Roberta tragically lost her father in a freak accident when she was eighteen years old. Her mother took the reins and controlled Roberta’s life by making her stay at home and work for the family business, rather than going off to college as planned. To escape her mother’s firm grip, Roberta married at the age of twenty and began her family. Five children later Roberta found herself depressed and lonely, although she loved her family. She neglected herself except on rare occasions and secretly felt like a failure. When her ‘baby’ was about to go off to the college of her dreams, Roberta finally decided to get some outside help. Over time she realized that she had traded in her mother for a controlling husband. Her self-esteem was damaged, but salvageable. Roberta needed to become aware of her inner feelings around loss and neglect and find her true voice. In addition, she had to learn how to create healthy boundaries with her husband and how to take better care of herself physically and emotionally.

Healthy self-esteem is central to emotional well-being. It is the way a person perceives herself and her personal value. It is the core belief that you are competent, resourceful and resilient in the face of life’s challenges.

Some characteristics of a woman with low self-esteem

• She operates out of fear and an inability to step up to the demands of challenging situations.
• She does not feel worthy or deserving of happiness, even when she acts like she does.
• She compares herself to others and does not measure up.
• She fears rejection in her relationships.
• She does not feel worthy and often does not take good care of herself except in superficial ways.
• She personalizes the feedback of others, even when it is well intended.
• Her external actions and behaviors don’t match her inner beliefs about herself which makes matters worse.

Some characteristics of person with positive self-esteem

• She believes she is a worthy person and deserves to be happy.
• She has confidence in her ability to think things through.
• She respects herself and expect others to do so as well.
• She knows that her value is not measured by her material possessions.
• Her relationships tend to be strong because she feels good about herself and she values these connections.
• She exhibits confidence in her ability to offer something unique to other people–herself.
• She internalizes constructive criticism without personalizing, thereby deepening her capacity for growth.
• She likely experiences success personally, professionally and relationally.

Making yourself conscious of your internal feelings is the first step toward boosting your self-esteem.

Strategies for Boosting Self-esteem

1.  Focus what’s good in your life – the things that make your life worthwhile. Rather than accepting and dwelling on negative experiences, find ways to see the positive angle in your experiences.

2.  Meditate: Meditate to connect you with your inner wisdom, strength and well-being.

3.  Discover the qualities that you like about yourself. Think about things about yourself that draw your friends and family to you i.e. your creativity, generosity, integrity, communication skills and your ability to care for the welfare of others.

4.  Learn to change your inner critic from a negative, criticizing voice into a positive voice that offers constructive guidance. Use affirmations to help you change negative self-talk. Remind yourself that you are already worthy and deserve to be happy.

5.  Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. Start appreciating what works. Small accomplishments create the pathway for bigger accomplishments.

6.  Surround yourself with positive and supportive people. When you surround yourself with negative people, you are more likely to think negatively. Similarly when you surround yourself with positive and supportive people, you are more likely to think optimistically and feel good about yourself.

7.  Keep a gratitude journal. When you start paying attention to all the good in your life, you are likely to feel more grateful and better about you self.

8.  Resist comparing yourself to others. There will always be people that have more than you and less than you. Focus on what is yours and how to make the best of it.

9.  Turn your home into a haven where you can escape the busy, hectic world. Surround yourself with music, books, art, friends and a space that makes you feel good.

10. Learn to let go and forgive yourself for not being perfect. Perfection is a setup for failure.

What strategies do you use when your self-esteem needs a boost?

Painting by Alison Seiffer

“We have to recover the art of making ourselves central,” said Gloria Steinem addressing more than 6,500 women at the 6th annual Massachusetts Conference for Women earlier this month. The keynote speakers included the renowned Gloria Steinem, Victoria Reggie Kennedy, Elizabeth Lesser, Judge Glenda Hatchett, Christy Turlington Burns and Tory Johnson. The focus was on women assuming their place as resilient leaders and daring to change the prevailing models of government and power.

Steinem said, “There is always one true inner voice. Trust it.” She spoke passionately about women struggling to enhance their self-esteem and to create a “Revolution From Within,” the title of one of her best-selling books. Changing the planet in a positive direction means changing ourselves internally and then bringing our true greatness to influence the lives of others. We must combine our uniqueness with unity.

Gloria Steinem and Dr. RKG at the Massachusetts Conference for Women

Steinem, an author, speaker, advocate,  and political tour de force who for two decades led a social revolution against injustice, quoted Albert Einstein: “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.” Steinem spoke of the difference between strength and force, guidance versus domination, and empowerment versus fear. Steinem challenged women to balance the needs of children and the stewardship of the earth.

“Your Time is Now” – Keynotes Explore Conference Theme

“Now is the time for women to lead around the globe,” according to Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, N.Y. Women all over the world are rebounding and finding their sense of purpose individually and collectively. Lesser said, “When you hear the word leader, hear your name.” She urged attendees to show the world a new way of leading and not perpetuate the status quo: “We must lead with intention, so that we can correct the path.”

Historically, domination and control around warfare and keeping women from making decisions set the tone for governing globally. What if women contributed to the body of leadership ideas? What if women became more comfortable using their voices and innate powers?

There is suffering around the world that needs healing. We cannot approach the mending of the world using the same strategies that have consistently failed. The voices of women need to be included in the conversation. We need to more fully integrate women in leadership roles and find new ways to solve old problems. We as women need to assume this responsibility.

Judge Glenda Hatchett said, “We need less fretting and more doing and being fearlessly resilient.” She dared the audience to live their lives with purpose and passion. Judge Hatchett said, “No one gets your story and what it took for you to get here like you do.” We have a story to tell and work to get done. Women can deliver a new way of leadership that draws upon strength and inclusion rather than domination.

Victoria Reggie Kennedy, a powerful voice and advocate for issues that affect the lives of women, children and families, said, “Be fearlessly resilient… to discover what you want and go get it.” Her work on issues such as homelessness, economic opportunity, health care, education, domestic violence, and involvement in the political process have contributed to positive changes in Massachusetts and nationally.

The Massachusetts Conference for Women continues to grow, educate and exhilarate women from the Boston area. The lead for the conference was: “YOUR TIME IS NOW! To be fearlessly resilient. To rebound with purpose and power. To lead with intention. To discover what you want—and go get it!”

What will you do in 2011 to lead your life with intention?

One school’s plan to ban bullying and create a caring community… Two boys, perspiring and smudged with playtime dirt, approach the main office of their elementary school. Seeming right at home, they rush past the secretary’s desk, making a beeline to the principal’s open door. The principal invites them in, and one at a time they explain their plight—several of their classmates wouldn’t let them join a basketball game. In addition, they said that one particular child had called them names, telling them they were “losers” and “couldn’t even dribble a basketball if they tried.” The principal listened intently and told her students that she would meet with all the children involved to discuss ways to get along and respect each other’s feelings. “Clearly,” she explained to the boys, “Your classmates have forgotten the school rule, ‘We don’t say you can’t play.’”

The principal in this vignette knows that kindness and empathy are essential ingredients for a successful school. The boys felt comfortable enough to come to her for aid and trusted that she would help them solve their problem.

When Bullying Begins

Teachers and principals are usually well acquainted with the child who is not accepted by his classmates. It begins in pre–school, when the child asks, “Can I play with you?” A dynamic develops early on, and certain children emerge as the leaders, or the arrangers of playtime. They have the ability to determine who is allowed to play, who is picked for the team, and who is not.

Unfortunately, once the roles are chosen, they often stay in place throughout childhood. The powerful become omnipotent, the followers become more compliant in fear that they may become the rejected, and the rejected become more lonely and isolated. This imbalance of power can result in bullying, which can be verbal, physical or psychological in nature.

All bullying causes social isolation and exclusion. Research indicates these behaviors lead to lasting negative effects for the bully and the victim. A child normally has a 5 percent chance of growing up to become a criminal, but bullies have a 25 percent chance of ending up with a criminal record by the age of 30 (Olweus, 1992). Victims have to deal with the initial victimizing situation and the subsequent social consequences. Even the “better” responses to the plight of the victim, concern or pity, may be perceived as condescending and underscore the victim’s loss of status, consequently lowering self-esteem. Students who are victimized have a greater chance of feeling depressed and have poorer self-esteem than their non-victimized counterparts.

A Call to Care

Bullying and victimization caught national attention in April, 1999, when two young men, seniors at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., shot and killed 13 people, and then themselves, in a premeditated rampage. A classmate of the assailants said, “. . . they did not fit with any [other] group. . . . I guess when you have a lack of friends you feel unwanted.” Another student said of one of the assailants, “It was obvious he felt socially ostracized. He really felt unloved. . . . He wasn’t so bad. He was lonely. I just wish I could give him a hug and tell him that I care” (Brooke, 1999).

In many recent incidents of school violence, the assailants were children who felt alienated from and “unrelated” to the school setting. All too often, exclusionary practices in schools, which can be defined as a form of “systemic violence,” are tolerated or ignored. Many students are coming to school burdened with feelings of anxiety caused by continual rejection from their peers and the lack of needed attention from teachers and administrators. In a Scandinavian study (Olweus, 1993), 40 percent of bullied students in the primary grades and almost 60 percent in secondary/junior high school grades reported that teachers tried to put a stop to bullying only “once in a while” or “almost never.” Alarmingly, 65 percent of bullied students in primary school said that the classroom teacher had not talked to them about bullying at all; in junior high school, the number rose to 86 percent.

Daniel Olweus, a renowned expert and researcher in bullying, believes that the “attitudes, routines, and behaviors of the school personnel—in particular the teachers—are certainly decisive factors in preventing and controlling bullying activities” (Olweus, 1993).

How to Stop It

Bullying and peer harassment can be addressed in a proactive way when educators create caring communities and make caring part of the school culture. Learning how to establish such an environment is often overlooked as a part of teacher professional development, however. Staff members need opportunities to observe their students’ and their own behaviors, time and opportunities to examine beliefs and practices, and time to develop and implement a plan that begins to solve the problem. Schools face a serious challenge when confronting the plight of the victimized child, as well as the dangerous behaviors of the bully.

Despite these challenges, some schools are taking the lead. At W. S. Boardman Elementary in Long Island, the principals and teachers used action research to identify bullies or victims in their classrooms. They collected data on their own practices and the student’s characteristics, reflected on what they saw, and then developed a plan that embraced all students as part of the caring school community. Teachers focused on students’ needs to feel competent, connected, and autonomous in the school setting (Siris, 2001). They found that when teachers and administrators take time to show a personal interest in a student, provide opportunities for increased social interactions in the classroom, highlights the student’s talents, and gives him increased opportunities to make decisions, there are significant changes in the child’s school life. He appears happier, more involved in social activities, more engaged in learning, less likely to seek negative attention, and more accepted by his classmates. Students mimic both their teachers’ positive and negative behaviors; as teachers begin to like these students more, so, in turn, will their peers.

One School’s Approach

The teachers and principal in the school conducting the study brought their findings to the rest of the staff. They thought that they could also teach intervention strategies to students who observe bullying on a daily basis. In doing so, the students could make a positive difference in the school community. Students in 5th and 6th grades, who were interested in helping to change the culture of their school to one where “caring is cool” rather than where “put-downs are cool,” wrote letters to their teachers explaining why they would like to join the “Caring Majority Steering Committee.” A committee of 30 fifth- and sixth-grade students formed and, together with the principal and school social worker, worked in three two-hour sessions, first learning about the dangers of peer harassment, and then developing their plan. The students came up with several ideas for enlisting more members into the caring school community:

• Develop strong administrative consequences for any student using unkind words or put-downs.
• Implement a “We don’t say you can’t play” rule. If anyone asks to join a group of children already playing, the answer is always “Yes!”
• Use “I” messages to tell children how you are feeling (i.e., “I don’t like it when you call me “loser.”).
• Report a student who is excluding or harassing a classmate to the nearest adult; if that adult does not help, keep reporting it until someone does.
• Form support groups for both the victims and the bullies.
• Hold meetings for parents about bullying and victimization in schools and the long-term effects for both the victim and the bully.

Members of the steering committee became the ambassadors, spreading the new plan to all the classrooms. They designed a tee shirt with the slogan “At our school, caring is cool,” and sold it at the school store. Working in pairs, they prepared a PowerPoint presentation and shared their new plan with each classroom in the building. Having the message brought to the students by other students had a powerful effect—seventy-five percent of the students ordered a tee shirt during the first week they went on sale. They proudly wore them to school, and slowly began to change their behaviors.

When schools do not put a strong emphasis on the needs of both the bully and the victim, the problem becomes chronic—many students will continue to suffer from verbal and physical harassment on a daily basis. The school climate must reflect an atmosphere in which students can express their feelings and feel they can turn to any adult or their classmates for help and support. It is essential that school personnel create caring communities like the one in W. S. Boardman Elementary for students as a way to decrease the incidences of bullying and victimization.

Dr. Karen Siris, principal and professor has been featured on NBC and CBS News and ivillage.com for the work she has done creating a Caring Majority of “upstanding” students in her Long Island School.  Her research on Alleviating Bullying received the Outstanding Dissertation of the Year Award from Hofstra University.

Sandra King speaks with her melodic Jamaican accent, “Leadership requires you to be confident and not afraid to take risks.” After years of marketing positions in greater Boston, Sandra King emerged as a leader and trailblazer in the field of college marketing in the early 1990’s. Before that, she channeled her mother’s entrepreneurial skills while owning an upscale children’s clothing store in the suburbs. Her work within college environments(Northeastern University, Babson College, and Bentley University) has been transformational with institutional strategic planning, policy development, marketing and problem solving.

She is currently the interim Vice President of Marketing and Communication at Worcester Polytechnic Institute and consulting for a company in Natick, Long Term Solutions. King still finds time to mentor young women and men, contributes her time and efforts to an array of non-profits and never misses her morning workout. She embodies the spiritof a woman who leads powerfully, loves deeply, connects with others and passionately gives back to her communities.

King’s Journey from Jamaica to America

Sandra King with her mother (far left), a friend and her sister, Andrea (far right)

Sandra King was born and raised in Kingston, Jamaica where she attended Holy Childhood High School. Her parents consistently encouraged their children, Sandra and her two younger sisters, to pursue academic career paths that felt meaningful. She originally came to the United States to attend Elmira College and study English. A marketing professor influenced her career path. Sandra began studying business administration and economics which changed the course of her future. After college, Sandra followed her boyfriend to Boston and in 1977 she earned her MBA at Northeastern in business with a concentration in marketing.

Sandra and her husband, Bob

Sandra says, “I married my boyfriend who brought me to Boston. We’ve been married 32 years and have three beautiful, loving children, Cortney, Bradley and Timothy.” In addition, Sandra has mentored and been the surrogate parent for her niece and nephew who both chose to go to school in the Boston area. As a working mother, Sandra understands the importance of balancing work life and family.

Blazing the Trail in College Marketing

In 1990, as the first vice president of marketing at any college or university, Sandra saw a way to distinguish herself where others had not. “A marketing career gives you the opportunity to be bold,” she says. The chance to be creative and to meet many different people held a great deal of appeal for her.

Views from Senegal March 2007

Sandra has traveled extensively and has met many well-known personalities including Oprah Winfrey and Bill Clinton as well as other women business and academic leaders as a member of The Boston Club. “Interacting with a wide range of people has always been important to me.” It is one of the reasons that Sandra has remained active with her book club, an investment club and has a strong network of women friends. “We are each others sounding boards. To have an ear and to be an ear.”

As for mentoring others, Sandra especially likes networking and mentoring younger men and women. “You never know when the shoe’s on the other foot. Not that I anticipate reciprocity, but mentoring is a valuable way for you to develop and for that person to develop. I take pride in the success of those I feel I have helped.”

Views on Women and Leadership

“Perhaps because I have been in a leadership role my entire career, I don’t see this current groundswell as new. I think it has always been a struggle. The voices are getting louder because a larger group of women have expanded career opportunities over time, which raises the bar,” Sandra says.

She notes that there are many women with increased visibility like Oprah, Maria Shriver and Arianna Huffington. “Then again,” she adds, “there have always been women like Barbara Walters struggling to get us the recognition we deserve. There’s been a constant drum beat.” She adds, “Having leadership opportunities presented to you is the reflection of someone else’s confidence in you. These opportunities are not to be taken lightly.  They represent trust and at the same time requires that you step forward when asked.”

Sandra with Oprah Winfrey

One of the elements that have changed is that, “as women we now have our own resources,” Sandra explains. “Through contacts, we have the ear of people with influence. Being able to have that power and leverage has been building over time. That puts you at the table with a whole different role than when you were just asking for resources. That’s a big shift.”

Sandra’s commitment to giving back and making a difference in her communities speaks for itself:

• Board of Overseers, New England Baptist Hospital 1995 – Present
• Board of Overseers, WGBH 2005 – Present
• Board of Trustees, Reach Beyond Domestic Violence (REACH) 2006 – Present
• Member, The Boston Club 1994 – Present
• Board of Trustees, YWCA of the ISA National Board 1995 – 2001
• Board of Directors, Boston YWCA, (Past President) 1993 – 1995
• Former Trustee, The Fessenden School 1996 – 2003
• Former Trustee, The Meadowbrook School 1990 – 1995
• Co-Chair, Milton Academy Parents’ Association 1997 – 2000
• Board of Directors, SHELTER, INC. 1987 – 1992
• Co-founder, Sudbury Extended Day 1983
• President, Elmira College Student Association 1973 – 1974

There is a link between leadership and confidence that Sandra sees. “I believe that when there’s an opportunity to add value, you cannot be timid about making changes. You need to assess and understand the situation at hand, but you also need to give signals that you have the capacity to lead. “

Sandra King Speaking at CASE event, Cambridge, MA

Two key components of leadership are fairness and authenticity, in Sandra’s definition. “If you give credit where credit is due and point out in a collaborative way where changes need to be made – and then step out of the way with the faith that people will do the right thing, then you’ve done your job as a leader. Giving people the power sends a huge, positive message,” she says.

“Self confidence is sometimes intimidating to others but it is essential for success and achievement.” Sandra King’s career reflects that boldness and willingness to lead.

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into turbulence.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Today I went to the hospital because the visiting nurse alarmed me to the fact that a small infection formed at the peak corner of my new hip replacement scar. “No time to waste. You never know how fast an infection can travel. This requires urgent care.” She made a succession of anxiety riddled phone calls to my orthopedic surgeon, the surgeons’ two assistants, the on-call resident and finally my primary care physician. She was determined to resolve the infection in question swiftly.

At first, I felt safe with her determination to find an immediate solution to the problem. Then, as we waited for the return phone calls and she continued to apprise me of the meaning of a spread infection I gradually began to panic. Fortunately, my primary care physician agreed to see me immediately. My husband booked it on his way home from work and then off to the office we went.

“This is indeed an infection.” I was told. “But, not the sort that people with a hip replacement fear. See your surgeon first thing in the morning which he has already agreed to and we will sort this out. Another night of some pain, but nothing scary.” I remembered to breathe again and slowly began to feel contained within my own skin.

The next morning my daughter, my beautiful and compassionate day nurse for the next week or two, drove me to my appointment with the surgeon. He reigns over the orthopedic department at one of Boston’s finest hospitals, and was the mastermind behind the delicate placement of the titanium hip into the depths of my body.

At the information desk, I was told to take the elevator one flight down and go straight down the corridor to his office. My daughter drops me off because the valet parking is temporarily full. “I can manage getting to the doctor’s office,” I told Amy.  “Just meet me after you’ve given the car to the valet.”

Hobbling inside with my chrome walker, I felt confident that I could get myself to my doctor’s office without any difficulty. I blew a kiss and one step at a time, off I went. No problem getting to the elevator; a few steps more than anticipated, but I felt strong and able. The elevator doors opened, I got out and there it was “ambulatory care.”

The only problem was that to get to the actual floor where I would find my doctor’s office, I needed to descend about fifteen steep steps and no walker was getting down these steps. I asked a physician getting off the next elevator run, “How do I get to ambulatory care?” He looked at me quizzically and said, “It’s right down these steps.” As he we dashing off I said, “But I have this walker.” I stood in amazement.

Then I summoned the courage to let out a loud “excuse me…” and got the attention of a staff member down that long flight of stairs. “How do I get down?” He said, “It’s easy. Go back on the elevator to the second floor. Go down and across the corridor and take the south elevator to this floor. It’s over there.” He pointed at the place I should end up once I followed all of his other instructions.

I thanked him and in a moment of weakness, regression and self-pity I felt the warm tears streaming down my face. It just felt like there was too much to do when I could hardly walk even with the aid of the walker.

Within a minute or two I regained my composure and reminded myself that I could do this and besides, Amy would be there to laugh and cry about the injustice of those ill-placed steps and the insensitive doctor who couldn’t help a person with a walker. That is just what happened.

My doctor prescribed antibiotics and mitigated my fears imposed by the visiting nurse. After a grim 24 hours, my sense of hope and optimism again returned.

When have you felt helpless?

While taking one of my favorite bikram yoga classes, my teacher came along and slowly nudged me into a deeper position. Ordinarily I like to move at my own pace and I don’t allow anyone to move my body into position. I know my body better than anyone and I figure it’s been serving me well all these years, so I generally choose to go at my own speed.

This one evening I dragged myself to class after sitting for hours in my office. The instructor made her way around the room. “Breathe” she said, “I think you can go deeper still.” I took slow measured breaths and on the exhalation, tried letting go. She placed her hands gently on my back and hips and told me I could still go deeper.

Against my better judgment I breathed deeply again giving in to her now firm pressure on my back and hip. Suddenly my body rebelled and simply could go no further. My breathing strained. I could barely speak and yet the pressure of her hands against my body continued. The words did not come. I groaned and prayed for the release, which finally came. Since that defining moment, my life forevermore changed.

Limping out of the class I convinced myself that ice and rest would heal this unfamiliar pain: ice, heat, physical therapy, acupuncture, swimming. Nothing helped avert the aching sensation. Several months later it became apparent that surgical intervention was needed. The first surgery was minimally invasive and while it was deemed a success, I still could not walk without pain and a severe limp. All the while the degeneration in my hip continued. The cascade of events from the firm pressure in my yoga class to the rapid deterioration of my hip joint became a ghoulish nightmare that could not be exorcised.

Several weeks ago, I underwent a total left hip replacement and am now in the throes of managing the pain from this drastic intervention and learning how to walk again. Many lessons have been learned, some too dark to put into words just yet. But for now I can share that feeling out of control with my own body leaves me breathless and terrified. Relying on others to take care of my most intimate needs made me feel hopeless and helpless at times.

Fortunately, I spent my life understanding the mind/body connection and had at my disposal an armory of tools and strategies to help me through the darkest and most humiliating moments. I made myself practice what I preach and meditated, routinely said my affirmations and most importantly, surrounded myself with loving and supportive friends and family whenever possible.

People tell me I will be ‘bionic’ when the recovery is complete. I see myself as having dramatically raised my consciousness about the experience of pain, the limitations in the real world imposed on the disabled, and the humbling reality at needing to be cared for by others. For years I had the good fortune of feeling strong and healthy and think I will again soon, but one thing I know for sure is no one is exempt. And no one is bionic.

When have you had to overcome adversity? Did you have to rely on others to succeed? If so, how did that make you feel?

Ten years ago if anyone had asked Nancy Bergstein what her world would be like once both of her daughters had left for college, she probably could not have imagined the satisfying, vibrant and full life she leads today. Between working, volunteering, caring for her elderly mother and nurturing her daughters and husband, Nancy has also found a way to turn challenges into successes and incorporate her artistic interests into her life.

The past couple of years have been a watershed time for Nancy’s family – her children went off to college, her mother moved into her home, her husband’s parents were ailing and job securities changed. Nancy has graciously faced what many of her peers are dealing with: being the sandwich generation.

Children making fruit kabobs in an It's Cooking! class

In addition, Nancy runs her own businesses – one teaching children theatre, cooking and photography and another designing “life story books.” Her “life story books” are another source of inspiration and an outlet for Nancy’s creativity. By helping others to synthesize their lives and photographs, Nancy garners a great feeling of accomplishment by creating books that tell their life stories. If all of that were not fulfilling enough, Nancy continues to direct many theatrical productions in the Sudbury and Wayland communities.

Nancy’s Parents Inspire Her Love of the Arts

Nancy with her parents and brother

Nancy’s parents Irene and Leon were very much in love, but were separated two days after they married because of wartime demands. Irene moved back into her parent’s home, longing to be with Leon and be the newlywed she was supposed to be. She spent two years waiting for her husband’s return. Finally he was back, they settled down outside of Boston and shortly thereafter Irene gave birth to Robert, then Nancy.

Nancy’s parents remained deeply in love throughout their years together. They shared a passion for music and theater. Irene was a fabulous artist and created a treasure trove of painted objects, a talent Nancy would also inherit. She says her “father’s lighthearted spirit made any room sparkle. He always had a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Dad was the inspiration behind my love of music and mom inspired my love of theater and art.” Nancy wasn’t encouraged to choose any of them professionally, nonetheless she found ways throughout the years to “bring joy to myself through creativity.”

Although Nancy received her bachelor’s degree in teaching and then her Masters degree in Health Education and Nutrition, her heart was always tugged in the direction of the arts. After several years of teaching in Duxbury, feeling isolated, Nancy left her job to pursue work in Boston. Taking that risk would prove to be one of life’s turning points for it was there that Nancy met her husband, Alan, who reminded her a lot of her father. After marrying and giving birth to two girls 17 months apart, Nancy wanted to restructure her priorities.

A Growing Family and Creative Pursuits

Nancy and her family

Like many parents, Nancy hoped her girls would have all she herself had wished for growing up and more. She left her job in Boston to become a stay-at-home mom so she could devote herself to raising Laura and Julie. “I felt that helping my children find their way in life was one of the most important jobs I could do. I wanted to help them to know themselves well, to take pleasure in their relationships with friends and family, and very importantly, to be grounded so they could get through life’s ups and downs.” Nancy also encouraged her daughters to cultivate their passions while thinking realistically about their futures and what paths could be fulfilling for them.

Anything Goes poster, Curtis Middle School

“During that time, I stayed very involved in our schools and community. Being a teacher allows one to inspire and hopefully make a difference in a child’s future,” Nancy says. Nancy was eventually hired as the Musical Theatre Director of Sudbury’s middle school. She oversaw several successful productions, including Bye Bye Birdie, Guys and Dolls, and Anything Goes. Parents in the community still stop her to talk about the rewards that both the students and community reaped from those experiences.

Program cover from Temple Shir Tikva production

Nancy helmed several productions at her local synagogue as well. During the ten years that she directed shows, the cast, crew and number of musicians under her direction grew, as did the audience size. Nancy’s theatrical endeavors earned her a glowing reputation and brought the temple and community to life. She inspired people to become involved, excited, develop new friendships and to have fun. “I was fortunate in both venues to develop and share in the community spirit, to collaborate with talented, wonderful people, with whom to this day I share friendships. I couldn’t have done those shows without them.”

Becoming a Caregiver

Life became more challenging as the years went on. Nancy suddenly found herself caring for her ailing mother, who moved into her family’s home and has been there for more than two years. “Even though I wasn’t close with my mother when I was younger, taking into account all the factors, living with us seemed the appropriate choice at the time.” Nancy felt it would be better for her mother to be with her family at the end of her life than alone in a facility. Little did Nancy know that this decision would be another major turning point in her life. During this time her children left for college, her husband was out of work and then later began working out of state, and they lost both of his parents within several weeks of each other.

Nancy rose to the occasion by taking care of her mother whose health was deteriorating. She mourned the loss of Alan’s parents, adjusted to their children being away and continued to build and create her own businesses. She juggled all of this without bitterness or self-pity. Her resolve and resilience made it all seem easy and she served as a role model for her daughters and her friends. Nancy concentrated on positive things, grateful to have her beautiful family, wonderful friends and good health.

Nancy with her daughters and mother

Nancy really had no idea what it would be like being an elderly person’s primary caregiver or how long she would be in that position. Although Nancy admits the past couple of years have been stressful, “like most difficult events in life, there have been many valuable lessons to learn. I certainly hadn’t envisioned that at 60-years-old I’d be living at home quietly with my husband and children away often, and me with my 90-year-old mother and a dog!

“Life is ten percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we handle it. Old age can be hard for some people. Watching it first hand on a daily basis has commanded more of me than I probably knew I could handle: the end of life psychology, defining different ailments, learning about medicines, talks of death and personal wishes, managing both the at-home and outside care, how insurances work, how various facilities work (i.e. hospice, rehab, nursing homes and hospitals) and the good and not-so-good doctors. I’ve learned about medical errors, patient rights, shopping for essentials, administering medications, some unpleasant cleaning tasks and educating my family to all of this, and on and on and on. In the past six months alone we’ve journeyed to the hospital five times, hospice twice, rehab twice and have been in and out of our home as well. As her caregiver, I felt sad, too, for all she’s been through and is still going through. I had to learn, however, to rise above caring for my mother and maintain my own happiness, probably one of the hardest but most important lessons a caregiver has to learn,” Nancy explains. She is quick to say that she knows she is not alone in facing these challenges, as many of her peers are in the same situation.

Caring for Herself While Caring for Others

Nancy acknowledges that most people do not know what it is like to be a daily caregiver. “I couldn’t possibly explain the roller coaster ride I’ve been on. Learning to support caregivers of the world is of the utmost importance because they are in a very draining situation, with many emotions running wild. Added to their job description, if it is a child/parent relationship, there can be many past, complicated emotions brought to the surface while dealing with current ones, such as anger, frustration, sadness and guilt.” In addition to processing all of the unforeseen emotions that have come along with caring for her mother, Nancy has become much more aware of the plight of the elderly in America. She feels there is much work and “new thinking our country needs to do regarding the elderly who are unfortunate enough to have lengthy, uncomfortable endings.”

Photography by Nancy Bergstein

By staying connected to friends and family, pursuing her own creative projects like photography and watching her own health, Nancy has been able to maintain a sense of balance throughout this challenging time. She also feels grateful just for the ‘extra’ time she has had with her mother. “Time,” she says, “that we might not have had otherwise to be at peace with each other. Perhaps having difficult times helped me to see the positives more clearly. I’ve gained a new kind of inner strength including how to be more giving, understanding, patient and selfless. I’m a bit mellower being humbled by seeing what life can bring. I have a new empathy for the elderly and for what their lives may be like. I know that having gotten this far, I will continue to face challenges head on.”

By realizing that she’s not alone in caring for two generations – older and younger – Nancy hopes that others will feel less alone as well. “No one is immune to hardships and the “busy-ness” of life. My story isn’t unusual but if one person feels more supported by reading it, I will feel good sharing some of the story of our family’s journey.”

If Nancy has learned anything it’s that “most things that happen during the day are small stuff not to be sweated. The bigger things that cause much personal pain require much inner strength to push through them and that capability lies within us. Our personal happiness comes from our inner selves and the people (and dogs!) we surround ourselves with.”

Her philosophy for life going forward is to try to live in the spirit of ‘Yes!’

Did you know that April has been designated as National Stress Awareness Month? Most Americans feel stress in their everyday lives but do not pay much attention to its consequences. The impact plays havoc with our minds, bodies, relationships and overall health and well-being.

Health care professionals across the country annually come together to increase public awareness about the symptoms, causes and cures for our modern stress epidemic. The Health Resource Network (HRN) sponsors this national, cooperative effort to inform people about the dangers of stress and the strategies for developing greater resilience.

Some symptoms of stress:

• Anxiety
• Knot in the throat
• Stomach cramps
• Headaches
• Compulsive eating
• Irritability
• Anger
• Increased smoking or drinking
• Social withdrawal

Stress is a guarantee in our lives. Your reaction to stress is what makes the difference between health and disease. Training your brain and body to react to disappointment, loss and frustration in a resilient way creates a more balanced and happier existence.

Resilience is the ability to self-nurture, self-soothe, self-regulate. For some this ability comes naturally. The rest of us need to cultivate the skill of resiliency.

Some of the most potent ways to manage stress more effectively include:

• Abdominal breathing
• Meditation
• Self-hypnosis
• Getting together with supportive friends and family
• Exercise and healthy diet

The resilient person learns how to tolerate difficult emotions and reframes situations in a positive perspective. For example, “Since I lost my job during a difficult economy, this is my opportunity to work for myself which has always been my dream.” Or “Getting divorced and splitting up my family tears me apart, but this is my opportunity to find a loving relationship and get more of my needs met.”

For less daunting situations, resilience means while stuck in traffic, rather than getting agitated, deciding to listen to music, listen to books on tape, or just go with the flow and take the time to breathe deeply. These are all choices you make throughout your daily existence.

I challenge you to raise your stress awareness and bring more balance, happiness and peace of mind into your world this month.

What will you choose to do this month to lower your stress?

A daily gratitude journal can enable you to be more optimistic, happy, creative and healthy.

Our days rarely go according to plan or without unexpected challenges. The ability to appreciate what works well is a special gift that some of us have. Others need to cultivate a sense of appreciation, as it is a vital way of powerfully transforming our lives.

Keeping a gratitude journal lets us assess those aspects of our lives for which we feel grateful. This practice “fires up” our brain to be more appreciative. Rather than focusing on the disappointments and setbacks that we invariably experience, we train our minds to tease out the sweetness of our days.

Perhaps this means lunch with a dear friend, a walk with your beloved dog, a yummy cup of coffee, or a great yoga class. These can be the moments that we learn to savor, rather than dwelling on the stuff that brings us down.

Choosing to be grateful in a deliberate and systematic way, by keeping a journal, helps to quiet down the negativity and build a more positive perspective. The shift in what we choose to focus on can make a profound difference in the moment–to-moment experience of our lives.

Instructions for keeping a gratitude journal:

• Choose a notebook that you can keep by your bedside at night and use exclusively for your gratitude writing. Find another place to keep notes during the day such as your phone, a small notebook or laptop. It is best to write things down when they come to mind, if possible. Most of us are not trained to tease out the lovely moments of our day, until we get some appreciation training!
• Try to write 3-5 events in your journal each night, so that you go to bed remembering the positive aspects of the day. The mind is most receptive to ideas and memories when we are in a relaxed state. Don’t be surprised if this practice stokes your creativity engine. You might also notice yourself  sleeping more deeply and having better dreams.
• Aim to write consistently in your gratitude journal. Developing this good habit will lift your spirits and will have lasting benefits such as emotional resilience, greater self-esteem, more fulfilling relationships an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Just keep writing and adding to your journal without judging and assessing. In time the ritual of writing will become more ingrained and pleasurable. Eventually you might find yourself noticing events that otherwise might have been missed or ignored.
• Keep in mind that your experience of gratitude need not only be written in your journal. Showing appreciation and thankfulness to the people in your life also develops greater happiness, optimism and connection. Both the giver and receiver of gratitude receive physical and psychological benefits. They also tend to like each other more as a result of being appreciated!

What do you feel grateful for today?  How can you express your appreciation to someone you love?