. Nancy’s theatrical endeavors earned her a glowing reputation and brought the temple and community to life. She inspired people to become involved, excited, develop new friendships and to have fun. “I was fortunate in both venues to develop and share in the community spirit, to collaborate with talented, wonderful people, with whom to this day I share friendships. I couldn’t have done those shows without them.”

Becoming a Caregiver

Life became more challenging as the years went on. Nancy suddenly found herself caring for her ailing mother, who moved into her family’s home and has been there for more than two years. “Even though I wasn’t close with my mother when I was younger, taking into account all the factors, living with us seemed the appropriate choice at the time.” Nancy felt it would be better for her mother to be with her family at the end of her life than alone in a facility. Little did Nancy know that this decision would be another major turning point in her life. During this time her children left for college, her husband was out of work and then later began working out of state, and they lost both of his parents within several weeks of each other.

Nancy rose to the occasion by taking care of her mother whose health was deteriorating. She mourned the loss of Alan’s parents, adjusted to their children being away and continued to build and create her own businesses. She juggled all of this without bitterness or self-pity. Her resolve and resilience made it all seem easy and she served as a role model for her daughters and her friends. Nancy concentrated on positive things, grateful to have her beautiful family, wonderful friends and good health.

Nancy with her daughters and mother

Nancy really had no idea what it would be like being an elderly person’s primary caregiver or how long she would be in that position. Although Nancy admits the past couple of years have been stressful, “like most difficult events in life, there have been many valuable lessons to learn. I certainly hadn’t envisioned that at 60-years-old I’d be living at home quietly with my husband and children away often, and me with my 90-year-old mother and a dog!

“Life is ten percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we handle it. Old age can be hard for some people. Watching it first hand on a daily basis has commanded more of me than I probably knew I could handle: the end of life psychology, defining different ailments, learning about medicines, talks of death and personal wishes, managing both the at-home and outside care, how insurances work, how various facilities work (i.e. hospice, rehab, nursing homes and hospitals) and the good and not-so-good doctors. I’ve learned about medical errors, patient rights, shopping for essentials, administering medications, some unpleasant cleaning tasks and educating my family to all of this, and on and on and on. In the past six months alone we’ve journeyed to the hospital five times, hospice twice, rehab twice and have been in and out of our home as well. As her caregiver, I felt sad, too, for all she’s been through and is still going through. I had to learn, however, to rise above caring for my mother and maintain my own happiness, probably one of the hardest but most important lessons a caregiver has to learn,” Nancy explains. She is quick to say that she knows she is not alone in facing these challenges, as many of her peers are in the same situation.

Caring for Herself While Caring for Others

Nancy acknowledges that most people do not know what it is like to be a daily caregiver. “I couldn’t possibly explain the roller coaster ride I’ve been on. Learning to support caregivers of the world is of the utmost importance because they are in a very draining situation, with many emotions running wild. Added to their job description, if it is a child/parent relationship, there can be many past, complicated emotions brought to the surface while dealing with current ones, such as anger, frustration, sadness and guilt.” In addition to processing all of the unforeseen emotions that have come along with caring for her mother, Nancy has become much more aware of the plight of the elderly in America. She feels there is much work and “new thinking our country needs to do regarding the elderly who are unfortunate enough to have lengthy, uncomfortable endings.”

Photography by Nancy Bergstein

By staying connected to friends and family, pursuing her own creative projects like photography and watching her own health, Nancy has been able to maintain a sense of balance throughout this challenging time. She also feels grateful just for the ‘extra’ time she has had with her mother. “Time,” she says, “that we might not have had otherwise to be at peace with each other. Perhaps having difficult times helped me to see the positives more clearly. I’ve gained a new kind of inner strength including how to be more giving, understanding, patient and selfless. I’m a bit mellower being humbled by seeing what life can bring. I have a new empathy for the elderly and for what their lives may be like. I know that having gotten this far, I will continue to face challenges head on.”

By realizing that she’s not alone in caring for two generations – older and younger – Nancy hopes that others will feel less alone as well. “No one is immune to hardships and the “busy-ness” of life. My story isn’t unusual but if one person feels more supported by reading it, I will feel good sharing some of the story of our family’s journey.”

If Nancy has learned anything it’s that “most things that happen during the day are small stuff not to be sweated. The bigger things that cause much personal pain require much inner strength to push through them and that capability lies within us. Our personal happiness comes from our inner selves and the people (and dogs!) we surround ourselves with.”

Her philosophy for life going forward is to try to live in the spirit of ‘Yes!’

If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Abuse is any behavior that is used to control or quash another human being with fear, humiliation, manipulation, intimidation, guilt, criticism etc. Emotional abuse employs verbal and psychological tactics rather than physical ones. Sometimes it can be blatant while other times it can be quite subtle and hard to detect. Chronic devaluing and shaming gradually tugs away at the victim’s psyche leaving long-lasting, sometimes lifelong scars. The abused feels worthless and deserving of this torment. Usually the victim’s greatest fears are being lonely and unloved.

At sixteen years of age, Jenny did not understand why her father called her a “whore”, “slut”, and “tramp.” Her virginity was intact. Sometimes she flirted with boys like the other girls, but never did anything beyond kissing them. She wondered if sleeping with a boy would make her a bad person.

Her father also exhibited dramatic mood swings that left Jenny terrorized and uncertain about what would happen next. He sometimes displayed great affection towards her, but at other times, became enraged and rejected her.  Jenny’s frustration over her father’s name-calling and mood swings grew over time. She felt violated, yet was afraid to speak back to him and communicate her insecurity. Jenny hated herself for not standing up to him. Her mother also feared the father’s abuse and neglected to defend her daughter. Jenny a once bouncy, effervescent little girl, began feeling hopeless and expressed learned helplessness in her teenage years. She was losing her life force. Over time she developed an eating disorder, which became her cry for help.

Some common forms of emotional abuse:

• neglect
• rejection
• isolation
• demands/criticism
• being ignored
• threatened
• domination
• verbal assaults
• unpredictable behaviors

Because emotional abuse can so easily occur behind closed doors, it is often difficult to identify. If children are consistently exposed to emotional abuse at home, they may think the behavior is normal. An emotionally abused child has not necessarily witnessed the way a healthy home environment operates.

Some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse with children and adults:

• anxiety
• depression
• low self-esteem
• guilty feelings
• isolation
• sense of shame
• feeling unlovable
• mood shifts
• substance abuse
• self-abuse
• extreme neediness
• suicidal ideation or attempts

The cycle of emotional abuse: tension and anger increases, there is some explosive incident, followed by a reconciliation and finally a period of calm.

How do you think someone you care about can break the cycle of abuse?

Please stay tuned for Part 3 about some ways to break the cycle of abuse.

Emotional abuse is behavior that controls and manipulates another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt and coercion. The victim’s feelings, needs, thoughts and desires are trivialized and made to seem inconsequential in comparison to the needs of the abuser.

Ellen’s husband, Mike, yelled obscenities at her after she forgot to pick up his dry cleaning. He told her that she was lazy and stupid. When he found her treating herself to chocolate for dessert, after she single-handedly cleared the dinner table and cleaned the dishes, he would go on a tirade about her weight and disgusting appearance. Mike would say, “Why can’t you look as sexy as the other women? I’m ashamed to be seen with you. I deserve better than this.” She would cry and sometimes that made him stop, other times it egged him on.

When I met Ellen, my first impressions were that she was petite and shy. It took her several sessions to start talking about some of Mike’s tantrums and nasty comments. She felt like she was betraying him. None of Ellen’s friends knew anything about Mike’s behind-the-scenes abusive behavior. To them he seemed quite charming and charismatic. Ellen felt alone and deeply ashamed.

She did not know how to go about changing the dynamic of their relationship. They had three children aged four through nine and Ellen refused to compromise their “beautiful family.” She began to internalize her husband’s malicious comments and toxic behavior and developed a sense of self-blame. She was at a crossroads and did not know how to make things better.

She shared, “It wasn’t always this way. Mike was loving and indulgent with me the first few years we were together. It’s the stress of his business and the demands of our family that gets him frustrated and angry. We were so in love back then. Even now after he yells at me, I know he feels guilty. Sometimes he brings me a beautiful piece of jewelry or gift after a fight, because I know he feels so bad.”

At first Ellen did not think of herself as being emotionally abused. She felt deeply saddened and shamed by Mike’s comments as well as guilty for not being able to appease him. She convinced herself that if she could only learn to get things right, their relationship would improve.

Emotional abuse is a kind of “brainwashing” which systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. Constant berating and belittling cuts to the core of the victim and destroys her ability to see things clearly and to perceive a true sense of self.

Often a victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself, as did Ellen, for the abuse. In an attempt to justify her husband’s actions and rationalize his ruthless behavior, Ellen drew all of the responsibility away from her guilty spouse, enabling the nasty criticisms to continue. It is not unusual in these circumstances for the victim to then cling to her abuser.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars or broken bones. Still its’ victims experience it as perhaps the most powerful and deeply injurious form of abuse.

What have you witnessed as the impact of emotional abuse?

How do you suggest dealing with this kind of suffering?

Tom Cruise’s character in Jerry Maguire pleads with his client, Rod “Help me. Help you.” I am reaching out to you, my community of readers, to do the same. Please help me, help you. I launched this blog with the intention of adding value to your lives and making a significant difference outside of my private practice’s  confidential setting. My vision is to make my website more relevant and engaging and I need your help.

Over the past thirty years I have treated adolescents and adults with post-traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, self-destructive behaviors, eating disorders, difficult transitions and complicated losses. I have also coached clients who were not necessarily encumbered with these challenges, and have helped them move forward in pursuit of their goals and dreams.

My wish at this time in my life as a senior psychologist and coach is to address the issues and concerns in your lives that are most meaningful to you.

Every one of us has dealt with some of the darker aspects of life. Some of us are fortunate enough to receive needed love and support during these difficult times. Others do not have these support systems quite where we need them to be. Whether you do or do not, there is always room for a deeper connection and understanding around the challenges in our lives. I encourage you to dig deep and tap into the areas in which you might need some help and answers.

Your comments by email, by phone, on my website and elsewhere have been fabulous. Still, I’ve been wanting to ramp up the relevance of my blog posts and make them come alive for you.

So I’m asking you to “Help me. Help you.” Tell me what subjects I can write about that would really add value to your life.

Women of all ages want and need to come together. When women discover the thread that connects them to each other, they are invariably strengthened and better armed for the challenges and transitions of life. Most women in their fifties have discovered the importance of friendships and support systems.

They want to expand their horizons, yet they are savvy and often worldly. They want to boost their happiness factor even though they live vital and joyful lives. Recently I was asked to write for Vibrant Nation. Vibrant Nation is a website community devoted to smart, independent, successful women age 50+ looking for ways to find mutual support. More than 80,000 women subscribe to the vibrantnation.com website.

Vibrant Nation offers a wealth of information and reflects the passion with which women want to share and connect. Each voice brings experience, richness, authenticity and usually a healthy dose of humor. Some of the topics covered on this site include sexuality, philanthropic world travel, people and politics, friendship, mind–body–spirit, health and beyond.

A compelling aspect of Vibrant Nation is the sense of community you feel once you subscribe. The conversations immediately grab your attention. Women coming together to support each other at any phase of life bring joy and vibrancy to their respective communities.

The secret is to find those communities that speak to you in meaningful ways. I have discovered that sense of community in my coaching groups, writing circle, mah jong club, and my ‘posse’ that comes together to celebrate each other on every possible occasion.

We need to build connection into our daily lives to live in greater balance and harmony. Without sharing experiences and our stories with each other, we are left to feel alone in dealing with life’s demands. The goal is to remain vibrant throughout all the decades of our lives. We need our tribes, communities, girlfriends, support systems – whatever you choose to call it, to live our happiest and most fulfilling lives.

Who are your supportive communities and how do they make you vibrant?

As a “mompreneur” Kim DeYoung brilliantly blends motherhood with entrepreneurship and teaches others how to do it as well as a business coach. Kim is indeed the original “Metromom,” which is the company she created providing a unique place for moms to connect, learn and build their businesses.

Dr. Randy Kamen Gredinger and Kim DeYoung

Kim and I met by chance at a tea party in Manhattan. We engaged in each other’s stories and quickly found a connection over the passion we share for our families and the work that we do. Kim immediately struck me as a compassionate, smart and fierce warrior, determined to find the balance that nurtures her family, her soulful home-based business and the many women she serves.

Motherhood and establishing her own business

Living in Connecticut with her three children and husband, Kim knows what it means to juggle her family, home, business, workouts, friendships and love of decorating. Her life is full, rich and sometimes off kilter. Good mentors and a capacity for great insight provide Kim the knowledge of how to regain her sense of balance.

Kim and family

With the birth of her first child, Kim began to make the shift from corporate to entrepreneurial life. She decided early on that she would not sacrifice her family to succeed. Instead, Kim designed a work/life balance on her own terms and started a company that helps other women do the same.

Kim’s mission is helping women to think smarter, plan better and live richer. “I want women to be empowered to do what they want to do, with whatever provides them joy, income and flexibility. I also believe it’s critical to prepare the next generation to do the same. I want to teach kids to dream big AND make it happen—have a business idea, envision it fully, and see it through completion.”

When Kim was in the throes of growing her Metromom business, her husband was laid off. The stress of building her business and raising her family without the cushion from her husband’s income became a major challenge. With the support of friends, family, colleagues and mentors, Kim made it through intact. She says the challenge of this difficult time has made her stronger, more compassionate for the women she serves and more realistic about her relationship with money.

Kim and her husband

Kim also founded a company called “Get it Done University.” This business is dedicated to teaching entrepreneurial women specific tools and strategies to help them get their ideas out of their heads and into the marketplace. They learn how to make more money, serve more people and make the difference they know they can make.

The role of “teacher” is a powerful and meaningful one to Kim. She considers it an honor to finally fully embrace herself as the “teacher.”

“Integrity and connecting with others are my core values. I always need to be coming from those places to feel good about myself,” Kim shares.

Persevering with the development of her businesses – even when in debt and seriously discouraged by others – Kim believed in herself and stayed the course. She says that one of the greatest challenges in her life has been “being open to the evolving nature of my business. Not getting upset when things ‘fail.’”

Kim believes that the difficult or “dark” side of challenges leads to opportunities. Getting support from others while immersed in difficult times is one of the keys to moving forward. It is always a choice to either remain in the “dark” or to take positive action and find the “light” according to Kim. Her vision is teaching others what she is learning along her own life journey, balancing love, work and fun.

Metromom group with Kim DeYoung

Recently Kim won the Connecticut SBA’s Women in Business Champion of the Year. She says “I think back over the various ‘obstacles’ that could have prevented me from getting this award, such as completing a very comprehensive application process. I realize that at each moment I had a choice to make. Was I going to show up or not? Was I going to do it or was I going to make an excuse? This experience was a huge wake-up call for me and a reminder to show up fully and not make excuses. You just never know where the small moments will lead.”

Kim positioned herself in recent years as a local and national media expert. She blogs regularly both in print and on video and collaborates with other experts in the entrepreneurial world.

How can women learn to be better entrepreneurs?

Kim explained that, “being an entrepreneur means acknowledging that you are in business for yourself. You are the CEO of your own company. It requires a mindset shift to step into that place.

“The doing requires you to determine your priorities for your business, to get clear on how to do what you need to do, to set time aside to do it, and to be open to the evolutionary process of what works and what doesn’t so that you can course-correct.”

She asks her clients, “What are you tolerating in your business or life that you don’t want to tolerate? That is where the opportunity lies. That is where the shift needs to occur. I’m not in business just to make money. Most importantly, I need to feel like I am adding value to others and having a good time. That’s when I feel enlivened and my juices are flowing.”

Kim’s authenticity comes through in her way of teaching, coaching and all of her conversations. She teaches her clients that their marketing needs to be aligned with their core values. This is how being an entrepreneur differs from big business.

In her quintessential program, The Get it Done Challenge, Kim encourages women to “Grow their businesses one project at a time.” She provides them with the tools to make sure that happens.

Kim’s favorite quote is taken from Notes from the Universe (Tut.com):

Kim and friends on Martha's Vineyard

“The real reason so many have trouble with the baby steps – doing all they can, with what they’ve got, from where they are, no matter how humble or seemingly futile – is because they haven’t yet grasped that the baby steps trigger unseen forces that throw wide the floodgates of unstoppable momentum, infinite abundance, and eternal life.”

Most women seem born with the innate ability to juggle. It is no wonder that more than 10 million women-owned businesses in the United States generate close to three trillion dollars in annual revenue according to the Center for Women’s Business Research.

Women are starting businesses at almost twice the rate of men with mothers joining these ranks every day. The newly coined name for these entrepreneurial mothers is “mompreneurs.”

Mompreneurs are mothers raising their children full-time while running their businesses at home. Women have long faced the conflict of family versus career opportunities. In the past choosing a career meant a compromised or nonexistent family life.

Moms typically chose professions like teaching and nursing, which gave them the flexibility to take care of their families. Part-time administrative positions, door to door sales (Avon ladies), home party companies (Tupperware) were other options that allowed women to create their own schedules and work around the needs of the family. Women that did choose full time career paths and raised families almost inevitably felt guilty and inadequate on the job or at home or both.

Today the landscape for women in home-based businesses is expanding steadily in the United States. Women are reinventing ways to become serious breadwinners and to fully embrace their creativity and business savvy as they parent their children.

The biggest issue the mompreneur faces is figuring out how to balance both business and family demands. Mompreneur clubs and websites are cropping up all over the Internet, providing women with the opportunity to learn skills, connect, network, share ideas and resources, market and promote their products and services.

The explosion of social media outlets and new means of communication help to create the appearance of a professional, full blown operation run from a home office, kitchen or basement.

One of the biggest issues for a mompreneur is scheduling – finding ways to delegate so that you can clear the path to either being with your children or concentrating on your business. Creating a support system involving your partner, friends, family or other working moms can lighten the load and make managing a business and a family more pleasurable.

Balancing requires time and effort, but the payoff can be huge. Being there to watch your children’s first steps, carpool them to their play dates and activities as you realize your potential professionally can be deeply fulfilling. While being a mompreneur can be challenging, it is a compelling alternative from the limitations that until recently had been imposed on women seeking to have both a family life and meaningful career.