Emotional abuse is behavior that controls and manipulates another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt and coercion. The victim’s feelings, needs, thoughts and desires are trivialized and made to seem inconsequential in comparison to the needs of the abuser.

Ellen’s husband, Mike, yelled obscenities at her after she forgot to pick up his dry cleaning. He told her that she was lazy and stupid. When he found her treating herself to chocolate for dessert, after she single-handedly cleared the dinner table and cleaned the dishes, he would go on a tirade about her weight and disgusting appearance. Mike would say, “Why can’t you look as sexy as the other women? I’m ashamed to be seen with you. I deserve better than this.” She would cry and sometimes that made him stop, other times it egged him on.

When I met Ellen, my first impressions were that she was petite and shy. It took her several sessions to start talking about some of Mike’s tantrums and nasty comments. She felt like she was betraying him. None of Ellen’s friends knew anything about Mike’s behind-the-scenes abusive behavior. To them he seemed quite charming and charismatic. Ellen felt alone and deeply ashamed.

She did not know how to go about changing the dynamic of their relationship. They had three children aged four through nine and Ellen refused to compromise their “beautiful family.” She began to internalize her husband’s malicious comments and toxic behavior and developed a sense of self-blame. She was at a crossroads and did not know how to make things better.

She shared, “It wasn’t always this way. Mike was loving and indulgent with me the first few years we were together. It’s the stress of his business and the demands of our family that gets him frustrated and angry. We were so in love back then. Even now after he yells at me, I know he feels guilty. Sometimes he brings me a beautiful piece of jewelry or gift after a fight, because I know he feels so bad.”

At first Ellen did not think of herself as being emotionally abused. She felt deeply saddened and shamed by Mike’s comments as well as guilty for not being able to appease him. She convinced herself that if she could only learn to get things right, their relationship would improve.

Emotional abuse is a kind of “brainwashing” which systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. Constant berating and belittling cuts to the core of the victim and destroys her ability to see things clearly and to perceive a true sense of self.

Often a victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself, as did Ellen, for the abuse. In an attempt to justify her husband’s actions and rationalize his ruthless behavior, Ellen drew all of the responsibility away from her guilty spouse, enabling the nasty criticisms to continue. It is not unusual in these circumstances for the victim to then cling to her abuser.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars or broken bones. Still its’ victims experience it as perhaps the most powerful and deeply injurious form of abuse.

What have you witnessed as the impact of emotional abuse?

How do you suggest dealing with this kind of suffering?

Only in recent years have we come to understand the positive effects of exercise on the brain and mental health. Exercise is also good for one’s physical health. Reduced body fat, stronger muscles,  bones, and heart, and lower blood pressure are among the benefits. It also helps us look and feel healthier and fit.

During exercise the levels of neurotransmitters – the “feel good chemicals” serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine – increase. Exercise, therefore, has powerful antidepressant properties. In a study conducted at Duke University researchers found that 60% of the participants who exercised for 30 minutes 3x week over a four week period successfully overcame their depression without the use of antidepressant medication. This is the same percentage as people who benefit from taking antidepressant medication. This is not to suggest that people stop taking medicine for depression, but it does suggest that exercise would significantly help in the management of this prevalent psychological disorder.

You certainly don’t need to have a depression diagnosis to derive the psychological benefits from exercise. Even short workouts (under ten minutes) have been shown to improve mood, self-esteem, confidence, and feelings of well-being, and to decrease feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety and stress.

Physical activity also improves the quality of one’s sleep, diminishes the experience of pain and may protect against the debilitating effects of dementia.

More active people also perceive themselves as having a better quality of life than their nonactive counterparts. Some studies link exercise with higher levels of alertness and mental capacity, including the ability to learn.

Most importantly we can usually count on feeling better after just about any form of working out. It’s the natural antidote for much of what ails us.

Top 10 Reasons to Stay Physically Active

1. Improve energy level
2. Burn more calories at rest
3. Improve physical appearance
4. Tolerate stress better
5. Recover faster from injuries and surgeries
6. Stay focused longer
7. Increase lean body mass
8. Build endurance and flexibility
9. Decrease risk of illness
10. Key to balance and happiness

Still for some, the idea of exercise seems more like a punishment than a pleasure. You might have to train your brain to make positive associations with exercise, until the physical activity itself becomes a reward.

Create a Plan for Your Exercise Routine

• Try different activities then decide what form of exercise you would most enjoy.
• When can you build the time for exercise into your day?
• Is there someone you can coordinate schedules with so that you have a partner for your scheduled workout?
• Create a simple positive affirmation about the joy of movement and the benefits you will derive. Repeat often.
• Keep a journal of your workouts so you can track your successes.
• Reward yourself with a latte or something (not a cupcake!) after a workout.

What form of exercise gives you the greatest pleasure?

Jennifer transforms feelings of loneliness into an opportunity for greater self-care and connection with women friends. She didn’t even realize the depth of her isolation and depression until we started talking about her typical daily routine.

A forty–one year old mother of two pre-teen girls, Jennifer is more of a planner and caretaker than the warm and fuzzy sort. Jennifer dutifully takes her daughters to school, music and skating lessons and assorted play dates. She routinely does the laundry, grocery shopping and prepares the family meals. Jennifer take her job as homemaker seriously and carefully analyzes the best ways of handling her multitude of responsibilities.

She came to see me because she “…felt lonely, bored and often sad.” Jennifer knew that everything she did revolved around the needs of her family. She admitted that she did very little to take care of herself. When we first met I observed that her clothes were wrinkled and mismatched. Tousled hair hid much of her face. She slouched on the couch and spoke in soft, terse sentences while fighting back tears.

Not used to talking about her feelings or herself, Jennifer encouraged me to ask her questions. My first inquiry was about her friends. “Who do you spend time with?” I asked. Jennifer looked perplexed and told me she had no time for friends. The only person she opened up to was her cousin Julie who lived in Philadelphia, six hours away. They usually spoke about once a week, but lately they were connecting less because of Julie’s new job.

“Is there anyone else you talk to locally?”

Jennifer began to cry. She confessed to being an introvert. Her husband was the social one in her family and essentially he interfered with her chances of getting to know anyone. “He is the life of the party and always takes over. I feel like there is no one drawn to me. Why would they be? He’s so appealing and I can hardly find the words to say what I’m thinking or feeling. I always feel so vulnerable and irrelevant.”

I wanted to know more about Jennifer but I thought the first order of business was for us to establish a bond. Then I needed to leave her with tools that she could implement right away.

We discussed the skill of walking meditation which combines abdominal breathing with slow, mindful walking. Jennifer lived near some conservation land where she could practice the walking meditation. I thought this practice would help her to be more in the present moment, add some movement into her life and get her away from the usual household and shopping routine. In high school she had been a cross country runner, but felt like she no longer had the time to indulge in running or working out. The walks were meant to be reflective, but also to ignite the pleasure center associated with outdoor activity.

The following weeks, as our connection grew stronger, Jennifer continued to talk about her life. She noticed that she felt less depressed but the loneliness still felt pervasive. Jennifer did not want to talk about the relationship with her husband just yet. She felt that she was better off not exploring their marriage, especially since she was not willing to leave him and did not want to dredge up her complicated feelings about him.

Instead, we spoke again about her friendships. Nothing much had changed in that realm. Jennifer and I discussed the ways in which her life would improve if she invited more women friends into her life. Her shyness ran interference with her ability to connect, so we needed to explore ways of overcoming her lack of confidence. I suggested she commit to making a phone call a day to the women she knew from the various car pools or the women friends she knew through the couples her husband befriended. Jennifer reluctantly agreed.

The following week I encouraged Jennifer to begin keeping a gratitude journal of 3-5 positive experiences she had daily. A good cup of coffee, a conversation with a friend, a nap, or anything she liked, regardless of how minor, could be counted. This practice developed Jennifer’s sense of appreciation for everyday pleasures. She was on board for the gratitude journal.

Several weeks later, Jennifer shared that for the first time in years her sense of isolation was lifting. She met a neighbor while out walking and they decided to join ranks and walk. Over the course of the next couple of months they began walking and talking several times weekly. Jennifer also walked on alternate days with another woman she knew through carpooling.

Jennifer felt a greater sense of connection with women friends. She was taking better care of herself physically and psychologically. Her children and husband noticed the positive changes. Everything else seemed more manageable as Jennifer gained a greater sense of balance and happiness in her life.

What do you do to stay connected with others and care for yourself?

What woman has not struggled with her own complicated feelings about her body image and self esteem? The pressure to look a certain way is so deeply embedded in our collective psyches that we forget about the media’s hypnotic effect on our self perception. Instead we have internalized the notion that we are fat, misshapen, sagging, wrinkled and flawed. Looking in the mirror becomes inextricably intertwined with lowered self-worth.

“Images of female bodies are everywhere. Women – and their body parts – sell everything from food to cars. Popular film and television actresses are becoming younger, taller, and thinner,” according to the Media Awareness Network.

Jennifer Garner as an ideal of beauty

Reading magazines like Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour, or In Style, or surfing the net, watching television and movies reminds women about their own imperfections. ‘How come I can’t achieve this level of beauty and thinness?’ we ask. The fact that in real life the women depicted don’t even look like their magazine or movie images is another matter. We are bombarded with airbrushed and digitally enhanced images of beauty that lead us to believe that this perfection is within our grasp.

The message presented is that we need to buy the right products and clothes, diet and exercise more religiously or take solace in injections and surgical interventions. When the products, clothes, diets, cosmetic interventions don’t work as promised many of us feel as though we have failed.

Many of us have had long standing struggles with our body image even though we have worked hard at accepting ourselves for who we are and how we look. The cycle of negative body image and low self-esteem is powerful, often subliminal and very difficult to intercept. Intellectually we know we are better off celebrating our bodies for taking us on the journey of life and yet the quiet self loathing often persists.

Lisa Kudrow in real life vs. her media look

It is not unusual for women to start out their day by looking in the mirror and thinking, “I’m fat. I’m ugly.” This negative self-talk becomes ingrained in our unconscious minds and spills over into the rest of the day. Self-denigration is deeply personal and profoundly effects on our self-esteem. Women also play off of each other when it comes to self-perceptions. If for example I say to a friend, “I hate these bags under my eyes.” “The cellulite on my legs is disgusting.” Some women hear that and internalize it as “I, too, must be unappealing.” We collude with each other about these impossible standards of glamour.

We pay a high price for the distorted way we look at ourselves. We bring the insecurities we feel into our relationships with each other, with our partners, with our children and thereby perpetuate the myths of beauty and impossible perfection.

It is critical that we break this cycle and recognize our self worth. As women we need to realize how fabulous we are and the ways in which contribute to our families, our communities and the world. By replacing unhealthy images with more realistic and age appropriate role models, we will begin to change our perceptions. Magazines such as Body + Soul, More, and Oprah,  and the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty, for example, feature healthy body types and positive body images.

Four women from the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty

How do we break the cycle? Here are 10 ways to have a more positive body image and enhanced sense of self-esteem.

1. Observe the internal messages you are telling yourself. For most of us it starts early in the morning in the bathroom. Right there is our first opportunity to stop the negative self-talk. For example, think of replacing “I hate my fat thighs” to “I need to start walking more regularly.” That way you are replacing a negative thought with a positive action, that will foster change and better self-perception. Practice affirmations that build your positive self-image.
2. Focus on the aspects of your body that you consider to be strengths; your hair, your smile, your skin, your legs. Take the emphasis away from what your consider to be your physical weaknesses.
3. Remind yourself that your imperfections are largely a creation of the media and that your health is most important. When you take your health seriously it usually means you’re taking better care of yourself and will look and feel better. A healthy diet will go a long way to improve your self-esteem.
4. Learn to value your uniqueness. Every body comes in a different and size and shape. Every body comes in a different and size and shape. Very few women fall into the super model category and ironically many of them suffer from their own issues around personal imperfections. Visualization and self-hypnosis also work for replacing negative body image and enhancing self-esteem.
5. Wear clothing that makes you feel good regardless of your weight, size or shape. Sometimes just buying a new pair of pants that fit well can change your whole experience of your body and self-esteem as well.
6. Talk to yourself with the same compassion and loving kindness you would show to a dear friend or someone you love. Somehow many of us have learned that it’s okay to treat ourselves poorly and then we turn the switch and treat others well.
7. Stop comparing yourself with other women. We each have our own gifts and life is not always fair. Find a way to work with what you’ve got, make it as good as you can, in the most loving way possible.
8. Pay attention to when your feelings about your body are displaced. Perhaps you haven’t been connecting with friends enough or haven’t had intimate experience of late. Sometimes loneliness or isolation gets translated in our minds into something else. So we might think obsessively about our body’s imperfections rather than the real issue that might be, “I’m lonely.”
9. Walk whenever possible in the fresh air. The oxygenation has a relaxation effect on the mind and body and helps the brain to fire up in a more positive way. When you are relaxed you won’t be as judgmental or self-punitive.
10. Stand up straight. Carrying yourself in good posture helps you to look and feel better. It is better for your back, neck and internal organs. Sometimes the feeling of self-esteem comes with the physical manifestation of looking the part. In other words, sometimes you need to “Fake it until you make it.”

How do you manage your body image issues?