Give yourself and your loved ones the best gift of all by focusing on the magic and true spirit of the holiday season. Often busyness, expectations and multitasking eclipse the essence of the holidays. Savor the holiday season and create new memories.

Here are 10 ways to maximize this merry month:

1. Take care of yourself. You’ll have more good energy to share with others. Schedule time for rest, bubble baths, walks, and writing in your journal. A little self-nurturing can go a long way.
2. Slow down. Focus on deepening connections with friends and family instead of filling your time with meaningless errands and stuff.
3. Think gratitude. Thank those who have helped or supported you throughout the year. A visit, personal note or phone call can be really make a difference in communicating your appreciation and strengthening a relationship.
4. Focus on the good in others. Recognize the unique gifts that each of your friends and family members bring to your life.
5. Be patient. During the holiday season it is sometimes easy to let the lines, traffic, parking and other situations irritate us. Rather than getting aggravated, take some deep breaths and be in the moment.
6. Forgive someone who disappointed or hurt you. Remember forgiving another benefits you more than the person who let you down. In fact, forgiveness is one of the keys to happiness.
7. Practice random acts of kindness. Help those less fortunate and reach out to whomever – just because.
8. Celebrate your accomplishments. Take time with your family and your friends to revel in whatever good fortune you’ve had as you usher in another holiday season.
9. Eat smart. Yummy foods abound during this time of year. Appreciate the bounty and enjoy. You can still stay conscious of your choices and portion control.
10. Don’t worry. Be happy!!!

Wishing you all a safe, happy, love-filled holiday season.

With love and inspiration,

Cutting or self-injury (SI) is about scratching or cutting your body with a sharp object (scissor, razor blade, paper clip, glass, tweezers etc.) enough so that the skin is broken and bleeds. As was mentioned in Cutting Part 1, this behavior is not usually meant as a suicidal gesture.

Every story regarding why an adolescent would engage in cutting behavior is different, yet there are certain commonalities.

• Adolescents who cut experience powerful feelings of loneliness and isolation.
• Often these are kids who have been bullied or rejected by their peers.
• Their parents have unrealistically high expectations, or they have witnessed domestic abuse of some sort.
• Invariably kids that cut do not feel as though they have a good support system. They do not feel that the important people in their life really listen or understand them.
• These adolescents do not know how to handle the overwhelming and complicated emotions (sadness, rage, loss, desperation, loneliness, powerlessness, fear, emptiness, abandoned, hatred, confusion, unlovable…). The turmoil and pain is simply too much to bear and they often feel powerless to make things better. Cutting is a self-abusive behavior that is intended to relieve emotional pain and suffering.
• Most cutters are girls, though not always. Cutters often begin to experiment with this behavior in early adolescence. Though most cutters grow out of this self-injurious behavior, some do not and continue into adulthood.
• Usually the scratches or scars are made in places that are hidden from others (wrists, arms, legs, bellies) so that the cutters can maintain secrecy.

Getting Help

• The first step is getting emotional support for the cutter. The urge to cut is always associated with unexpressed emotion. At times kids need hospitalization for cutting so that they can have an intensive inpatient experience before they begin the more long term process of talking, understanding and teasing out the underlying feelings and issues.
• Cutting often involves a “dual diagnosis.” This means the adolescent can also be suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.
• Once the problem has been identified cutters need to find venues for talking to trusted friends, adults, counselors, teachers, doctors, or clergy which helps move along the healing process. Connection and communication are keys to overcoming this behavior. While difficult at first, talking and feeling heard are essential to emerging from this self-destructive behavior.
• Although witnessing this behavior in a young (or any) person can be quite disturbing, parents, teachers and caretakers need to support, rather than blame.

Some Behavioral Strategies for Helping the Cutter

There are ways of dealing with emotional pain that are far more effective than cutting. Sometimes adolescents don’t have great coping mechanisms in place just yet. Here are some ideas that might shift your attention and help you minimize or eliminate behavior to prevent seriously injuring yourself.

• Call a friend or communicate with someone trusted the minute the impulse strikes.
• Remove all sharp objects from your room. If you do find yourself with a sharp implement, consider carving something out of wood or even a fragrant bar of soap.
• Take a walk, exercise, draw or paint, write, keep a journal, sing or listen to music to self-express and to shift the focus away from cutting.
• Wear a rubber band around the wrist and when the impulse to cut comes, snap the band tightly. It will sting, but not create the same risk factors as cutting.
• Take a red marker and draw the places where you want to cut, so that it is “as if” you are cutting without the damage.
• Hold an ice cube on the area that you want to cut until it burns, so the pain sensation is felt, but again without real injury to the body.
• Learn some relaxation techniques such as abdominal breathing, meditation, self-hypnosis, chanting. Practice saying affirmations that feel meaningful to you.
• Learn to love and respect yourself to continue getting the help you need.
• Remember that you can overcome this behavior with practice and getting the right resources. You are worth it. You matter. You have what it takes to succeed. You can help others with what you learn. This is an important journey to self-awareness and self-love.

Of all the strategies listed, in my experience the one that is by far the most powerful is learning to communicate in a healthy with others and building effective support systems. When strong positive relationships are in place, these self-injurious impulses not only quiet down but also often cease to exist.

Some of the methods are good to use when the cutting mind is still actively focused on this self-injurious behavior. Eventually the thought to hurt oneself should quiet down with therapy and by learning other coping strategies.

What are your thoughts about how to get the word out and educate others about the complicated issue of cutting?

How can you balance: love, work, and fun?

How can you fill yourself so that you have more energy, motivation and the capacity to give without feeling depleted?

How can you strengthen your level of happiness, resilience, support and mindfulness?

The What Women Need Coaching Group is about creating your vision and goals and turning possibilities into realities. The conversations and coaching that take place and the quality of the connections, propel participants into clarifying and realizing personal and professional goals and dreams.

Randy Kamen Gredinger, Ed.D. psychologist and life coach will be leading the group. Please read my bio and press page for more information about my background and experience.

A new WWN Coaching Group is beginning on Tuesday evening, December 7th from 7:00-10:00 p.m. Meetings will be monthly. There will be 8-10 participants in the group. For flow, continuity and maximum results a six month commitment is required. Each 3 hour session is $125.

Some of the words women have used to describe how they feel in WWN Coaching Group: “inspired… energized… connected… motivated… recharged… optimistic… strengthened… enlivened… happier…”

I hope you will join us for this group. There are several spots available. Please feel free to recommend this coaching group to other women.

The WWN Coaching Group will meet  in Wayland, MA. Tea and light yummy snacks will be served. I hope you will be able to join this dynamic atmosphere and connect with an awesome group of women.

Register on my website DrRKG.com or by email Randy@DrRKG.com with the attached registration form. Contact me with any questions or concerns that you may have.

With light and inspiration,

Randy

Randy Kamen Gredinger,Ed.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Life Coach

Individual coaching consultations are also available upon request.

Deadline for application: December 1st, 2010

Registration for What Women Need Coaching Group

Name:

Address:

Email:

Cell phone:

Home phone:

Occupation:

What do you hope to get out of the WWN Coaching Group?

Who referred you to WWN Coaching Groups?

This video describes some of the essential characteristics of the happiest women.

Some of the activities of the happiest women include:

The happiest women surround themselves with loving family and friends. In general they spend the least amount of time alone.

They do not measure themselves by other people’s standards.

The happiest women get immersed on a regular basis in flow activities. Flow activities are projects or interests that occupy the mind in such a deep way that we lose track of time.

Painting, writing, yoga, dancing, working, gardening or just being with friends are all great examples of flow activities. It is best when these activities are integrated into one’s daily routine.

Happy women pursue personal growth and intimate connections throughout their lives.

The happiest women also know or learn how to forgive readily.

What are one or two things you can do to add to your happiness factor?

I have found in my work as a psychologist that to bring more joy into your life, you need to foster you relationships by connecting regularly with friends and family members.

Choose to be with people who lift your spirits and are not the ones who bring you down.

It may require some time and energy on your part to initiate a new relationship or strengthen an existing one. Either way you are guaranteed to feel happier by being proactive.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

Happiness is a result of living a life filled with loving relationships and flow activities.

The best part is that you are having fun while boosting your sense of connection and well-being.

Thanks for joining me.

With love and inspiration,

Dr.RKG

Please share your comments about what brings joy and happiness into your life.

Linda Joy exudes passion, fierce determination and great kindness. She takes pleasure in turning people on to her hard won secrets and strategies. Linda shares her expertise with disarming enthusiasm. “Let me help you.” “You can do this.” “That’s easy. Let me show you.” These are heartfelt expressions that roll off her tongue with ease and authenticity. Linda singlehandedly cultivated a successful life path for herself and her beautiful daughter, refusing to let financial struggles stop her from building the life she envisioned.

Born in Taunton, MA, Linda grew up the oldest of four children and took the reins as caregiver to her younger siblings. She dropped out of high school feeling overwhelmed, confused and probably a little burnt out. Linda knew without a high school degree she would not have the best career opportunities nor would she be able to make the most of her potential. Several years later she summoned the inner strength to get back to school and complete her GED. After that she continued her education by taking college courses whenever she could.

Daughter Niki at 3yrs

Transforming from Welfare Mom to Award Winning Entrepreneur

Linda described herself as “…a single, struggling welfare mom with little to no self-esteem. My daughter was my catalyst for wanting to become not only a great mother but to be the best person I could be.” She entered a state funded job-training program to improve her professional skills. The training program consisted of a group of single moms who could barely afford diapers.

During that time Linda knew that she and these other women needed to look professional if they were to score jobs. She took it upon herself to find a consignment shop and brought some of the women shopping. Linda felt personally encouraged by looking like a businesswoman and at the same time inspired the others. With their new clothes and confidence she and the other women felt like “maybe I can do this, maybe I do deserve a better life.”

Linda then discovered her first mission. She witnessed the transformation of the other welfare moms when they looked and felt good about themselves. Linda knew she had to create a place where women could come and move into their power. Making attractive business attire available to women without jobs or money to spare opened a door of hope for them. As women slipped into their new wardrobes, they emanated strength, pride and hope for something better for themselves and their children. Looking successful was an important first step for many of the women in feeling worthy and actively pursuing their dreams.

May 99 SBA Award Ceremony

Linda’s determination to start her own business remained strong, even though the prospect of failure terrified Linda. She overcame her fear and opened her first consignment business in 1992.  She began her upscale consignment shop with $2500 and a burning desire to affect the lives of other single and struggling moms. “I wanted to create a space that gave every woman who walked in the door an opportunity to provide for themselves and their children with more than just clothing, but a sense of pride and self-esteem.”

Feb 2000 NBC appearance

Linda persevered and her consignment shop flourished. Women came for the clothing and they returned because of Linda’s beautiful and contagious energy. In 1999 Linda won the Small Business Association, Welfare-to-Work Entrepreneur of the Year for the state of Massachusetts. This honor validated her efforts and she began receiving national media attention about her accomplishment. She recalled the thrill of sharing her story about conquering obstacles to achieve her dreams on the NBC talk show, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

Linda views her life’s challenges as necessary “stepping stones to guide me to who I am and where I am now.”  She knows now that all of her “perceived obstacles” were crucial to prepare her for the multiple roles she assumes today.

Her journey of self-discovery over the past twenty years deepened her sense of self and compassion for others.  She explains, “that women spend so much of their lives looking for external validation and wisdom. ALL they need they already have.  All the wisdom is within. They just need to turn inward and listen.” Linda longed to make an even bigger difference in the lives of women and began writing and creating venues for women to come together.

Inspiring Women through her website and Aspire Magazine

Aspire Oct/Nov 2010

Linda is now an entrepreneur, speaker and publisher. She founded AspireMag.net in 2005, a premiere magazine with the goal of stimulating women to lead more authentic and inspired lives. She encourages women to share their wounds, fears and self-doubt. “I have been where they are and I can offer hope, love and support.” Linda helps women tap into their innate gifts and voices so that they can find balance, discover their own inner passions and deepen their connections with others.”

InspiredLivingPublishing.com, the publishing company Linda founded, provides women with traditional and nontraditional opportunities to publish and share their “wisdom, insight and stories with women around the globe.”  She is drawn to stories of the ‘everyday woman’ who moves through her fears in search of a life of fulfillment and authenticity. All of Linda’s business endeavors revolve around her goal of inspiring women to live more meaningful lives.

She assures women that they can choose to move through their pain and reach a life of joy and passion.  Linda provides women with the inspiration, tools and strategies so that when they are ready to change their lives, they will get the support they need and thrive.

Aspire's Mission to Inspire 100,000 Women

With all of her business ventures and accomplishments, Linda’s most proud accomplishment is raising and participating in the life of her wonderful, compassionate daughter. “She has blessed my life beyond anything I could have ever imagined.” Linda led the way for her daughter through her commitment to being the best she could possibly be and to give back to others whenever possible.

Hoping to empower women, Linda explains that every one of us is here to fulfill a purpose and that our life is a journey bursting with opportunities to discover that purpose. Linda’s works passionately and relentlessly to inspire women to dig deeply and listen to that still voice within their “inner wise-woman” and act accordingly. Linda epitomizes the vision of “inner wise-woman.”

Linda Joy’s Latest Venture is a new book: A Juicy, Joyful Life

A Juicy, Joyful Life

Recently hit bestseller on Barnes & Noble and #1 in Hot New Releases in two categories on Amazon!

“Meet an extraordinary group of women who have blessed and honored me by sharing their innate wisdom, insights and heart-felt stories in the pages of A Juicy, Joyful Life. Each woman shines her personal light in the pages of this inspirational anthology, and collectively guides you through the intimate trail of self-discovery,” Linda Joy explains. No doubt, Linda herself has led the way.

In her dedication to inspire women across the world Linda launched the “Mission to Inspire 100,000 Women” campaign and committed to giving away 100K subscriptions to Aspire.  Get yours today at www.SubscribetoAspire.com which comes with over 60 complimentary gifts.

Living the fast-paced, glamorous New York City lifestyle, Dena Patton started a thriving business there at the age of only 24. Just a few years later, she suffered a minor stroke that changed the course of her life. After consulting a life coach to help her make some lifestyle changes, Dena decided to become a life coach herself. In 2004 she founded Chat, Chew & Chocolate, (CCC), an online community of women looking for connection and inspiration. In addition to local live chapters, Dena organizes CCC retreats in Arizona where she is based.

The retreats are designed for women to connect, relax and rejuvenate. I will be participating in the next retreat – October 1-3, 2010 – as a mentor and facilitator. The other featured speakers are well-known life coach and Oprah Magazine contributor, Martha Beck and Biggest Loser winner and author, Ali Vincent.

Chat, Chew & Chocolate Logo

One of my passions has been working with women in the nurturing environment of the health spa, where relaxation and learning are beautifully woven together. I have led my own groups at Canyon Ranch and Red Mountain Spa for years.

Attending events like this gives me a chance to connect with a wide spectrum of women from all over the country.  And now sharing the platform with other accomplished women adds an exciting new dimension for me personally and professionally.

While I cherish my private therapy practice, I look forward to opportunities to get outside of my routine to embrace new experiences and make new friends. Along with the CCC retreat in October, I will be traveling to Los Angeles later in October for the California Women’s Conference.

Also, as a writer, I love listening to the stories women reveal about their lives when they feel relaxed and safe. Seems like everyone comes away from this venue inspired and energized.  The benefits of travel, adventures, and opening yourself up to new people and experiences often has a profound impact on your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Looking forward to sharing my upcoming encounters on DrRKG.com and  VibrantNation.com.

At the moment there are still several spots available at the CCC retreat in October. The next one will be in February, 2011.

It would be fabulous if you could join us there!

If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Abuse is any behavior that is used to control or quash another human being with fear, humiliation, manipulation, intimidation, guilt, criticism etc. Emotional abuse employs verbal and psychological tactics rather than physical ones. Sometimes it can be blatant while other times it can be quite subtle and hard to detect. Chronic devaluing and shaming gradually tugs away at the victim’s psyche leaving long-lasting, sometimes lifelong scars. The abused feels worthless and deserving of this torment. Usually the victim’s greatest fears are being lonely and unloved.

At sixteen years of age, Jenny did not understand why her father called her a “whore”, “slut”, and “tramp.” Her virginity was intact. Sometimes she flirted with boys like the other girls, but never did anything beyond kissing them. She wondered if sleeping with a boy would make her a bad person.

Her father also exhibited dramatic mood swings that left Jenny terrorized and uncertain about what would happen next. He sometimes displayed great affection towards her, but at other times, became enraged and rejected her.  Jenny’s frustration over her father’s name-calling and mood swings grew over time. She felt violated, yet was afraid to speak back to him and communicate her insecurity. Jenny hated herself for not standing up to him. Her mother also feared the father’s abuse and neglected to defend her daughter. Jenny a once bouncy, effervescent little girl, began feeling hopeless and expressed learned helplessness in her teenage years. She was losing her life force. Over time she developed an eating disorder, which became her cry for help.

Some common forms of emotional abuse:

• neglect
• rejection
• isolation
• demands/criticism
• being ignored
• threatened
• domination
• verbal assaults
• unpredictable behaviors

Because emotional abuse can so easily occur behind closed doors, it is often difficult to identify. If children are consistently exposed to emotional abuse at home, they may think the behavior is normal. An emotionally abused child has not necessarily witnessed the way a healthy home environment operates.

Some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse with children and adults:

• anxiety
• difficulty with intimate relationships
• constantly seeking approval and affirmation
• feeling different from others
• judging themselves harshly
• lying without apparent reason
• depression
• low self-esteem
• guilty feelings
• isolation
• sense of shame
• feeling unlovable
• mood shifts
• substance abuse
• self-abuse
• extreme neediness
• suicidal ideation or attempts

The cycle of emotional abuse: tension and anger increases, there is some explosive incident, followed by a reconciliation and finally a period of calm.

How do you think someone you care about can break the cycle of abuse?

Please stay tuned for Part 3 about some ways to break the cycle of abuse.

Emotional abuse is behavior that controls and manipulates another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt and coercion. The victim’s feelings, needs, thoughts and desires are trivialized and made to seem inconsequential in comparison to the needs of the abuser.

Ellen’s husband, Mike, yelled obscenities at her after she forgot to pick up his dry cleaning. He told her that she was lazy and stupid. When he found her treating herself to chocolate for dessert, after she single-handedly cleared the dinner table and cleaned the dishes, he would go on a tirade about her weight and disgusting appearance. Mike would say, “Why can’t you look as sexy as the other women? I’m ashamed to be seen with you. I deserve better than this.” She would cry and sometimes that made him stop, other times it egged him on.

When I met Ellen, my first impressions were that she was petite and shy. It took her several sessions to start talking about some of Mike’s tantrums and nasty comments. She felt like she was betraying him. None of Ellen’s friends knew anything about Mike’s behind-the-scenes abusive behavior. To them he seemed quite charming and charismatic. Ellen felt alone and deeply ashamed.

She did not know how to go about changing the dynamic of their relationship. They had three children aged four through nine and Ellen refused to compromise their “beautiful family.” She began to internalize her husband’s malicious comments and toxic behavior and developed a sense of self-blame. She was at a crossroads and did not know how to make things better.

She shared, “It wasn’t always this way. Mike was loving and indulgent with me the first few years we were together. It’s the stress of his business and the demands of our family that gets him frustrated and angry. We were so in love back then. Even now after he yells at me, I know he feels guilty. Sometimes he brings me a beautiful piece of jewelry or gift after a fight, because I know he feels so bad.”

At first Ellen did not think of herself as being emotionally abused. She felt deeply saddened and shamed by Mike’s comments as well as guilty for not being able to appease him. She convinced herself that if she could only learn to get things right, their relationship would improve.

Emotional abuse is a kind of “brainwashing” which systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. Constant berating and belittling cuts to the core of the victim and destroys her ability to see things clearly and to perceive a true sense of self.

Often a victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself, as did Ellen, for the abuse. In an attempt to justify her husband’s actions and rationalize his ruthless behavior, Ellen drew all of the responsibility away from her guilty spouse, enabling the nasty criticisms to continue. It is not unusual in these circumstances for the victim to then cling to her abuser.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars or broken bones. Still its’ victims experience it as perhaps the most powerful and deeply injurious form of abuse.

What have you witnessed as the impact of emotional abuse?

How do you suggest dealing with this kind of suffering?

Women of all ages want and need to come together. When women discover the thread that connects them to each other, they are invariably strengthened and better armed for the challenges and transitions of life. Most women in their fifties have discovered the importance of friendships and support systems.

They want to expand their horizons, yet they are savvy and often worldly. They want to boost their happiness factor even though they live vital and joyful lives. Recently I was asked to write for Vibrant Nation. Vibrant Nation is a website community devoted to smart, independent, successful women age 50+ looking for ways to find mutual support. More than 80,000 women subscribe to the vibrantnation.com website.

Vibrant Nation offers a wealth of information and reflects the passion with which women want to share and connect. Each voice brings experience, richness, authenticity and usually a healthy dose of humor. Some of the topics covered on this site include sexuality, philanthropic world travel, people and politics, friendship, mind–body–spirit, health and beyond.

A compelling aspect of Vibrant Nation is the sense of community you feel once you subscribe. The conversations immediately grab your attention. Women coming together to support each other at any phase of life bring joy and vibrancy to their respective communities.

The secret is to find those communities that speak to you in meaningful ways. I have discovered that sense of community in my coaching groups, writing circle, mah jong club, and my ‘posse’ that comes together to celebrate each other on every possible occasion.

We need to build connection into our daily lives to live in greater balance and harmony. Without sharing experiences and our stories with each other, we are left to feel alone in dealing with life’s demands. The goal is to remain vibrant throughout all the decades of our lives. We need our tribes, communities, girlfriends, support systems – whatever you choose to call it, to live our happiest and most fulfilling lives.

Who are your supportive communities and how do they make you vibrant?