Linda, a 42 year old attorney with two young boys, felt guilt and disappointment both on the job and at home. She never quite felt that she was where she needed to be at any given time. For all of her accomplishments, she felt like a failure as a lawyer and as a mother. She strove for perfection in all facets of her life, but now was finding that juggling motherhood and her professional life made this impossible. The standards that Linda set for herself were unattainable and therefore an innate form of sabotage.

She made little time for her own self-care and felt exhausted all the time. Linda ran from home to work and back home again. The multitasking and quest for perfection was taking a toll on her physical and emotional self. Linda also began to isolate herself from her friends as she could not justify taking the time to make plans. Everything and everyone became a distraction, taking her away from her children and work. She began suffering from headaches and displayed early symptoms of depression.

Perfectionism is the belief that mistakes cannot be made and that the highest standards of performance in all aspects of one’s life must consistently be met. It is a state of mind where there exists an imbalance between one’s standards of success and the ability to achieve success. Worry, fear, guilt and self-doubt usually weave their way into the mind of the perfectionist. The pressure of this self-imposed demand can take a severe toll, mentally and physically.

Characteristics of a perfectionist

• Sets unrealistic goals and standards
• Views mistakes personally–as a lack of self-worth
• Preoccupation with fear of failure depletes energy levels
• Interprets comments and suggestions as criticism
• Tends to be rigid in behavior styles and afraid to experiment with the unfamiliar due to fear of failure
• Constantly frustrated, since perfection is unattainable which can lead to anxiety and depression

How to manage the frustrations of the perfectionist

• Set standards in one’s personal and professional life that are high but attainable; aim for your best performance, rather than perfection. Remember setting perfection, as a goal is invariably a setup for failure.
• Listen to suggestions and remind yourself that comments are your opportunities for growth and expanded learning potential.
• Understand and if possible accept that disappointment is unavoidable, the faster you recover from setbacks, the faster you can move forward on your goals.
• Learn some mindfulness techniques to allow you to be more fully in the present, without having to go back in you mind to old voices in your past, reminding you of your inadequacies.
• Practice affirmations to train your mind that you can accomplish your goals and dreams and although the outcome may not be perfect, it can be “good enough.” Satisfaction can be derived from “good enough.”
• Learn to live in the moment and enjoy the experiences along the way that lead to the accomplishment of your goals. Allow you to “stop and smell the roses.” This can help you stay grounded in your wish for success.
• Remain flexible when it comes to unexpected transition and change because it is likely going to occur.
• Celebrate accomplishments.

Linda’s need for perfection came from early childhood messages. I listened to her story carefully and then reinforced that she had to give up this unrealistic fantasy of perfection. If not she would remain frustrated and unhappy. “This is the age of the death of perfection.” I assured her. It is a time in the evolution of women to adapt and integrate a kinder and gentler self-perception. The notion of the “good enough mother” or the “good enough lawyer” does not suggest that we compromise our integrity and commitment to our jobs, but rather that we embrace the multidimensional roles of our lives fully and authentically.

Eventually Linda found relief in the notion of being “good enough” and gradually gave up the notion of perfection. She found herself enjoying her family and work life once she eased up on the self-criticism and adapted an attitude of greater self-love.

Would love to know any tips you have for being less self-critical.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

While most of us were celebrating the July 4th weekend with friends and family, barbecuing, watching fireworks and ushering in the summer, a teenage girl was brutally murdered. The chilling death of 18-year-old Lauren Astley appears to have been at the hands of her former 18-year-old boyfriend, Nathaniel Fujita. Both teens come from Wayland, Massachusetts, which I often refer to as “Pleasantville”–simply because nothing much seems to happen here. Our little enclave feels like a safe haven from the rest of the world. The last murder in Wayland occurred over 25 years ago.

Lauren and Nate were both fine students, athletic, well rounded and headed off to good colleges in the fall. Now all bets are off. Lauren has been laid to rest, Nate is in prison without bail awaiting the next steps and a community reels in pain. Anguish, helplessness and despair pervade our little town.

The light in this tragedy is that people are stepping up to support each other as we attempt to make sense out of this horrific loss. We have lost not one but two of our collective children–every parent’s greatest nightmare. Vigils and meetings at the schools, churches, synagogue, and town hall have brought people together so they can talk, process and grieve.

There are no words that suffice at a time like this; the wound is still gaping. Tears continue to flow and Lauren’s senseless murder has forever changed the fabric of our community. Coming together, sharing thoughts and feelings helps us heal and move away from the darkness.

Traumatic loss reminds us of the frailty of human life as well as the impact of the people left behind. Violent death poses a unique challenge to the bereaved and produces unexpected aftershocks.

What can be done in the face of traumatic loss?

•Come together in (formal and informal) groups to talk about the event, feelings and fears. Hearing the collective voices of pain over a loss can help to minimize the agony of suffering alone.

•Tap into spiritual resources–prayer can be especially powerful during times of grief, as can be the support of religious sanctuaries.

•Find a way to make a difference, by acknowledging and supporting others in pain.

•Foster the development of healing stories in the face of loss. As Lauren’s mother described, whenever she looks into the night’s sky, the brightest, twinkling star will be her reminder of her beautiful, charismatic girl.

•Remember the healing process for traumatic grief can be a lengthy and chaotic process. We need to understand that everyone experiences grief and healing in different ways. It is crucial that we give ourselves and each other the time and space to heal at our own pace.

Our community continues to create groups, which facilitate meaningful conversations and togetherness. This is indeed the loss of innocence for a generation of youths in the Wayland community. Our collective caring and support for one another will ultimately ease the excruciating pain and leave us stronger and more connected.

Please leave your comments or suggestions about managing a traumatic death.

My relationship with my father was complex. I sometimes wondered what I would say upon his death. Perhaps I would say nothing or perhaps I would blurt out all those things I never dared to express to him directly. Two weeks ago today my father died unexpectedly. Convoluted and tumultuous feelings continue to swirl through my mind and body–there is an ebb and flow and the occasional tsunami of emotion.

In the end I found it to be both healing and instructive to write some of my thoughts down that I said before my friends and family at his Shiva. I chose to mindfully honor my father and the life he lived. What guided me in my search for the right words was being authentic and recognizing the man he was. The power of forgiveness, the potency of journal writing and the strength of my support system helps me through this challenging time.

This is my eulogy to my father. May he rest in peace.

My Father–Paul “Giggy” Kamen

My father was a powerful, charismatic and complicated man.

As a boy he was uprooted from an anti-Semitic Kansas City, Missouri to Hightstown, NJ.–when my grandfather decided it was time to work the soil and get back to basics. My father, his six siblings and my babushka wearing grandmother, moved to the farm–125 acres of crops, chickens, cows and a horse or two.

At seventeen my father snuck out of the second floor window of his farmhouse and left that farm with little more than the shirt on his back. As he often said, “He never looked back.” No way was his life going to be about milking cows and tending to chickens.

He took tremendous pride in being able to take care of himself under any circumstances. He was self–educated and the quintessential self–made man. As he stepped away from the butter and egg business, to my mother’s family decorating business, to a successful career in real estate, he always looked ahead toward the next challenge.

Some time before exiting the farm, he met my mother at a summer camp that rented space from my grandfather’s farm. Later, when he made his way to New York City he took my mother out for a couple of dates. Nothing much came of it–until one day he heard that my mother’s father fell off the garage while making roof repairs and died instantly before my mother’s eyes.

He rushed over with an armload of groceries to help out and somehow this tragedy brought them together. They married on Christmas Day in 1947 during the worst blizzard of the century and almost no one showed up. They remained together for more than 50 years until my mother’s untimely death in 1998.

My father worked hard. He had guts, good instincts and big goals. He provided well for his family. Taking his cues from my mother, we traveled extensively, became well–educated and had many rich cultural experiences.

My father loved to argue any side of any subject and was always quick to invite debate, “argument for its own sake” he called it. He possessed a hungry and penetrating mind. He loved numbers, games and most importantly the art of the deal. Competition ran through his veins and winning made things all the better. His passion for business, sports and bridge is where he found his greatest solace.

Everything he did was self-taught and he taught himself well.

My father did not often show a tender side, except when it came to my children, Amy and later Max. He loved to hold each of them as babies. On certain occasions Amy would cry inconsolably. My father would gently rock her in his arms until she fell asleep. He would let her remain in the safety of his arms for long stretches of time. The same was true when Max came along.

Only in the last few years did he become able to tell me and my three siblings that he loved us, that he was proud of our accomplishments and the people we had become.

On Monday, his doctor suggested that he check into the hospital because of his chest pains. But, no! Being his usual stubborn self, he would not hear of it. He had a bridge tournament later that night which he refused to miss. He never did make it.

Last night after Friday evening services at Shir Tikvah we went home to pick up some things from our deconstructed house, before heading back to the hotel where Martin and I have been living for the last two weeks. In the mailbox was a belated birthday card addressed to Amy from my father. It was postmarked March 28th–the day of his death. His last thoughts were about his grandchildren. In the card he also sent his love to us all of us–which he underscored. I believe this was his way of saying good–bye.

One school’s plan to ban bullying and create a caring community… Two boys, perspiring and smudged with playtime dirt, approach the main office of their elementary school. Seeming right at home, they rush past the secretary’s desk, making a beeline to the principal’s open door. The principal invites them in, and one at a time they explain their plight—several of their classmates wouldn’t let them join a basketball game. In addition, they said that one particular child had called them names, telling them they were “losers” and “couldn’t even dribble a basketball if they tried.” The principal listened intently and told her students that she would meet with all the children involved to discuss ways to get along and respect each other’s feelings. “Clearly,” she explained to the boys, “Your classmates have forgotten the school rule, ‘We don’t say you can’t play.’”

The principal in this vignette knows that kindness and empathy are essential ingredients for a successful school. The boys felt comfortable enough to come to her for aid and trusted that she would help them solve their problem.

When Bullying Begins

Teachers and principals are usually well acquainted with the child who is not accepted by his classmates. It begins in pre–school, when the child asks, “Can I play with you?” A dynamic develops early on, and certain children emerge as the leaders, or the arrangers of playtime. They have the ability to determine who is allowed to play, who is picked for the team, and who is not.

Unfortunately, once the roles are chosen, they often stay in place throughout childhood. The powerful become omnipotent, the followers become more compliant in fear that they may become the rejected, and the rejected become more lonely and isolated. This imbalance of power can result in bullying, which can be verbal, physical or psychological in nature.

All bullying causes social isolation and exclusion. Research indicates these behaviors lead to lasting negative effects for the bully and the victim. A child normally has a 5 percent chance of growing up to become a criminal, but bullies have a 25 percent chance of ending up with a criminal record by the age of 30 (Olweus, 1992). Victims have to deal with the initial victimizing situation and the subsequent social consequences. Even the “better” responses to the plight of the victim, concern or pity, may be perceived as condescending and underscore the victim’s loss of status, consequently lowering self-esteem. Students who are victimized have a greater chance of feeling depressed and have poorer self-esteem than their non-victimized counterparts.

A Call to Care

Bullying and victimization caught national attention in April, 1999, when two young men, seniors at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., shot and killed 13 people, and then themselves, in a premeditated rampage. A classmate of the assailants said, “. . . they did not fit with any [other] group. . . . I guess when you have a lack of friends you feel unwanted.” Another student said of one of the assailants, “It was obvious he felt socially ostracized. He really felt unloved. . . . He wasn’t so bad. He was lonely. I just wish I could give him a hug and tell him that I care” (Brooke, 1999).

In many recent incidents of school violence, the assailants were children who felt alienated from and “unrelated” to the school setting. All too often, exclusionary practices in schools, which can be defined as a form of “systemic violence,” are tolerated or ignored. Many students are coming to school burdened with feelings of anxiety caused by continual rejection from their peers and the lack of needed attention from teachers and administrators. In a Scandinavian study (Olweus, 1993), 40 percent of bullied students in the primary grades and almost 60 percent in secondary/junior high school grades reported that teachers tried to put a stop to bullying only “once in a while” or “almost never.” Alarmingly, 65 percent of bullied students in primary school said that the classroom teacher had not talked to them about bullying at all; in junior high school, the number rose to 86 percent.

Daniel Olweus, a renowned expert and researcher in bullying, believes that the “attitudes, routines, and behaviors of the school personnel—in particular the teachers—are certainly decisive factors in preventing and controlling bullying activities” (Olweus, 1993).

How to Stop It

Bullying and peer harassment can be addressed in a proactive way when educators create caring communities and make caring part of the school culture. Learning how to establish such an environment is often overlooked as a part of teacher professional development, however. Staff members need opportunities to observe their students’ and their own behaviors, time and opportunities to examine beliefs and practices, and time to develop and implement a plan that begins to solve the problem. Schools face a serious challenge when confronting the plight of the victimized child, as well as the dangerous behaviors of the bully.

Despite these challenges, some schools are taking the lead. At W. S. Boardman Elementary in Long Island, the principals and teachers used action research to identify bullies or victims in their classrooms. They collected data on their own practices and the student’s characteristics, reflected on what they saw, and then developed a plan that embraced all students as part of the caring school community. Teachers focused on students’ needs to feel competent, connected, and autonomous in the school setting (Siris, 2001). They found that when teachers and administrators take time to show a personal interest in a student, provide opportunities for increased social interactions in the classroom, highlights the student’s talents, and gives him increased opportunities to make decisions, there are significant changes in the child’s school life. He appears happier, more involved in social activities, more engaged in learning, less likely to seek negative attention, and more accepted by his classmates. Students mimic both their teachers’ positive and negative behaviors; as teachers begin to like these students more, so, in turn, will their peers.

One School’s Approach

The teachers and principal in the school conducting the study brought their findings to the rest of the staff. They thought that they could also teach intervention strategies to students who observe bullying on a daily basis. In doing so, the students could make a positive difference in the school community. Students in 5th and 6th grades, who were interested in helping to change the culture of their school to one where “caring is cool” rather than where “put-downs are cool,” wrote letters to their teachers explaining why they would like to join the “Caring Majority Steering Committee.” A committee of 30 fifth- and sixth-grade students formed and, together with the principal and school social worker, worked in three two-hour sessions, first learning about the dangers of peer harassment, and then developing their plan. The students came up with several ideas for enlisting more members into the caring school community:

• Develop strong administrative consequences for any student using unkind words or put-downs.
• Implement a “We don’t say you can’t play” rule. If anyone asks to join a group of children already playing, the answer is always “Yes!”
• Use “I” messages to tell children how you are feeling (i.e., “I don’t like it when you call me “loser.”).
• Report a student who is excluding or harassing a classmate to the nearest adult; if that adult does not help, keep reporting it until someone does.
• Form support groups for both the victims and the bullies.
• Hold meetings for parents about bullying and victimization in schools and the long-term effects for both the victim and the bully.

Members of the steering committee became the ambassadors, spreading the new plan to all the classrooms. They designed a tee shirt with the slogan “At our school, caring is cool,” and sold it at the school store. Working in pairs, they prepared a PowerPoint presentation and shared their new plan with each classroom in the building. Having the message brought to the students by other students had a powerful effect—seventy-five percent of the students ordered a tee shirt during the first week they went on sale. They proudly wore them to school, and slowly began to change their behaviors.

When schools do not put a strong emphasis on the needs of both the bully and the victim, the problem becomes chronic—many students will continue to suffer from verbal and physical harassment on a daily basis. The school climate must reflect an atmosphere in which students can express their feelings and feel they can turn to any adult or their classmates for help and support. It is essential that school personnel create caring communities like the one in W. S. Boardman Elementary for students as a way to decrease the incidences of bullying and victimization.

Dr. Karen Siris, principal and professor has been featured on NBC and CBS News and ivillage.com for the work she has done creating a Caring Majority of “upstanding” students in her Long Island School.  Her research on Alleviating Bullying received the Outstanding Dissertation of the Year Award from Hofstra University.

Cutting or self-injury (SI) is about scratching or cutting your body with a sharp object (scissor, razor blade, paper clip, glass, tweezers etc.) enough so that the skin is broken and bleeds. As was mentioned in Cutting Part 1, this behavior is not usually meant as a suicidal gesture.

Every story regarding why an adolescent would engage in cutting behavior is different, yet there are certain commonalities.

• Adolescents who cut experience powerful feelings of loneliness and isolation.
• Often these are kids who have been bullied or rejected by their peers.
• Their parents have unrealistically high expectations, or they have witnessed domestic abuse of some sort.
• Invariably kids that cut do not feel as though they have a good support system. They do not feel that the important people in their life really listen or understand them.
• These adolescents do not know how to handle the overwhelming and complicated emotions (sadness, rage, loss, desperation, loneliness, powerlessness, fear, emptiness, abandoned, hatred, confusion, unlovable…). The turmoil and pain is simply too much to bear and they often feel powerless to make things better. Cutting is a self-abusive behavior that is intended to relieve emotional pain and suffering.
• Most cutters are girls, though not always. Cutters often begin to experiment with this behavior in early adolescence. Though most cutters grow out of this self-injurious behavior, some do not and continue into adulthood.
• Usually the scratches or scars are made in places that are hidden from others (wrists, arms, legs, bellies) so that the cutters can maintain secrecy.

Getting Help

• The first step is getting emotional support for the cutter. The urge to cut is always associated with unexpressed emotion. At times kids need hospitalization for cutting so that they can have an intensive inpatient experience before they begin the more long term process of talking, understanding and teasing out the underlying feelings and issues.
• Cutting often involves a “dual diagnosis.” This means the adolescent can also be suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc.
• Once the problem has been identified cutters need to find venues for talking to trusted friends, adults, counselors, teachers, doctors, or clergy which helps move along the healing process. Connection and communication are keys to overcoming this behavior. While difficult at first, talking and feeling heard are essential to emerging from this self-destructive behavior.
• Although witnessing this behavior in a young (or any) person can be quite disturbing, parents, teachers and caretakers need to support, rather than blame.

Some Behavioral Strategies for Helping the Cutter

There are ways of dealing with emotional pain that are far more effective than cutting. Sometimes adolescents don’t have great coping mechanisms in place just yet. Here are some ideas that might shift your attention and help you minimize or eliminate behavior to prevent seriously injuring yourself.

• Call a friend or communicate with someone trusted the minute the impulse strikes.
• Remove all sharp objects from your room. If you do find yourself with a sharp implement, consider carving something out of wood or even a fragrant bar of soap.
• Take a walk, exercise, draw or paint, write, keep a journal, sing or listen to music to self-express and to shift the focus away from cutting.
• Wear a rubber band around the wrist and when the impulse to cut comes, snap the band tightly. It will sting, but not create the same risk factors as cutting.
• Take a red marker and draw the places where you want to cut, so that it is “as if” you are cutting without the damage.
• Hold an ice cube on the area that you want to cut until it burns, so the pain sensation is felt, but again without real injury to the body.
• Learn some relaxation techniques such as abdominal breathing, meditation, self-hypnosis, chanting. Practice saying affirmations that feel meaningful to you.
• Learn to love and respect yourself to continue getting the help you need.
• Remember that you can overcome this behavior with practice and getting the right resources. You are worth it. You matter. You have what it takes to succeed. You can help others with what you learn. This is an important journey to self-awareness and self-love.

Of all the strategies listed, in my experience the one that is by far the most powerful is learning to communicate in a healthy with others and building effective support systems. When strong positive relationships are in place, these self-injurious impulses not only quiet down but also often cease to exist.

Some of the methods are good to use when the cutting mind is still actively focused on this self-injurious behavior. Eventually the thought to hurt oneself should quiet down with therapy and by learning other coping strategies.

What are your thoughts about how to get the word out and educate others about the complicated issue of cutting?

We hear about cutting in the media when celebrities like Angelina Jolie, Princess Diana, and Courtney Love, to name a few, come forward. We may learn of instances of cutting in our communities, but it remains a poorly understood and difficult to treat behavior. Yet cutting is becoming more prevalent in young women.

Rachel is 16 years old. Her tall, slightly overweight body conveyed awkwardness and her learning disability only made matters worse. She required ongoing help in all of her special needs classes while her star athlete brother was accepted early decision into his first choice Ivy League college. He emanated success and high performance in all of his endeavors.

Rachel’s father, CEO of a company in London, and mother, a high- powered Boston lawyer, both demanded perfection in themselves and their children. Essentially raised by nannies, and feeling very much an outcast, Rachel kept to herself. Her rich inner world remained a secret for years. Rachel sensed her parents’ disappointment in her performance but felt helpless, as she could not find anything good about herself.

Her few friends sometimes included her in their activities and sometimes did not. Rachel spent hours alone in her room organizing her drawers and shelves and playing with her dolls. She could not sleep knowing that anything was out of place in her room.

One evening her mother took Rachel shopping. Her mother slipped into the dressing room to hand Rachel some clothes. It was then that her mother noticed the cuts on her thighs – five scars of varying degrees of freshness on her left thigh and six on her right thigh.

Rachel quickly covered up and demanded that her mother leave the dressing room. She told her mother that she was ‘scratched’ while playing with her cat.

Her mother didn’t believe Rachel and pressed further until Rachel finally confessed. She vowed to her mother that she would not cut herself again, but also insisted that they no longer talk about this behavior. Her mother agreed not to discuss the cutting as long as Rachel promised she would talk to a therapist.

Rachel’s loneliness, isolation, anxiety, lack of connection and self-loathing all contributed to her self-injurious behavior. Her cutting was not intended as a suicidal gesture, but rather as a self-destructive way of coping with complicated and painful feelings.

Rachel numbed herself to the emotional pain that she experienced on a regular basis. The pain of the cutting masked the pain in her heart. It felt better to cut her flesh and bleed, than feel the rejection and self-hatred. Cutting gave Rachel the illusion that she could control her inner world but the relief was only temporary.

According to Mental Health America and Discovery Health Report over the past decade more than 2 million people have cut themselves or inflicted self-injury. Further evidence suggests that 1 in every 200 teenage girls have intentionally cut themselves.

When left untreated, cutting and self-injurious behaviors do not simply resolve or go away. While this behavior is not addictive, it is habit-forming. Rachel continued to engage in cutting behavior to continue to find the relief she desperately needed. Whenever she felt mocked at school, failed yet another exam or disappointed her parents, she would retreat and self regulate by cutting her body.

These behaviors usually begin in adolescence and can continue into adulthood. While most girls (9 out of 10) who attempt cutting do not continue this behavior, those that do, left untreated, send themselves deeper into an emotionally tumultuous world. Treatment for cutting is designed to get at and resolve the core issues, usually regarding low self-esteem, depression, body image and self-loathing.

Only after an in-depth psychotherapy and adoption of specific behavioral and cognitive-behavioral strategies did Rachel begin to gain authentic control of her feelings and impulses. Treatment for this type of disorder typically can be quite involved and happens over the span of years.

Stay tuned for part 2 on cutting and self-injurious behavior.

I would love to get your thoughts and reactions to this post.

How can you balance: love, work, and fun?

How can you fill yourself so that you have more energy, motivation and the capacity to give without feeling depleted?

How can you strengthen your level of happiness, resilience, support and mindfulness?

The What Women Need Coaching Group is about creating your vision and goals and turning possibilities into realities. The conversations and coaching that take place and the quality of the connections, propel participants into clarifying and realizing personal and professional goals and dreams.

Randy Kamen Gredinger, Ed.D. psychologist and life coach will be leading the group. Please read my bio and press page for more information about my background and experience.

A new WWN Coaching Group is beginning on Tuesday evening, December 7th from 7:00-10:00 p.m. Meetings will be monthly. There will be 8-10 participants in the group. For flow, continuity and maximum results a six month commitment is required. Each 3 hour session is $125.

Some of the words women have used to describe how they feel in WWN Coaching Group: “inspired… energized… connected… motivated… recharged… optimistic… strengthened… enlivened… happier…”

I hope you will join us for this group. There are several spots available. Please feel free to recommend this coaching group to other women.

The WWN Coaching Group will meet  in Wayland, MA. Tea and light yummy snacks will be served. I hope you will be able to join this dynamic atmosphere and connect with an awesome group of women.

Register on my website DrRKG.com or by email Randy@DrRKG.com with the attached registration form. Contact me with any questions or concerns that you may have.

With light and inspiration,

Randy

Randy Kamen Gredinger,Ed.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Life Coach

Individual coaching consultations are also available upon request.

Deadline for application: December 1st, 2010

Registration for What Women Need Coaching Group

Name:

Address:

Email:

Cell phone:

Home phone:

Occupation:

What do you hope to get out of the WWN Coaching Group?

Who referred you to WWN Coaching Groups?

This video describes some of the essential characteristics of the happiest women.

Some of the activities of the happiest women include:

The happiest women surround themselves with loving family and friends. In general they spend the least amount of time alone.

They do not measure themselves by other people’s standards.

The happiest women get immersed on a regular basis in flow activities. Flow activities are projects or interests that occupy the mind in such a deep way that we lose track of time.

Painting, writing, yoga, dancing, working, gardening or just being with friends are all great examples of flow activities. It is best when these activities are integrated into one’s daily routine.

Happy women pursue personal growth and intimate connections throughout their lives.

The happiest women also know or learn how to forgive readily.

What are one or two things you can do to add to your happiness factor?

I have found in my work as a psychologist that to bring more joy into your life, you need to foster you relationships by connecting regularly with friends and family members.

Choose to be with people who lift your spirits and are not the ones who bring you down.

It may require some time and energy on your part to initiate a new relationship or strengthen an existing one. Either way you are guaranteed to feel happier by being proactive.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

Happiness is a result of living a life filled with loving relationships and flow activities.

The best part is that you are having fun while boosting your sense of connection and well-being.

Thanks for joining me.

With love and inspiration,

Dr.RKG

Please share your comments about what brings joy and happiness into your life.

Linda Joy exudes passion, fierce determination and great kindness. She takes pleasure in turning people on to her hard won secrets and strategies. Linda shares her expertise with disarming enthusiasm. “Let me help you.” “You can do this.” “That’s easy. Let me show you.” These are heartfelt expressions that roll off her tongue with ease and authenticity. Linda singlehandedly cultivated a successful life path for herself and her beautiful daughter, refusing to let financial struggles stop her from building the life she envisioned.

Born in Taunton, MA, Linda grew up the oldest of four children and took the reins as caregiver to her younger siblings. She dropped out of high school feeling overwhelmed, confused and probably a little burnt out. Linda knew without a high school degree she would not have the best career opportunities nor would she be able to make the most of her potential. Several years later she summoned the inner strength to get back to school and complete her GED. After that she continued her education by taking college courses whenever she could.

Daughter Niki at 3yrs

Transforming from Welfare Mom to Award Winning Entrepreneur

Linda described herself as “…a single, struggling welfare mom with little to no self-esteem. My daughter was my catalyst for wanting to become not only a great mother but to be the best person I could be.” She entered a state funded job-training program to improve her professional skills. The training program consisted of a group of single moms who could barely afford diapers.

During that time Linda knew that she and these other women needed to look professional if they were to score jobs. She took it upon herself to find a consignment shop and brought some of the women shopping. Linda felt personally encouraged by looking like a businesswoman and at the same time inspired the others. With their new clothes and confidence she and the other women felt like “maybe I can do this, maybe I do deserve a better life.”

Linda then discovered her first mission. She witnessed the transformation of the other welfare moms when they looked and felt good about themselves. Linda knew she had to create a place where women could come and move into their power. Making attractive business attire available to women without jobs or money to spare opened a door of hope for them. As women slipped into their new wardrobes, they emanated strength, pride and hope for something better for themselves and their children. Looking successful was an important first step for many of the women in feeling worthy and actively pursuing their dreams.

May 99 SBA Award Ceremony

Linda’s determination to start her own business remained strong, even though the prospect of failure terrified Linda. She overcame her fear and opened her first consignment business in 1992.  She began her upscale consignment shop with $2500 and a burning desire to affect the lives of other single and struggling moms. “I wanted to create a space that gave every woman who walked in the door an opportunity to provide for themselves and their children with more than just clothing, but a sense of pride and self-esteem.”

Feb 2000 NBC appearance

Linda persevered and her consignment shop flourished. Women came for the clothing and they returned because of Linda’s beautiful and contagious energy. In 1999 Linda won the Small Business Association, Welfare-to-Work Entrepreneur of the Year for the state of Massachusetts. This honor validated her efforts and she began receiving national media attention about her accomplishment. She recalled the thrill of sharing her story about conquering obstacles to achieve her dreams on the NBC talk show, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

Linda views her life’s challenges as necessary “stepping stones to guide me to who I am and where I am now.”  She knows now that all of her “perceived obstacles” were crucial to prepare her for the multiple roles she assumes today.

Her journey of self-discovery over the past twenty years deepened her sense of self and compassion for others.  She explains, “that women spend so much of their lives looking for external validation and wisdom. ALL they need they already have.  All the wisdom is within. They just need to turn inward and listen.” Linda longed to make an even bigger difference in the lives of women and began writing and creating venues for women to come together.

Inspiring Women through her website and Aspire Magazine

Aspire Oct/Nov 2010

Linda is now an entrepreneur, speaker and publisher. She founded AspireMag.net in 2005, a premiere magazine with the goal of stimulating women to lead more authentic and inspired lives. She encourages women to share their wounds, fears and self-doubt. “I have been where they are and I can offer hope, love and support.” Linda helps women tap into their innate gifts and voices so that they can find balance, discover their own inner passions and deepen their connections with others.”

InspiredLivingPublishing.com, the publishing company Linda founded, provides women with traditional and nontraditional opportunities to publish and share their “wisdom, insight and stories with women around the globe.”  She is drawn to stories of the ‘everyday woman’ who moves through her fears in search of a life of fulfillment and authenticity. All of Linda’s business endeavors revolve around her goal of inspiring women to live more meaningful lives.

She assures women that they can choose to move through their pain and reach a life of joy and passion.  Linda provides women with the inspiration, tools and strategies so that when they are ready to change their lives, they will get the support they need and thrive.

Aspire's Mission to Inspire 100,000 Women

With all of her business ventures and accomplishments, Linda’s most proud accomplishment is raising and participating in the life of her wonderful, compassionate daughter. “She has blessed my life beyond anything I could have ever imagined.” Linda led the way for her daughter through her commitment to being the best she could possibly be and to give back to others whenever possible.

Hoping to empower women, Linda explains that every one of us is here to fulfill a purpose and that our life is a journey bursting with opportunities to discover that purpose. Linda’s works passionately and relentlessly to inspire women to dig deeply and listen to that still voice within their “inner wise-woman” and act accordingly. Linda epitomizes the vision of “inner wise-woman.”

Linda Joy’s Latest Venture is a new book: A Juicy, Joyful Life

A Juicy, Joyful Life

Recently hit bestseller on Barnes & Noble and #1 in Hot New Releases in two categories on Amazon!

“Meet an extraordinary group of women who have blessed and honored me by sharing their innate wisdom, insights and heart-felt stories in the pages of A Juicy, Joyful Life. Each woman shines her personal light in the pages of this inspirational anthology, and collectively guides you through the intimate trail of self-discovery,” Linda Joy explains. No doubt, Linda herself has led the way.

In her dedication to inspire women across the world Linda launched the “Mission to Inspire 100,000 Women” campaign and committed to giving away 100K subscriptions to Aspire.  Get yours today at www.SubscribetoAspire.com which comes with over 60 complimentary gifts.

Living the fast-paced, glamorous New York City lifestyle, Dena Patton started a thriving business there at the age of only 24. Just a few years later, she suffered a minor stroke that changed the course of her life. After consulting a life coach to help her make some lifestyle changes, Dena decided to become a life coach herself. In 2004 she founded Chat, Chew & Chocolate, (CCC), an online community of women looking for connection and inspiration. In addition to local live chapters, Dena organizes CCC retreats in Arizona where she is based.

The retreats are designed for women to connect, relax and rejuvenate. I will be participating in the next retreat – October 1-3, 2010 – as a mentor and facilitator. The other featured speakers are well-known life coach and Oprah Magazine contributor, Martha Beck and Biggest Loser winner and author, Ali Vincent.

Chat, Chew & Chocolate Logo

One of my passions has been working with women in the nurturing environment of the health spa, where relaxation and learning are beautifully woven together. I have led my own groups at Canyon Ranch and Red Mountain Spa for years.

Attending events like this gives me a chance to connect with a wide spectrum of women from all over the country.  And now sharing the platform with other accomplished women adds an exciting new dimension for me personally and professionally.

While I cherish my private therapy practice, I look forward to opportunities to get outside of my routine to embrace new experiences and make new friends. Along with the CCC retreat in October, I will be traveling to Los Angeles later in October for the California Women’s Conference.

Also, as a writer, I love listening to the stories women reveal about their lives when they feel relaxed and safe. Seems like everyone comes away from this venue inspired and energized.  The benefits of travel, adventures, and opening yourself up to new people and experiences often has a profound impact on your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Looking forward to sharing my upcoming encounters on DrRKG.com and  VibrantNation.com.

At the moment there are still several spots available at the CCC retreat in October. The next one will be in February, 2011.

It would be fabulous if you could join us there!