Roberta tragically lost her father in a freak accident when she was eighteen years old. Her mother took the reins and controlled Roberta’s life by making her stay at home and work for the family business, rather than going off to college as planned. To escape her mother’s firm grip, Roberta married at the age of twenty and began her family. Five children later Roberta found herself depressed and lonely, although she loved her family. She neglected herself except on rare occasions and secretly felt like a failure. When her ‘baby’ was about to go off to the college of her dreams, Roberta finally decided to get some outside help. Over time she realized that she had traded in her mother for a controlling husband. Her self-esteem was damaged, but salvageable. Roberta needed to become aware of her inner feelings around loss and neglect and find her true voice. In addition, she had to learn how to create healthy boundaries with her husband and how to take better care of herself physically and emotionally.

Healthy self-esteem is central to emotional well-being. It is the way a person perceives herself and her personal value. It is the core belief that you are competent, resourceful and resilient in the face of life’s challenges.

Some characteristics of a woman with low self-esteem

• She operates out of fear and an inability to step up to the demands of challenging situations.
• She does not feel worthy or deserving of happiness, even when she acts like she does.
• She compares herself to others and does not measure up.
• She fears rejection in her relationships.
• She does not feel worthy and often does not take good care of herself except in superficial ways.
• She personalizes the feedback of others, even when it is well intended.
• Her external actions and behaviors don’t match her inner beliefs about herself which makes matters worse.

Some characteristics of person with positive self-esteem

• She believes she is a worthy person and deserves to be happy.
• She has confidence in her ability to think things through.
• She respects herself and expect others to do so as well.
• She knows that her value is not measured by her material possessions.
• Her relationships tend to be strong because she feels good about herself and she values these connections.
• She exhibits confidence in her ability to offer something unique to other people–herself.
• She internalizes constructive criticism without personalizing, thereby deepening her capacity for growth.
• She likely experiences success personally, professionally and relationally.

Making yourself conscious of your internal feelings is the first step toward boosting your self-esteem.

Strategies for Boosting Self-esteem

1.  Focus what’s good in your life – the things that make your life worthwhile. Rather than accepting and dwelling on negative experiences, find ways to see the positive angle in your experiences.

2.  Meditate: Meditate to connect you with your inner wisdom, strength and well-being.

3.  Discover the qualities that you like about yourself. Think about things about yourself that draw your friends and family to you i.e. your creativity, generosity, integrity, communication skills and your ability to care for the welfare of others.

4.  Learn to change your inner critic from a negative, criticizing voice into a positive voice that offers constructive guidance. Use affirmations to help you change negative self-talk. Remind yourself that you are already worthy and deserve to be happy.

5.  Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Start appreciating what works. Small accomplishments create the pathway for bigger accomplishments.

6.  Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. When you surround yourself with negative people, you are more likely to think negatively. Similarly when you surround yourself with positive and supportive people, you are more likely to think optimistically and feel good about yourself.

7.  Keep a gratitude journal. When you start paying attention to all the good in your life, you are likely to feel more grateful and better about you self.

8.  Resist comparing yourself to others. There will always be people that have more than you and less than you. Focus on what is yours and how to make the best of it.

9.  Turn your home into a haven where you can escape the busy, hectic world. Surround yourself with music, books, art, friends and a space that makes you feel good.

10. Learn to let go and forgive yourself for not being perfect. Perfection is a setup for failure.

What strategies do you use when your self-esteem needs a boost?

Painting by Alison Seiffer

“We have to recover the art of making ourselves central,” said Gloria Steinem addressing more than 6,500 women at the 6th annual Massachusetts Conference for Women earlier this month. The keynote speakers included the renowned Gloria Steinem, Victoria Reggie Kennedy, Elizabeth Lesser, Judge Glenda Hatchett, Christy Turlington Burns and Tory Johnson. The focus was on women assuming their place as resilient leaders and daring to change the prevailing models of government and power.

Steinem said, “There is always one true inner voice. Trust it.” She spoke passionately about women struggling to enhance their self-esteem and to create a “Revolution From Within,” the title of one of her best-selling books. Changing the planet in a positive direction means changing ourselves internally and then bringing our true greatness to influence the lives of others. We must combine our uniqueness with unity.

Gloria Steinem and Dr. RKG at the Massachusetts Conference for Women

Steinem, an author, speaker, advocate,  and political tour de force who for two decades led a social revolution against injustice, quoted Albert Einstein: “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.” Steinem spoke of the difference between strength and force, guidance versus domination, and empowerment versus fear. Steinem challenged women to balance the needs of children and the stewardship of the earth.

“Your Time is Now” – Keynotes Explore Conference Theme

“Now is the time for women to lead around the globe,” according to Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, N.Y. Women all over the world are rebounding and finding their sense of purpose individually and collectively. Lesser said, “When you hear the word leader, hear your name.” She urged attendees to show the world a new way of leading and not perpetuate the status quo: “We must lead with intention, so that we can correct the path.”

Historically, domination and control around warfare and keeping women from making decisions set the tone for governing globally. What if women contributed to the body of leadership ideas? What if women became more comfortable using their voices and innate powers?

There is suffering around the world that needs healing. We cannot approach the mending of the world using the same strategies that have consistently failed. The voices of women need to be included in the conversation. We need to more fully integrate women in leadership roles and find new ways to solve old problems. We as women need to assume this responsibility.

Judge Glenda Hatchett said, “We need less fretting and more doing and being fearlessly resilient.” She dared the audience to live their lives with purpose and passion. Judge Hatchett said, “No one gets your story and what it took for you to get here like you do.” We have a story to tell and work to get done. Women can deliver a new way of leadership that draws upon strength and inclusion rather than domination.

Victoria Reggie Kennedy, a powerful voice and advocate for issues that affect the lives of women, children and families, said, “Be fearlessly resilient… to discover what you want and go get it.” Her work on issues such as homelessness, economic opportunity, health care, education, domestic violence, and involvement in the political process have contributed to positive changes in Massachusetts and nationally.

The Massachusetts Conference for Women continues to grow, educate and exhilarate women from the Boston area. The lead for the conference was: “YOUR TIME IS NOW! To be fearlessly resilient. To rebound with purpose and power. To lead with intention. To discover what you want—and go get it!”

What will you do in 2011 to lead your life with intention?

One school’s plan to ban bullying and create a caring community… Two boys, perspiring and smudged with playtime dirt, approach the main office of their elementary school. Seeming right at home, they rush past the secretary’s desk, making a beeline to the principal’s open door. The principal invites them in, and one at a time they explain their plight—several of their classmates wouldn’t let them join a basketball game. In addition, they said that one particular child had called them names, telling them they were “losers” and “couldn’t even dribble a basketball if they tried.” The principal listened intently and told her students that she would meet with all the children involved to discuss ways to get along and respect each other’s feelings. “Clearly,” she explained to the boys, “Your classmates have forgotten the school rule, ‘We don’t say you can’t play.’”

The principal in this vignette knows that kindness and empathy are essential ingredients for a successful school. The boys felt comfortable enough to come to her for aid and trusted that she would help them solve their problem.

When Bullying Begins

Teachers and principals are usually well acquainted with the child who is not accepted by his classmates. It begins in pre–school, when the child asks, “Can I play with you?” A dynamic develops early on, and certain children emerge as the leaders, or the arrangers of playtime. They have the ability to determine who is allowed to play, who is picked for the team, and who is not.

Unfortunately, once the roles are chosen, they often stay in place throughout childhood. The powerful become omnipotent, the followers become more compliant in fear that they may become the rejected, and the rejected become more lonely and isolated. This imbalance of power can result in bullying, which can be verbal, physical or psychological in nature.

All bullying causes social isolation and exclusion. Research indicates these behaviors lead to lasting negative effects for the bully and the victim. A child normally has a 5 percent chance of growing up to become a criminal, but bullies have a 25 percent chance of ending up with a criminal record by the age of 30 (Olweus, 1992). Victims have to deal with the initial victimizing situation and the subsequent social consequences. Even the “better” responses to the plight of the victim, concern or pity, may be perceived as condescending and underscore the victim’s loss of status, consequently lowering self-esteem. Students who are victimized have a greater chance of feeling depressed and have poorer self-esteem than their non-victimized counterparts.

A Call to Care

Bullying and victimization caught national attention in April, 1999, when two young men, seniors at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., shot and killed 13 people, and then themselves, in a premeditated rampage. A classmate of the assailants said, “. . . they did not fit with any [other] group. . . . I guess when you have a lack of friends you feel unwanted.” Another student said of one of the assailants, “It was obvious he felt socially ostracized. He really felt unloved. . . . He wasn’t so bad. He was lonely. I just wish I could give him a hug and tell him that I care” (Brooke, 1999).

In many recent incidents of school violence, the assailants were children who felt alienated from and “unrelated” to the school setting. All too often, exclusionary practices in schools, which can be defined as a form of “systemic violence,” are tolerated or ignored. Many students are coming to school burdened with feelings of anxiety caused by continual rejection from their peers and the lack of needed attention from teachers and administrators. In a Scandinavian study (Olweus, 1993), 40 percent of bullied students in the primary grades and almost 60 percent in secondary/junior high school grades reported that teachers tried to put a stop to bullying only “once in a while” or “almost never.” Alarmingly, 65 percent of bullied students in primary school said that the classroom teacher had not talked to them about bullying at all; in junior high school, the number rose to 86 percent.

Daniel Olweus, a renowned expert and researcher in bullying, believes that the “attitudes, routines, and behaviors of the school personnel—in particular the teachers—are certainly decisive factors in preventing and controlling bullying activities” (Olweus, 1993).

How to Stop It

Bullying and peer harassment can be addressed in a proactive way when educators create caring communities and make caring part of the school culture. Learning how to establish such an environment is often overlooked as a part of teacher professional development, however. Staff members need opportunities to observe their students’ and their own behaviors, time and opportunities to examine beliefs and practices, and time to develop and implement a plan that begins to solve the problem. Schools face a serious challenge when confronting the plight of the victimized child, as well as the dangerous behaviors of the bully.

Despite these challenges, some schools are taking the lead. At W. S. Boardman Elementary in Long Island, the principals and teachers used action research to identify bullies or victims in their classrooms. They collected data on their own practices and the student’s characteristics, reflected on what they saw, and then developed a plan that embraced all students as part of the caring school community. Teachers focused on students’ needs to feel competent, connected, and autonomous in the school setting (Siris, 2001). They found that when teachers and administrators take time to show a personal interest in a student, provide opportunities for increased social interactions in the classroom, highlights the student’s talents, and gives him increased opportunities to make decisions, there are significant changes in the child’s school life. He appears happier, more involved in social activities, more engaged in learning, less likely to seek negative attention, and more accepted by his classmates. Students mimic both their teachers’ positive and negative behaviors; as teachers begin to like these students more, so, in turn, will their peers.

One School’s Approach

The teachers and principal in the school conducting the study brought their findings to the rest of the staff. They thought that they could also teach intervention strategies to students who observe bullying on a daily basis. In doing so, the students could make a positive difference in the school community. Students in 5th and 6th grades, who were interested in helping to change the culture of their school to one where “caring is cool” rather than where “put-downs are cool,” wrote letters to their teachers explaining why they would like to join the “Caring Majority Steering Committee.” A committee of 30 fifth- and sixth-grade students formed and, together with the principal and school social worker, worked in three two-hour sessions, first learning about the dangers of peer harassment, and then developing their plan. The students came up with several ideas for enlisting more members into the caring school community:

• Develop strong administrative consequences for any student using unkind words or put-downs.
• Implement a “We don’t say you can’t play” rule. If anyone asks to join a group of children already playing, the answer is always “Yes!”
• Use “I” messages to tell children how you are feeling (i.e., “I don’t like it when you call me “loser.”).
• Report a student who is excluding or harassing a classmate to the nearest adult; if that adult does not help, keep reporting it until someone does.
• Form support groups for both the victims and the bullies.
• Hold meetings for parents about bullying and victimization in schools and the long-term effects for both the victim and the bully.

Members of the steering committee became the ambassadors, spreading the new plan to all the classrooms. They designed a tee shirt with the slogan “At our school, caring is cool,” and sold it at the school store. Working in pairs, they prepared a PowerPoint presentation and shared their new plan with each classroom in the building. Having the message brought to the students by other students had a powerful effect—seventy-five percent of the students ordered a tee shirt during the first week they went on sale. They proudly wore them to school, and slowly began to change their behaviors.

When schools do not put a strong emphasis on the needs of both the bully and the victim, the problem becomes chronic—many students will continue to suffer from verbal and physical harassment on a daily basis. The school climate must reflect an atmosphere in which students can express their feelings and feel they can turn to any adult or their classmates for help and support. It is essential that school personnel create caring communities like the one in W. S. Boardman Elementary for students as a way to decrease the incidences of bullying and victimization.

Dr. Karen Siris, principal and professor has been featured on NBC and CBS News and ivillage.com for the work she has done creating a Caring Majority of “upstanding” students in her Long Island School.  Her research on Alleviating Bullying received the Outstanding Dissertation of the Year Award from Hofstra University.

We hear about cutting in the media when celebrities like Angelina Jolie, Princess Diana, and Courtney Love, to name a few, come forward. We may learn of instances of cutting in our communities, but it remains a poorly understood and difficult to treat behavior. Yet cutting is becoming more prevalent in young women.

Rachel is 16 years old. Her tall, slightly overweight body conveyed awkwardness and her learning disability only made matters worse. She required ongoing help in all of her special needs classes while her star athlete brother was accepted early decision into his first choice Ivy League college. He emanated success and high performance in all of his endeavors.

Rachel’s father, CEO of a company in London, and mother, a high- powered Boston lawyer, both demanded perfection in themselves and their children. Essentially raised by nannies, and feeling very much an outcast, Rachel kept to herself. Her rich inner world remained a secret for years. Rachel sensed her parents’ disappointment in her performance but felt helpless, as she could not find anything good about herself.

Her few friends sometimes included her in their activities and sometimes did not. Rachel spent hours alone in her room organizing her drawers and shelves and playing with her dolls. She could not sleep knowing that anything was out of place in her room.

One evening her mother took Rachel shopping. Her mother slipped into the dressing room to hand Rachel some clothes. It was then that her mother noticed the cuts on her thighs – five scars of varying degrees of freshness on her left thigh and six on her right thigh.

Rachel quickly covered up and demanded that her mother leave the dressing room. She told her mother that she was ‘scratched’ while playing with her cat.

Her mother didn’t believe Rachel and pressed further until Rachel finally confessed. She vowed to her mother that she would not cut herself again, but also insisted that they no longer talk about this behavior. Her mother agreed not to discuss the cutting as long as Rachel promised she would talk to a therapist.

Rachel’s loneliness, isolation, anxiety, lack of connection and self-loathing all contributed to her self-injurious behavior. Her cutting was not intended as a suicidal gesture, but rather as a self-destructive way of coping with complicated and painful feelings.

Rachel numbed herself to the emotional pain that she experienced on a regular basis. The pain of the cutting masked the pain in her heart. It felt better to cut her flesh and bleed, than feel the rejection and self-hatred. Cutting gave Rachel the illusion that she could control her inner world but the relief was only temporary.

According to Mental Health America and Discovery Health Report over the past decade more than 2 million people have cut themselves or inflicted self-injury. Further evidence suggests that 1 in every 200 teenage girls have intentionally cut themselves.

When left untreated, cutting and self-injurious behaviors do not simply resolve or go away. While this behavior is not addictive, it is habit-forming. Rachel continued to engage in cutting behavior to continue to find the relief she desperately needed. Whenever she felt mocked at school, failed yet another exam or disappointed her parents, she would retreat and self regulate by cutting her body.

These behaviors usually begin in adolescence and can continue into adulthood. While most girls (9 out of 10) who attempt cutting do not continue this behavior, those that do, left untreated, send themselves deeper into an emotionally tumultuous world. Treatment for cutting is designed to get at and resolve the core issues, usually regarding low self-esteem, depression, body image and self-loathing.

Only after an in-depth psychotherapy and adoption of specific behavioral and cognitive-behavioral strategies did Rachel begin to gain authentic control of her feelings and impulses. Treatment for this type of disorder typically can be quite involved and happens over the span of years.

Stay tuned for part 2 on cutting and self-injurious behavior.

I would love to get your thoughts and reactions to this post.

If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Abuse is any behavior that is used to control or quash another human being with fear, humiliation, manipulation, intimidation, guilt, criticism etc. Emotional abuse employs verbal and psychological tactics rather than physical ones. Sometimes it can be blatant while other times it can be quite subtle and hard to detect. Chronic devaluing and shaming gradually tugs away at the victim’s psyche leaving long-lasting, sometimes lifelong scars. The abused feels worthless and deserving of this torment. Usually the victim’s greatest fears are being lonely and unloved.

At sixteen years of age, Jenny did not understand why her father called her a “whore”, “slut”, and “tramp.” Her virginity was intact. Sometimes she flirted with boys like the other girls, but never did anything beyond kissing them. She wondered if sleeping with a boy would make her a bad person.

Her father also exhibited dramatic mood swings that left Jenny terrorized and uncertain about what would happen next. He sometimes displayed great affection towards her, but at other times, became enraged and rejected her.  Jenny’s frustration over her father’s name-calling and mood swings grew over time. She felt violated, yet was afraid to speak back to him and communicate her insecurity. Jenny hated herself for not standing up to him. Her mother also feared the father’s abuse and neglected to defend her daughter. Jenny a once bouncy, effervescent little girl, began feeling hopeless and expressed learned helplessness in her teenage years. She was losing her life force. Over time she developed an eating disorder, which became her cry for help.

Some common forms of emotional abuse:

• neglect
• rejection
• isolation
• demands/criticism
• being ignored
• threatened
• domination
• verbal assaults
• unpredictable behaviors

Because emotional abuse can so easily occur behind closed doors, it is often difficult to identify. If children are consistently exposed to emotional abuse at home, they may think the behavior is normal. An emotionally abused child has not necessarily witnessed the way a healthy home environment operates.

Some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse with children and adults:

• anxiety
• difficulty with intimate relationships
• constantly seeking approval and affirmation
• feeling different from others
• judging themselves harshly
• lying without apparent reason
• depression
• low self-esteem
• guilty feelings
• isolation
• sense of shame
• feeling unlovable
• mood shifts
• substance abuse
• self-abuse
• extreme neediness
• suicidal ideation or attempts

The cycle of emotional abuse: tension and anger increases, there is some explosive incident, followed by a reconciliation and finally a period of calm.

How do you think someone you care about can break the cycle of abuse?

Please stay tuned for Part 3 about some ways to break the cycle of abuse.

Emotional abuse is behavior that controls and manipulates another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt and coercion. The victim’s feelings, needs, thoughts and desires are trivialized and made to seem inconsequential in comparison to the needs of the abuser.

Ellen’s husband, Mike, yelled obscenities at her after she forgot to pick up his dry cleaning. He told her that she was lazy and stupid. When he found her treating herself to chocolate for dessert, after she single-handedly cleared the dinner table and cleaned the dishes, he would go on a tirade about her weight and disgusting appearance. Mike would say, “Why can’t you look as sexy as the other women? I’m ashamed to be seen with you. I deserve better than this.” She would cry and sometimes that made him stop, other times it egged him on.

When I met Ellen, my first impressions were that she was petite and shy. It took her several sessions to start talking about some of Mike’s tantrums and nasty comments. She felt like she was betraying him. None of Ellen’s friends knew anything about Mike’s behind-the-scenes abusive behavior. To them he seemed quite charming and charismatic. Ellen felt alone and deeply ashamed.

She did not know how to go about changing the dynamic of their relationship. They had three children aged four through nine and Ellen refused to compromise their “beautiful family.” She began to internalize her husband’s malicious comments and toxic behavior and developed a sense of self-blame. She was at a crossroads and did not know how to make things better.

She shared, “It wasn’t always this way. Mike was loving and indulgent with me the first few years we were together. It’s the stress of his business and the demands of our family that gets him frustrated and angry. We were so in love back then. Even now after he yells at me, I know he feels guilty. Sometimes he brings me a beautiful piece of jewelry or gift after a fight, because I know he feels so bad.”

At first Ellen did not think of herself as being emotionally abused. She felt deeply saddened and shamed by Mike’s comments as well as guilty for not being able to appease him. She convinced herself that if she could only learn to get things right, their relationship would improve.

Emotional abuse is a kind of “brainwashing” which systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. Constant berating and belittling cuts to the core of the victim and destroys her ability to see things clearly and to perceive a true sense of self.

Often a victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself, as did Ellen, for the abuse. In an attempt to justify her husband’s actions and rationalize his ruthless behavior, Ellen drew all of the responsibility away from her guilty spouse, enabling the nasty criticisms to continue. It is not unusual in these circumstances for the victim to then cling to her abuser.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars or broken bones. Still its’ victims experience it as perhaps the most powerful and deeply injurious form of abuse.

What have you witnessed as the impact of emotional abuse?

How do you suggest dealing with this kind of suffering?

Only in recent years have we come to understand the positive effects of exercise on the brain and mental health. Exercise is also good for one’s physical health. Reduced body fat, stronger muscles,  bones, and heart, and lower blood pressure are among the benefits. It also helps us look and feel healthier and fit.

During exercise the levels of neurotransmitters – the “feel good chemicals” serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine – increase. Exercise, therefore, has powerful antidepressant properties. In a study conducted at Duke University researchers found that 60% of the participants who exercised for 30 minutes 3x week over a four week period successfully overcame their depression without the use of antidepressant medication. This is the same percentage as people who benefit from taking antidepressant medication. This is not to suggest that people stop taking medicine for depression, but it does suggest that exercise would significantly help in the management of this prevalent psychological disorder.

You certainly don’t need to have a depression diagnosis to derive the psychological benefits from exercise. Even short workouts (under ten minutes) have been shown to improve mood, self-esteem, confidence, and feelings of well-being, and to decrease feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety and stress.

Physical activity also improves the quality of one’s sleep, diminishes the experience of pain and may protect against the debilitating effects of dementia.

More active people also perceive themselves as having a better quality of life than their nonactive counterparts. Some studies link exercise with higher levels of alertness and mental capacity, including the ability to learn.

Most importantly we can usually count on feeling better after just about any form of working out. It’s the natural antidote for much of what ails us.

Top 10 Reasons to Stay Physically Active

1. Improve energy level
2. Burn more calories at rest
3. Improve physical appearance
4. Tolerate stress better
5. Recover faster from injuries and surgeries
6. Stay focused longer
7. Increase lean body mass
8. Build endurance and flexibility
9. Decrease risk of illness
10. Key to balance and happiness

Still for some, the idea of exercise seems more like a punishment than a pleasure. You might have to train your brain to make positive associations with exercise, until the physical activity itself becomes a reward.

Create a Plan for Your Exercise Routine

• Try different activities then decide what form of exercise you would most enjoy.
• When can you build the time for exercise into your day?
• Is there someone you can coordinate schedules with so that you have a partner for your scheduled workout?
• Create a simple positive affirmation about the joy of movement and the benefits you will derive. Repeat often.
• Keep a journal of your workouts so you can track your successes.
• Reward yourself with a latte or something (not a cupcake!) after a workout.

What form of exercise gives you the greatest pleasure?

Jennifer transforms feelings of loneliness into an opportunity for greater self-care and connection with women friends. She didn’t even realize the depth of her isolation and depression until we started talking about her typical daily routine.

A forty–one year old mother of two pre-teen girls, Jennifer is more of a planner and caretaker than the warm and fuzzy sort. Jennifer dutifully takes her daughters to school, music and skating lessons and assorted play dates. She routinely does the laundry, grocery shopping and prepares the family meals. Jennifer take her job as homemaker seriously and carefully analyzes the best ways of handling her multitude of responsibilities.

She came to see me because she “…felt lonely, bored and often sad.” Jennifer knew that everything she did revolved around the needs of her family. She admitted that she did very little to take care of herself. When we first met I observed that her clothes were wrinkled and mismatched. Tousled hair hid much of her face. She slouched on the couch and spoke in soft, terse sentences while fighting back tears.

Not used to talking about her feelings or herself, Jennifer encouraged me to ask her questions. My first inquiry was about her friends. “Who do you spend time with?” I asked. Jennifer looked perplexed and told me she had no time for friends. The only person she opened up to was her cousin Julie who lived in Philadelphia, six hours away. They usually spoke about once a week, but lately they were connecting less because of Julie’s new job.

“Is there anyone else you talk to locally?”

Jennifer began to cry. She confessed to being an introvert. Her husband was the social one in her family and essentially he interfered with her chances of getting to know anyone. “He is the life of the party and always takes over. I feel like there is no one drawn to me. Why would they be? He’s so appealing and I can hardly find the words to say what I’m thinking or feeling. I always feel so vulnerable and irrelevant.”

I wanted to know more about Jennifer but I thought the first order of business was for us to establish a bond. Then I needed to leave her with tools that she could implement right away.

We discussed the skill of walking meditation which combines abdominal breathing with slow, mindful walking. Jennifer lived near some conservation land where she could practice the walking meditation. I thought this practice would help her to be more in the present moment, add some movement into her life and get her away from the usual household and shopping routine. In high school she had been a cross country runner, but felt like she no longer had the time to indulge in running or working out. The walks were meant to be reflective, but also to ignite the pleasure center associated with outdoor activity.

The following weeks, as our connection grew stronger, Jennifer continued to talk about her life. She noticed that she felt less depressed but the loneliness still felt pervasive. Jennifer did not want to talk about the relationship with her husband just yet. She felt that she was better off not exploring their marriage, especially since she was not willing to leave him and did not want to dredge up her complicated feelings about him.

Instead, we spoke again about her friendships. Nothing much had changed in that realm. Jennifer and I discussed the ways in which her life would improve if she invited more women friends into her life. Her shyness ran interference with her ability to connect, so we needed to explore ways of overcoming her lack of confidence. I suggested she commit to making a phone call a day to the women she knew from the various car pools or the women friends she knew through the couples her husband befriended. Jennifer reluctantly agreed.

The following week I encouraged Jennifer to begin keeping a gratitude journal of 3-5 positive experiences she had daily. A good cup of coffee, a conversation with a friend, a nap, or anything she liked, regardless of how minor, could be counted. This practice developed Jennifer’s sense of appreciation for everyday pleasures. She was on board for the gratitude journal.

Several weeks later, Jennifer shared that for the first time in years her sense of isolation was lifting. She met a neighbor while out walking and they decided to join ranks and walk. Over the course of the next couple of months they began walking and talking several times weekly. Jennifer also walked on alternate days with another woman she knew through carpooling.

Jennifer felt a greater sense of connection with women friends. She was taking better care of herself physically and psychologically. Her children and husband noticed the positive changes. Everything else seemed more manageable as Jennifer gained a greater sense of balance and happiness in her life.

What do you do to stay connected with others and care for yourself?

What woman has not struggled with her own complicated feelings about her body image and self esteem? The pressure to look a certain way is so deeply embedded in our collective psyches that we forget about the media’s hypnotic effect on our self perception. Instead we have internalized the notion that we are fat, misshapen, sagging, wrinkled and flawed. Looking in the mirror becomes inextricably intertwined with lowered self-worth.

“Images of female bodies are everywhere. Women – and their body parts – sell everything from food to cars. Popular film and television actresses are becoming younger, taller, and thinner,” according to the Media Awareness Network.

Jennifer Garner as an ideal of beauty

Reading magazines like Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour, or In Style, or surfing the net, watching television and movies reminds women about their own imperfections. ‘How come I can’t achieve this level of beauty and thinness?’ we ask. The fact that in real life the women depicted don’t even look like their magazine or movie images is another matter. We are bombarded with airbrushed and digitally enhanced images of beauty that lead us to believe that this perfection is within our grasp.

The message presented is that we need to buy the right products and clothes, diet and exercise more religiously or take solace in injections and surgical interventions. When the products, clothes, diets, cosmetic interventions don’t work as promised many of us feel as though we have failed.

Many of us have had long standing struggles with our body image even though we have worked hard at accepting ourselves for who we are and how we look. The cycle of negative body image and low self-esteem is powerful, often subliminal and very difficult to intercept. Intellectually we know we are better off celebrating our bodies for taking us on the journey of life and yet the quiet self loathing often persists.

Lisa Kudrow in real life vs. her media look

It is not unusual for women to start out their day by looking in the mirror and thinking, “I’m fat. I’m ugly.” This negative self-talk becomes ingrained in our unconscious minds and spills over into the rest of the day. Self-denigration is deeply personal and profoundly effects on our self-esteem. Women also play off of each other when it comes to self-perceptions. If for example I say to a friend, “I hate these bags under my eyes.” “The cellulite on my legs is disgusting.” Some women hear that and internalize it as “I, too, must be unappealing.” We collude with each other about these impossible standards of glamour.

We pay a high price for the distorted way we look at ourselves. We bring the insecurities we feel into our relationships with each other, with our partners, with our children and thereby perpetuate the myths of beauty and impossible perfection.

It is critical that we break this cycle and recognize our self worth. As women we need to realize how fabulous we are and the ways in which contribute to our families, our communities and the world. By replacing unhealthy images with more realistic and age appropriate role models, we will begin to change our perceptions. Magazines such as Body + Soul, More, and Oprah,  and the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty, for example, feature healthy body types and positive body images.

Four women from the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

How do we break the cycle? Here are 10 ways to have a more positive body image and enhanced sense of self-esteem.

1. Observe the internal messages you are telling yourself. For most of us it starts early in the morning in the bathroom. Right there is our first opportunity to stop the negative self-talk. For example, think of replacing “I hate my fat thighs” to “I need to start walking more regularly.” That way you are replacing a negative thought with a positive action, that will foster change and better self-perception. Practice affirmations that build your positive self-image.
2. Focus on the aspects of your body that you consider to be strengths; your hair, your smile, your skin, your legs. Take the emphasis away from what your consider to be your physical weaknesses.
3. Remind yourself that your imperfections are largely a creation of the media and that your health is most important. When you take your health seriously it usually means you’re taking better care of yourself and will look and feel better. A healthy diet will go a long way to improve your self-esteem.
4. Learn to value your uniqueness. Every body comes in a different and size and shape. Every body comes in a different and size and shape. Very few women fall into the super model category and ironically many of them suffer from their own issues around personal imperfections. Visualization and self-hypnosis also work for replacing negative body image and enhancing self-esteem.
5. Wear clothing that makes you feel good regardless of your weight, size or shape. Sometimes just buying a new pair of pants that fit well can change your whole experience of your body and self-esteem as well.
6. Talk to yourself with the same compassion and loving kindness you would show to a dear friend or someone you love. Somehow many of us have learned that it’s okay to treat ourselves poorly and then we turn the switch and treat others well.
7. Stop comparing yourself with other women. We each have our own gifts and life is not always fair. Find a way to work with what you’ve got, make it as good as you can, in the most loving way possible.
8. Pay attention to when your feelings about your body are displaced. Perhaps you haven’t been connecting with friends enough or haven’t had intimate experience of late. Sometimes loneliness or isolation gets translated in our minds into something else. So we might think obsessively about our body’s imperfections rather than the real issue that might be, “I’m lonely.”
9. Walk whenever possible in the fresh air. The oxygenation has a relaxation effect on the mind and body and helps the brain to fire up in a more positive way. When you are relaxed you won’t be as judgmental or self-punitive.
10. Stand up straight. Carrying yourself in good posture helps you to look and feel better. It is better for your back, neck and internal organs. Sometimes the feeling of self-esteem comes with the physical manifestation of looking the part. In other words, sometimes you need to “Fake it until you make it.”

How do you manage your body image issues?