My relationship with my father was complex. I sometimes wondered what I would say upon his death. Perhaps I would say nothing or perhaps I would blurt out all those things I never dared to express to him directly. Two weeks ago today my father died unexpectedly. Convoluted and tumultuous feelings continue to swirl through my mind and body–there is an ebb and flow and the occasional tsunami of emotion.

In the end I found it to be both healing and instructive to write some of my thoughts down that I said before my friends and family at his Shiva. I chose to mindfully honor my father and the life he lived. What guided me in my search for the right words was being authentic and recognizing the man he was. The power of forgiveness, the potency of journal writing and the strength of my support system helps me through this challenging time.

This is my eulogy to my father. May he rest in peace.

My Father–Paul “Giggy” Kamen

My father was a powerful, charismatic and complicated man.

As a boy he was uprooted from an anti-Semitic Kansas City, Missouri to Hightstown, NJ.–when my grandfather decided it was time to work the soil and get back to basics. My father, his six siblings and my babushka wearing grandmother, moved to the farm–125 acres of crops, chickens, cows and a horse or two.

At seventeen my father snuck out of the second floor window of his farmhouse and left that farm with little more than the shirt on his back. As he often said, “He never looked back.” No way was his life going to be about milking cows and tending to chickens.

He took tremendous pride in being able to take care of himself under any circumstances. He was self–educated and the quintessential self–made man. As he stepped away from the butter and egg business, to my mother’s family decorating business, to a successful career in real estate, he always looked ahead toward the next challenge.

Some time before exiting the farm, he met my mother at a summer camp that rented space from my grandfather’s farm. Later, when he made his way to New York City he took my mother out for a couple of dates. Nothing much came of it–until one day he heard that my mother’s father fell off the garage while making roof repairs and died instantly before my mother’s eyes.

He rushed over with an armload of groceries to help out and somehow this tragedy brought them together. They married on Christmas Day in 1947 during the worst blizzard of the century and almost no one showed up. They remained together for more than 50 years until my mother’s untimely death in 1998.

My father worked hard. He had guts, good instincts and big goals. He provided well for his family. Taking his cues from my mother, we traveled extensively, became well–educated and had many rich cultural experiences.

My father loved to argue any side of any subject and was always quick to invite debate, “argument for its own sake” he called it. He possessed a hungry and penetrating mind. He loved numbers, games and most importantly the art of the deal. Competition ran through his veins and winning made things all the better. His passion for business, sports and bridge is where he found his greatest solace.

Everything he did was self-taught and he taught himself well.

My father did not often show a tender side, except when it came to my children, Amy and later Max. He loved to hold each of them as babies. On certain occasions Amy would cry inconsolably. My father would gently rock her in his arms until she fell asleep. He would let her remain in the safety of his arms for long stretches of time. The same was true when Max came along.

Only in the last few years did he become able to tell me and my three siblings that he loved us, that he was proud of our accomplishments and the people we had become.

On Monday, his doctor suggested that he check into the hospital because of his chest pains. But, no! Being his usual stubborn self, he would not hear of it. He had a bridge tournament later that night which he refused to miss. He never did make it.

Last night after Friday evening services at Shir Tikvah we went home to pick up some things from our deconstructed house, before heading back to the hotel where Martin and I have been living for the last two weeks. In the mailbox was a belated birthday card addressed to Amy from my father. It was postmarked March 28th–the day of his death. His last thoughts were about his grandchildren. In the card he also sent his love to us all of us–which he underscored. I believe this was his way of saying good–bye.

If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Striving to create a meaningful website and blog, DrRKG: Gaining Balance and Strategies for Happiness, I write several posts each week. When the blog launched in January 2010, writing these posts felt like a daunting task. I labored over the composition of each one. Now several months and 70 posts later, I feel as though I found my stride, with the help of your insightful comments and encouragement.

To address the main focus of the blog – balance and happiness – I would like to share with you my first e-Book, The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun. Please read it at your leisure and recommend it to your friends and colleagues.

In the e-Book you will read…

The multiple roles of women sometimes take us down an unhealthy and unhappy path. Women in our culture inevitably feel like we are not doing enough, regardless of what path we choose. As we juggle being daughters, sisters, mothers, partners, workers, and homemakers – we need to discover ways to be true to ourselves about what feels most important. The challenge is to incorporate the activities we must do with the activities that we want to do for ourselves. Then, regardless of how hectic our lives become, we feel that we are living authentically and tapping into what is closest to our hearts.

The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun was written with you in mind. You will find simple and effective strategies for creating more balance and happiness in your everyday life.

Although adding to anyone’s to do list seems counter-intuitive considering how extraordinarily busy most of us tend to be, I encourage you to practice the keys that resonate with you. Most of the keys discussed do not require a major time commitment.

Start with small steps and you are more likely to be successful in the ongoing process of balancing your life. By eventually integrating all of The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun, I know you will feel more energized, enriched and enlivened.

Please subscribe and leave a comment…

If you have not already subscribed to www.DrRKG.com, please sign up. Along with receiving a free e-Newsletter every other week, subscribers will receive The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun. Please share this with a friend, too.

I would love to know your thoughts and read your comments regarding any of the keys. Share your own tips for balancing love, work and fun.

What do you think is the most important key to finding balance in work, love and fun?

Creative writer and book coach, Lisa Tener, quotes Brenda Ueland, “I learned that you should feel when writing, not like Lord Byron on a mountain top, but like a child stringing beads in kindergarten – happy, absorbed and quietly putting one bead on after another.” These words capture Lisa’s keenness for her craft and modesty about her accomplishments. Her creative mind contemplates writing projects and ideas for interesting angles and perspectives for her book-coaching clients.

We first met at the Harvard Writing and Publishing Course, where Lisa was leading a workshop on developing a more compelling writing style. She arrived with her newborn baby in one arm and her papers in the other. A minute before the session began her mother-in-law scooped up her beautiful boy and Lisa began her talk without missing a beat. Her workshop drew me into the world of writing creative non-fiction. I knew when I began my blog, www.DrRKG.com that Lisa was sure to be one of my inspiring women.

A Sheltered Childhood Leads to a Fertile Imagination

Lisa Tener as a baby with her parents

Lisa grew up in Queens, New York with her parents, siblings and grandmother. Her father was an English teacher and her mother a watercolor artist. Lisa, the oldest of three, grew up in a protective environment and was not encouraged far from venture far from home.

As a child Lisa’s imagination blossomed. She immersed herself in writing poetry and stories. As she grew up Lisa often imagined herself becoming an author. She wrote down her made up stories that she later learned was called fiction.

“My happiest memories are of nature and of being creative: writing poems, making up songs, putting on plays with my siblings, putting on puppet shows for the summer neighborhood in New Brunswick, Canada. We got written up in the Moncton Times and filled a large barn with audience members. Our summer place was on huge beach where the tides are extremely low and high, so at low tide you can walk out unusually far across the beach–between the seaweed covered rocks and the tide pools. It looked like another planet. I often imagined filming a science fiction movie on that beach.

Lisa Tener as a teenager with family

“I wrote poetry there. I remember one night waking up at four in the morning and writing and writing, watching the sun rise over the Fundy bay and writing poems about the sunrise and about writing poetry. That was the closest I ever got to god in my childhood.”

When Lisa was in third grade her grandmother gave her a diary. Her grandmother explained that she could write about whatever flowers she saw blooming on her way to school. Her April birthday gave way to descriptions and stories about crocuses. Then her fourth grade diary took her down the path of writing about her friends and the dramas of her childhood. Lisa noted that her diaries invariably had a self-improvement quality to them. Each year she wrote New Year’s resolutions with promises to stop biting her nails and losing her temper.

Eventually her diary became more of a journal. She replaced the locked sixth grade diary with spiral bound notebooks and single entries stretched on for pages. With more pages, she became more creative. She began to write poetry again and doodle. As Lisa grew older her journal entries became more interwoven with the beginnings of stories, most of which went unfinished.

Journaling Practice Leads to Lisa’s First Published Book

Lisa’s first solo adventure was coming to Boston to attend Massachusetts Institute of Technology for her bachelors and masters degrees. Upon graduation she worked as a nonprofit executive for several years, until she decided to ask the board of directors for a job share so that she could write her first book. Much to Lisa’s amazement they agreed to her request. After that, they agreed to permit her two more years of job sharing.

Lisa with husband and sons

Lisa married a man from a different cultural and religious background and found that they complemented each other well. After they began their family together, Lisa stayed at home with her baby, continued to write and slowly grew her home-based business.

“My first published book grew out of one of these spiral notebook notations. I used the polarity therapy I’d learned to explore and created these exercises I later termed anger-obics. The book, The Ultimate Guide to Transforming Anger, took shape when I teamed up with my co-authors, Peaco Todd and Jane Middelton-Moz, but the journaling really got me started.”

On a more personal note Lisa faced the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. An unexpected positive result of this challenge opened Lisa up to the world of spirituality and alternative methods of healing. Polarity therapy gradually helped her to heal. It is no surprise that this method of healing gave Lisa the idea for her first book.

Channeling Creativity While Promoting Her Career
As A Book Writing Coach

Lisa is married with two sons, one in pre-school and another in elementary school. She has a thriving business as a book writing coach. These days she is journaling less because of the demands of her everyday life. But even when she’s on a business call with clients she finds herself doodling. Lisa says, “I think the doodling integrates my creative and analytical sides and allows me to bring both to the client’s work.” Perhaps it is her way of keeping her creative juices flowing or as she explained, “The muse within finds a way to express itself – and not for sharing, not for understanding myself, not for creating something out of it – just for the sake of expression. Pure, unselfconscious life force streaming from my pen, for no other reason than just being creative.”

Book coaching class

In Lisa’s work as a book writing coach, she inspires others to write their books and get them published. She also teaches private book writing courses – as a tele-seminar and as a local class in Narragansett, Rhode Island. Narragansett is in one of the most beautiful spots on earth, surrounded by ocean on a rocky point that juts into the Atlantic.

“I feel so lucky to do work that I love. It brings together all of my skills. I have a knack for helping someone take a raw idea and transform it into something marketable. It combines creativity, collaborative energy and intuition. I also love editing, because it’s like a puzzle, finding the perfect way to say something, or drawing the writer out and helping to make the writing come alive for the readers.”

Lisa has been on the faculty of the Harvard Medical School CME Publishing Course for five years. Her clients have landed publishing contracts with Simon and Schuster, Prometheus Books, Beyond Words and Random House. She has been featured in Body and Soul magazine and quoted in many national news outlets.

Regina Brooks, literary agent, writing coach Lisa Tener and Dr. Randy Kamen Gredinger

Advice on Nurturing Creativity and Completing a Book Project

Lisa told me she has notebooks scattered throughout her house. They contain snippets of dreams, book ideas, a word-mandala practice that she recently developed and lots of doodles. Periodically Lisa goes through these journals tearing out the writing and filing the pages into categories. She says that scattered information burdens her energetically.

She shared “It’s interesting how many creative ideas pop out over time in those journals. I think creativity is like breathing. You just do it and do it and most of it never turns into a product, but it’s just something we need to do–for our minds, bodies, hearts and spirits. And if only one-tenth of one percent of it turns into something usable, that’s okay.”

When asked about her interests Lisa says she loves to dance, walk along the cliff walk in Newport, make up songs and sing.

Finding a career that gives her flexibility allows Lisa to be the parent she wants to be. Her current goal is to integrate more play-time into her life. Lisa is an inspiration in her ability to be a wonderful mother, coach, and teacher, helping others bring their books to life.

Spring/summer registration for Lisa’s book-writing courses is now closed. However, as a special offer to my subscribers, you can sign up for the series that begins September 29 or October 1 and she will provide you with the materials and a private book consultation to get an early start on the project this spring/summer. In addition, if you e-mail Lisa before May 31 for the special “Randy’s friends” pricing, you’ll save $1,500 off the entire program. You could have a first draft of your how-to book or memoir in your hands by the end of the year.

Randy@DrRKG.com

www.DrRKG.com

Years ago the ritual of journal writing or keeping a diary was common. Today few people recognize the power and profound benefits behind this practice. In the field of psychology, journal writing is considered to be one of the key ingredients to making true behavioral change. It is often said that, “If you can track it, you can change it.”

Psychologists often tell their patients to keep track of:

• Dreams if they are looking to gain greater personal clarity
• Everything you eat if you are trying to manage your weight or an eating disorder
• Mood swings if you are trying to control a mood disorder
• Sleep habits if you want to control your sleep patterns
• Whatever you feel grateful for if you want to experience more gratitude and happiness in your life

Keeping a journal requires only a notebook and a writing implement and you are ready to go. One of the most essential features of keeping a journal is to create consistency in your recordings. It does not have to be daily but frequency does help to establish your journal writing as a habit. Journal writing need not be time-consuming. Ten minutes a day for six weeks and you will notice the dramatic effects.

The Ten Benefits of Journal Writing

1. Helps to clarify your goals and dreams
2. Fosters awareness about your personal life and the world around you
3. Allows you to think through your actions and minimize impulsiveness
4. Clarifies the roles of the important players in your life
5. Improves the ability to control strong emotions, as you have already expressed them on paper
6. Allows you to understand more clearly developments in your relationships
7. Develops your writing skills which facilitates other writing projects
8. Keeps you company wherever you go
9. Creates an opportunity to settle down
10. Reduces stress, improves coping abilities and feelings of happiness

Any day is a perfect day to begin writing in your journal. It usually takes six weeks for a habit to form. After that you will probably find the ritual of journal writing quite compelling and gratifying.

What benefits do you derive from keeping a journal?

Julie Silver, M.D., the inspiring director of Harvard Medical School’s compelling conference on Publishing Books, Memoirs and other Creative Nonfiction, encourages participants with their writing efforts and guides them down the path to becoming published authors. Networking opportunities with agents, publishers, editors, and fellow writers abound at this annual conference.

My first time attending the three-day Harvard publishing course, I sat listening, absorbing, percolating. A book I wanted to write was beginning to take shape in my mind, although initially I knew little of the process. For six months I did nothing except mull over all the new information I had been subliminally processing.

Lisa Tener

One rainy afternoon I decided to sign up for Lisa Tener’s writing course. We met at the conference and I thought being accountable to Lisa and the internet based group would help me stay focused. The course was designed for students to create a first rough draft by the end of six weeks.

Those six weeks flew by and I ended up with little more than scattered note cards and random pages of incoherence. Nevertheless I had begun my journey. I jumped into the murky waters of writing and while I hated the frustration of writing, I loved the magic when I succeeded in expressing my thoughts in a meaningful way.

Another conference and several months later an outline emerged from the scribbles. I kept on writing, as advised at the conference, without much concern for editorial help. “Write fast. Edit slow.” These words keep running through my mind.

Jeanne Fredericks, literary agent

In time I got some editorial help and began to cultivate my style and voice, which I continue to do. My proposal took shape. About nine months later, I landed a first rate literary agent. Jeanne Fredericks of Jeanne Fredericks Literary Agency has been my guiding light ever since. She encouraged me to become a thought leader in my field and to develop a social media presence.

Writing books today encompasses much more than being the author of a book. It is about being able to communicate to readers in a variety of media outlets.

As I navigate through this compelling writing voyage, I find myself experiencing surprising opportunities.

Regina Brooks, literary agent, writing coach Lisa Tener and Dr. Randy Kamen Gredinger

I recently completed yet another Harvard writing and publishing course. Thanks to Dr. Julie Silver, director extraordinaire, for this most extraordinary conference that truly helps people bring their books to life.

Throughout my life I’ve always had a secret passion for writing. Stacks of journals accumulated over the years line my office book shelves. My first journal dates back to second grade. Back then I wrote about the activities of the day, the weather or the food I ate. Over time the writing became more inspired and more of an expression of my inner world, my relationships, losses, successes, dreams and aspirations.

In college and graduate school, I wrote as a way of communicating ideas, research and different views with others. My career as a psychologist led me down the path of writing extensively about the lives of my clients. Writing always inspires a deeper understanding and connection with my inner world as well as the particular subject about which I write.

For a long time I knew that I had at least one book to write. It was only a matter of time. Three years ago I attended Harvard Medical School’s Publishing and Writing Course organized by Dr. Julie Silver. The course jump-started the process of writing my book. What Women Need: The 12 Prescriptions for Gaining Balance and Happiness became the working title after a brainstorming naming session with twenty dear friends.

Twice I attended the Harvard Medical School Writing and Publishing Course. By the time I took the second writing course, my proposal had been drafted and I had the opportunity to pitch my book at the conference. The support, information and guidance offered during this course catapulted my wish to write a book into a reality.

Twelve months were spent outlining ideas, gathering information and collecting women’s compelling stories. Then, by following the format of Michael Larsen’s How to Write a Book Proposal and taking some additional writing courses, I wrote the first draft of my book proposal. With persistence I pursued a wonderful literary agent whom I had initially met at the Harvard Writing Course. I knew I wanted Jeanne Fredericks to represent my book. Jeanne’s warmth, intelligence and insight immediately won me over.

Almost nine months after our first meeting, Jeanne Fredericks offered to represent What Women Need, which of course I enthusiastically accepted.

Last year I had the opportunity to present on the topic of Overcoming Writer’s Block at the Harvard Course. It was thrilling for me to present at this illustrious conference. Veteran writers and “newbies” from all parts of the globe come together and share their passion for writing. They find the guidance and support needed to push them to the other side. Their dreams become manifested at this conference.

Recently I was asked by writing coach Lisa Tener to discuss the process of getting a literary agent. Lisa and I first met at the Harvard Writing Course, where I attended one of her workshops. Please visit Lisa’s site and read that story at Lisa Tener’s writing blog.

What do you do to express yourself, your experiences and your inner world?