My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into madness.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Years ago I conducted workshops and seminars to physicians at the Boston University School of Medicine. The well-attended meetings were about “Who Takes Care of the Physician?” This subject continues to warrant attention, however I’ve come to realize that nurses, aides, home health care providers and our reliable family members, also need to be cared for. They too need tools for their own self-care during these stressful times.

Of course the primary focus is on the sick or post-operative patient, but little attention is paid to the family members that are in the trenches day in and day out with their loved ones. The responsibilities thrust upon the spouses and children can be not only overwhelming, but disorienting and exhausting.

Effects on Family Members

• Fear of the unknown; fear that the family member may never be the same
• Guilt over whether there might have been something you could have done to prevent your family member’s diagnosis
• Helplessness; feeling that there is nothing you can do to really make a difference
• Anxiety over whether the recovery will be sound and complete as possible
• Depression over family member’s inability to live their life the way she used to before the diagnosis
• Frustration about one’s own sleep deprivation, lack of control of one’s own time, and the litany of demands needed on the part of the patient – and shame with feeling the need to take care of the self when needed by the impaired loved one

Ways For Family Members to Manage Successfully while Care Taking:

• Know that recovery involves a partnership of the patient and caretaker.
• Share your feelings of frustration with a friend, loved one or, if appropriate, the person you are caring for.
• Share your positive feelings too as in reminding the patient that you love them and are willing to do all that you can to help them.
• Get an education. This will help you be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. It will also prepare you for any physical or psychological changes your family member may have to endure.
• If you are not the primary caretaker make your visits short, positive and upbeat.
• Keeping in touch with friends and other family members enables you to get the morale and emotional support needed.
• Make time for yourself. Build in the coverage you need so that you can take breaks when needed to rejuvenate and care for your own physical and psychological needs. Lose the guilt.  The timeout will make you a more effective and loving caretaker.

When have you had to be a caretaker? What psychological impact did the role have on you?

Ten years ago if anyone had asked Nancy Bergstein what her world would be like once both of her daughters had left for college, she probably could not have imagined the satisfying, vibrant and full life she leads today. Between working, volunteering, caring for her elderly mother and nurturing her daughters and husband, Nancy has also found a way to turn challenges into successes and incorporate her artistic interests into her life.

The past couple of years have been a watershed time for Nancy’s family – her children went off to college, her mother moved into her home, her husband’s parents were ailing and job securities changed. Nancy has graciously faced what many of her peers are dealing with: being the sandwich generation.

Children making fruit kabobs in an It's Cooking! class

In addition, Nancy runs her own businesses – one teaching children theatre, cooking and photography and another designing “life story books.” Her “life story books” are another source of inspiration and an outlet for Nancy’s creativity. By helping others to synthesize their lives and photographs, Nancy garners a great feeling of accomplishment by creating books that tell their life stories. If all of that were not fulfilling enough, Nancy continues to direct many theatrical productions in the Sudbury and Wayland communities.

Nancy’s Parents Inspire Her Love of the Arts

Nancy with her parents and brother

Nancy’s parents Irene and Leon were very much in love, but were separated two days after they married because of wartime demands. Irene moved back into her parent’s home, longing to be with Leon and be the newlywed she was supposed to be. She spent two years waiting for her husband’s return. Finally he was back, they settled down outside of Boston and shortly thereafter Irene gave birth to Robert, then Nancy.

Nancy’s parents remained deeply in love throughout their years together. They shared a passion for music and theater. Irene was a fabulous artist and created a treasure trove of painted objects, a talent Nancy would also inherit. She says her “father’s lighthearted spirit made any room sparkle. He always had a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Dad was the inspiration behind my love of music and mom inspired my love of theater and art.” Nancy wasn’t encouraged to choose any of them professionally, nonetheless she found ways throughout the years to “bring joy to myself through creativity.”

Although Nancy received her bachelor’s degree in teaching and then her Masters degree in Health Education and Nutrition, her heart was always tugged in the direction of the arts. After several years of teaching in Duxbury, feeling isolated, Nancy left her job to pursue work in Boston. Taking that risk would prove to be one of life’s turning points for it was there that Nancy met her husband, Alan, who reminded her a lot of her father. After marrying and giving birth to two girls 17 months apart, Nancy wanted to restructure her priorities.

A Growing Family and Creative Pursuits

Nancy and her family

Like many parents, Nancy hoped her girls would have all she herself had wished for growing up and more. She left her job in Boston to become a stay-at-home mom so she could devote herself to raising Laura and Julie. “I felt that helping my children find their way in life was one of the most important jobs I could do. I wanted to help them to know themselves well, to take pleasure in their relationships with friends and family, and very importantly, to be grounded so they could get through life’s ups and downs.” Nancy also encouraged her daughters to cultivate their passions while thinking realistically about their futures and what paths could be fulfilling for them.

Anything Goes poster, Curtis Middle School

“During that time, I stayed very involved in our schools and community. Being a teacher allows one to inspire and hopefully make a difference in a child’s future,” Nancy says. Nancy was eventually hired as the Musical Theatre Director of Sudbury’s middle school. She oversaw several successful productions, including Bye Bye Birdie, Guys and Dolls, and Anything Goes. Parents in the community still stop her to talk about the rewards that both the students and community reaped from those experiences.

Program cover from Temple Shir Tikva production

Nancy helmed several productions at her local synagogue as well. During the ten years that she directed shows, the cast, crew and number of musicians under her direction grew, as did the audience size. Nancy’s theatrical endeavors earned her a glowing reputation and brought the temple and community to life. She inspired people to become involved, excited, develop new friendships and to have fun. “I was fortunate in both venues to develop and share in the community spirit, to collaborate with talented, wonderful people, with whom to this day I share friendships. I couldn’t have done those shows without them.”

Becoming a Caregiver

Life became more challenging as the years went on. Nancy suddenly found herself caring for her ailing mother, who moved into her family’s home and has been there for more than two years. “Even though I wasn’t close with my mother when I was younger, taking into account all the factors, living with us seemed the appropriate choice at the time.” Nancy felt it would be better for her mother to be with her family at the end of her life than alone in a facility. Little did Nancy know that this decision would be another major turning point in her life. During this time her children left for college, her husband was out of work and then later began working out of state, and they lost both of his parents within several weeks of each other.

Nancy rose to the occasion by taking care of her mother whose health was deteriorating. She mourned the loss of Alan’s parents, adjusted to their children being away and continued to build and create her own businesses. She juggled all of this without bitterness or self-pity. Her resolve and resilience made it all seem easy and she served as a role model for her daughters and her friends. Nancy concentrated on positive things, grateful to have her beautiful family, wonderful friends and good health.

Nancy with her daughters and mother

Nancy really had no idea what it would be like being an elderly person’s primary caregiver or how long she would be in that position. Although Nancy admits the past couple of years have been stressful, “like most difficult events in life, there have been many valuable lessons to learn. I certainly hadn’t envisioned that at 60-years-old I’d be living at home quietly with my husband and children away often, and me with my 90-year-old mother and a dog!

“Life is ten percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we handle it. Old age can be hard for some people. Watching it first hand on a daily basis has commanded more of me than I probably knew I could handle: the end of life psychology, defining different ailments, learning about medicines, talks of death and personal wishes, managing both the at-home and outside care, how insurances work, how various facilities work (i.e. hospice, rehab, nursing homes and hospitals) and the good and not-so-good doctors. I’ve learned about medical errors, patient rights, shopping for essentials, administering medications, some unpleasant cleaning tasks and educating my family to all of this, and on and on and on. In the past six months alone we’ve journeyed to the hospital five times, hospice twice, rehab twice and have been in and out of our home as well. As her caregiver, I felt sad, too, for all she’s been through and is still going through. I had to learn, however, to rise above caring for my mother and maintain my own happiness, probably one of the hardest but most important lessons a caregiver has to learn,” Nancy explains. She is quick to say that she knows she is not alone in facing these challenges, as many of her peers are in the same situation.

Caring for Herself While Caring for Others

Nancy acknowledges that most people do not know what it is like to be a daily caregiver. “I couldn’t possibly explain the roller coaster ride I’ve been on. Learning to support caregivers of the world is of the utmost importance because they are in a very draining situation, with many emotions running wild. Added to their job description, if it is a child/parent relationship, there can be many past, complicated emotions brought to the surface while dealing with current ones, such as anger, frustration, sadness and guilt.” In addition to processing all of the unforeseen emotions that have come along with caring for her mother, Nancy has become much more aware of the plight of the elderly in America. She feels there is much work and “new thinking our country needs to do regarding the elderly who are unfortunate enough to have lengthy, uncomfortable endings.”

Photography by Nancy Bergstein

By staying connected to friends and family, pursuing her own creative projects like photography and watching her own health, Nancy has been able to maintain a sense of balance throughout this challenging time. She also feels grateful just for the ‘extra’ time she has had with her mother. “Time,” she says, “that we might not have had otherwise to be at peace with each other. Perhaps having difficult times helped me to see the positives more clearly. I’ve gained a new kind of inner strength including how to be more giving, understanding, patient and selfless. I’m a bit mellower being humbled by seeing what life can bring. I have a new empathy for the elderly and for what their lives may be like. I know that having gotten this far, I will continue to face challenges head on.”

By realizing that she’s not alone in caring for two generations – older and younger – Nancy hopes that others will feel less alone as well. “No one is immune to hardships and the “busy-ness” of life. My story isn’t unusual but if one person feels more supported by reading it, I will feel good sharing some of the story of our family’s journey.”

If Nancy has learned anything it’s that “most things that happen during the day are small stuff not to be sweated. The bigger things that cause much personal pain require much inner strength to push through them and that capability lies within us. Our personal happiness comes from our inner selves and the people (and dogs!) we surround ourselves with.”

Her philosophy for life going forward is to try to live in the spirit of ‘Yes!’

Physical activity has always been a saving grace for me. As a teenager I loved swimming in the summers and running along the beach with my dog whenever I could.

One day while meandering through the Brooklyn College bookstore I discovered a book on the practice of yoga. As I read that book, gleaning various breathing techniques and dynamic postures, something clicked. I learned to stretch and move through space while deepening my breath and gradually becoming more skilled at slowing down.

Growing up in NYC I knew that I needed to acquire some tools in harnessing my energy and exercising in a purposeful way. My yoga practice seemed to bridge the gap between exercise and mindfulness.

Over time, I alternated brisk walking with the occasional run. My body, in time, rebelled against anything but modest running but I remained faithful to walking. During the kinder New England weather I continue to swim and bike. Even when I skip days or occasionally weeks, I always manage my way back to exercising. I am grateful for having incorporated these physical activities into my life, as they have always served me well psychologically and physically.

The dilemma for me is not how do I motivate myself to work out, but rather what to do to boost my spirits if I cannot break a sweat and feel the multitude of benefits that I derive from movement.

Facing an injury has an emotional impact

Recently I suffered an injury for which I ended up needing surgery. Several months have elapsed since I have been able to do my usual routine, which I’ve come to rely upon for stabilizing my moods, energy, concentration and, dare I say, sense of self. Physical exercise puts so many things into perspective for me, that it is hard to identify all the ways I have recently been blindsided due to my lack of activity.

The question is what does one do, when there is an injury, surgery or disability and when one cannot resort to the powerful benefits of this elixir.

“No exercise,” the doctor ordered. This did not completely sink in until after the surgery. “We’ll see how things go in a few weeks.” My heart sank. At first I thought I’d just stay in bed, write when possible, and in a week I would get back to my routine. Toughing out the depravation of those “feel good chemicals” (serotonin, dopamine and epinephrine) through lack of exercise wouldn’t be that challenging. I quickly learned that the healing process would take longer than anticipated and that I needed help.

7 important lessons for feeling good when you’re unable to exercise.

1. When you are injured and/or bedridden, ask friends for help, especially from the ones that make you laugh and feel good. Laughter and good energy from friends releases those feel good chemicals.
2. Allow your wonderful friends and neighbors to help with meals. I don’t like to ask for help, but I’ve learned it vastly beats the alternative. When you ask you not only get the help needed, but it is generally fun. The giver and the receiver both benefit.
3. Remind yourself to say and repeat affirmations, because whatever you are going through will improve and you will feel better with a positive mental attitude.
4. Watch movies that make you feel good and laugh. Laughter also boosts your immune system and will help you to heal faster.
5. Write in a gratitude journal all the things in your day that you appreciate. This will keep you out of the darker place of feeling sorry for yourself, especially while you can’t work out, blow off steam and are dependent on others.
6. Several minutes of meditation 1-2x day will help you to relax and put things into perspective. Sometimes an injury and being laid up give you the opportunity to rethink priorities.
7. Allow your body to relax, rest and sleep. You’ll heal faster and feel more charged when the time is right for a gradual transition back into physical activity. In other words, do everything you can to honor your body, mind, spirit and friendships during the healing process.

What do you do to manage most successfully during those times when you can not exercise?

Jennifer transforms feelings of loneliness into an opportunity for greater self-care and connection with women friends. She didn’t even realize the depth of her isolation and depression until we started talking about her typical daily routine.

A forty–one year old mother of two pre-teen girls, Jennifer is more of a planner and caretaker than the warm and fuzzy sort. Jennifer dutifully takes her daughters to school, music and skating lessons and assorted play dates. She routinely does the laundry, grocery shopping and prepares the family meals. Jennifer take her job as homemaker seriously and carefully analyzes the best ways of handling her multitude of responsibilities.

She came to see me because she “…felt lonely, bored and often sad.” Jennifer knew that everything she did revolved around the needs of her family. She admitted that she did very little to take care of herself. When we first met I observed that her clothes were wrinkled and mismatched. Tousled hair hid much of her face. She slouched on the couch and spoke in soft, terse sentences while fighting back tears.

Not used to talking about her feelings or herself, Jennifer encouraged me to ask her questions. My first inquiry was about her friends. “Who do you spend time with?” I asked. Jennifer looked perplexed and told me she had no time for friends. The only person she opened up to was her cousin Julie who lived in Philadelphia, six hours away. They usually spoke about once a week, but lately they were connecting less because of Julie’s new job.

“Is there anyone else you talk to locally?”

Jennifer began to cry. She confessed to being an introvert. Her husband was the social one in her family and essentially he interfered with her chances of getting to know anyone. “He is the life of the party and always takes over. I feel like there is no one drawn to me. Why would they be? He’s so appealing and I can hardly find the words to say what I’m thinking or feeling. I always feel so vulnerable and irrelevant.”

I wanted to know more about Jennifer but I thought the first order of business was for us to establish a bond. Then I needed to leave her with tools that she could implement right away.

We discussed the skill of walking meditation which combines abdominal breathing with slow, mindful walking. Jennifer lived near some conservation land where she could practice the walking meditation. I thought this practice would help her to be more in the present moment, add some movement into her life and get her away from the usual household and shopping routine. In high school she had been a cross country runner, but felt like she no longer had the time to indulge in running or working out. The walks were meant to be reflective, but also to ignite the pleasure center associated with outdoor activity.

The following weeks, as our connection grew stronger, Jennifer continued to talk about her life. She noticed that she felt less depressed but the loneliness still felt pervasive. Jennifer did not want to talk about the relationship with her husband just yet. She felt that she was better off not exploring their marriage, especially since she was not willing to leave him and did not want to dredge up her complicated feelings about him.

Instead, we spoke again about her friendships. Nothing much had changed in that realm. Jennifer and I discussed the ways in which her life would improve if she invited more women friends into her life. Her shyness ran interference with her ability to connect, so we needed to explore ways of overcoming her lack of confidence. I suggested she commit to making a phone call a day to the women she knew from the various car pools or the women friends she knew through the couples her husband befriended. Jennifer reluctantly agreed.

The following week I encouraged Jennifer to begin keeping a gratitude journal of 3-5 positive experiences she had daily. A good cup of coffee, a conversation with a friend, a nap, or anything she liked, regardless of how minor, could be counted. This practice developed Jennifer’s sense of appreciation for everyday pleasures. She was on board for the gratitude journal.

Several weeks later, Jennifer shared that for the first time in years her sense of isolation was lifting. She met a neighbor while out walking and they decided to join ranks and walk. Over the course of the next couple of months they began walking and talking several times weekly. Jennifer also walked on alternate days with another woman she knew through carpooling.

Jennifer felt a greater sense of connection with women friends. She was taking better care of herself physically and psychologically. Her children and husband noticed the positive changes. Everything else seemed more manageable as Jennifer gained a greater sense of balance and happiness in her life.

What do you do to stay connected with others and care for yourself?

Bright, articulate and beautiful, Lissa Coffey embodies her favorite quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” Lissa exudes enthusiasm about relationships, her career and making a difference in the lives of others. In her most recent book, Closure, she exhibits a keen understanding of the power of relationships.

Like many women, Lissa’s personal and professional lives evolved over the years to include multiple roles: daughter, sister, model, songwriter, wife, mother, author, television reporter, actress, producer, Big Sister and coach/lifestyle designer.

It wasn’t until the premature death of her sister’s husband, one of Lissa’s closest friends, that she came to “understand the law of relationship and how we can use this to keep loss in perspective.” This experience was the inspiration behind her most recent book Closure.

Lissa realized that she had unresolved feelings from the amicable divorce she had gone through a few years earlier. Although happily re-married, Lissa wisely chose to explore her unsettled feelings. “I felt it was really weird because I thought [the divorce] was all processed. I realized that the grieving process is different from the closure process. [My sister and I] were going through similar issues. It took me a couple of years to come up with the ideas in the book and practice it myself,” Lissa explained.

Closure combines research and advice from a variety of expert sources, describing the five stages of closure with practical step-by-step exercises and affirmations to understand endings as new beginnings in an empowered way. “Relationships don’t end, they change. We remain connected to the people in our lives through our memories and shared experiences. Coming to terms with the changes in our relationships is what will bring us closure,” writes Lissa.

Family Life in California

Going back to the primary relationships and experiences in her life, Lissa shared some of the bittersweet details of her childhood. Raised in Palo Alto, California, Lissa had a younger brother and sister. “My parents were divorced when I was ten years old. My dad and brother moved away. I had braces, glasses, allergies, and terribly low self-esteem! I started working when I was 16 years old,” Lissa recalled. “Moving as a child from the family home to a much smaller home with a now-single working mother, I took on lots of responsibilities as a young kid.” After graduating from Henry M. Gunn High School, Lissa attended UCLA, graduating with a degree in sociology in three years. She then began her career at ABC Entertainment and married at 22.

Lisa Coffey with her sons as babies

Soon after, Lissa had two sons and planned to be a stay-at-home mom. While raising her sons, Lissa’s creative energy flowed, resulting in the writing and producing of numerous children’s musical recordings and videos. She eventually founded Bright Ideas Production. “I started an independent record label and was competing against big names like Disney, yet still managed to get airtime on Nickelodeon, The Learning Channel and Discovery Kids. Without any track record, I produced the Karate for Kids home video (now on DVD),” Lissa says. All of this happened while dealing with an ADHD diagnosis for her firstborn son, at a time when “the world was just learning about this condition.”

Lissa and Curt hosting a radio show at Disneyland

The experience with her son’s ADHD led her to research alternative treatments. Lissa had met Louise Taylor years back when she was pregnant with her son and dealing with morning sickness. In 1997 Lissa suggested that they co-author a book, “The Healthy Family Handbook” based on her research on alternative treatments for ADHD. Around this time, Lissa discovered that she, too, had ADHD.

Enthusiastically Embracing Opportunities

In 1994, Lissa became an anchor and reporter at a local television station in southern California. Her work exposed her to many fascinating people and new ideas. Lissa thrived on these opportunities. In 1998, after Lissa met Deepak Chopra, she became immersed in learning meditation, hypnotherapy and Ayurveda. In 2000, she traveled to India along with her sons to experience these alternative practices firsthand.

Lissa and her son in India in 2000

Through her study of Ayurveda, Lissa better understood her intrinsic nature and those around her. After unsuccessfully looking for books on Ayurveda and relationships, Lissa researched and wrote her own book called, “What’s Your Dosha, Baby?” Her book and website are about discovering your dominant dosha and as a result, creating better relationships and a more balanced life.

The author of five books, Lissa runs several websites, including Coffey Talk, writes blogs and newsletters on a range of topics such as health and wellness, family, relationships, home environments and book marketing. Lissa is a member of the Screen Actor’s Guild and has appeared on the Today Show. She writes for The Huffington Post as well.

“I’m lucky because I’ve been able to merge all of my interests and passions into a career. I’ve always been very interested in ancient wisdom, all things spiritual. I love music, art, culture, and style. I am passionate about philanthropy, and helping people. I love to write. I love to communicate. When I was young I used to watch The Mary Tyler Moore Show and that’s how I decided I wanted a career in television – now I’m making my own TV shows!” Lissa enthusiastically declares.

Relationships at the Core

Beyond her work, her family life is most important. “Personally, my biggest accomplishment is raising two sons. I’m really proud of my boys because they have great values – they help people, they have big hearts.” After her sons left home, Lissa felt she still had a lot of love to give and brought a new dimension into her life.

In 2009 Lissa became a Big Sister to a 16-year-old girl. “Recently, I’ve been able to contribute to society in a new way which brings me a deep sense of fulfillment,” Lissa says. “I found my dharma which is my purpose in life, doing what I love and helping other people. Life is all about relationships. We’re all connected and we’re here to help each other grow.”

Lissa and Greg Coffey at their wedding in 2001

Lissa credits the study of Ayurveda for helping her better understand herself and her relationships with others. No coincidence then that Lissa re-married in 2001, successfully blending their two families. Her husband, Greg, is Australian with three grown children from a previous marriage.

Lissa believes the 5,000-year-old science of Ayurveda can help any marriage. Understanding our partner’s nature and our own nature is the basis for a healthy relationship according to Lissa. “It’s about loving what you have. The example I give is the tiger. The tiger is a beautiful animal with a lot of strengths. If you married a tiger, you wouldn’t ask [him], ‘why don’t you start acting like a swan?’ Do your best to bring out the strengths in your partner. Love and appreciate those qualities. When there are challenges, work on those together within the parameters of what you have to work with. You can never expect a tiger to act like a swan.”

Lissa Coffey with her mentor Deepak Chopra

According to Deepak Chopra, Lissa’s mentor of many years, “Eastern philosophy teaches us that change is inevitable, and yet suffering is not. …Lissa Coffey shows us how to learn and grow as we move through the evolution of our relationships.”

Loving communication in Ellen’s marriage seemed a thing of the past. Now Ellen stood at the brink of divorce with her husband of eighteen years. She desperately did not want to break up their family, especially because of the implications for their three children. Ellen felt controlled by her husband, Ken, and that his needs invariably came first. He provided well for the family, but the emptiness she felt when with him had become too much to bear.

Ellen ached for someone she could talk to and be intimate with in a loving way.

Conflict and crisis creates an opening in which couples in committed relationships can choose to resolve their long standing issues or they can call it quits. Ellen felt like the children would suffer greatly from the potential break up and encouraged Ken to join her in marital therapy. Not until she threatened to leave did Ken finally agree.

Communication in a committed relationship can be challenging, especially when you throw in the stresses of everyday life. Sometimes learning and incorporating vital communication strategies can help couples navigate through this difficult process.

10 Keys to Improving Communication with Your Partner

1. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listening is one of the most powerful steps you can take to become a better communicator and understand your partner more deeply. Most of us assume we know what the other will say, when we might be way off base. Your partner will feel cared for and less defensive if he/she feels truly heard.
2. Reframe what your partner shares with you to make sure that you understand the message and are not putting your own twist on what you think has been said.
3. Learn to tolerate your strong emotional responses, by practicing some breathing techniques or reminding yourself to stay calm and be in the moment. Learn some ways of relaxing so that you can incorporate those skills when conversations become heated.
4. Be compassionate. Think about the way you are saying things to your partner. Are you speaking in a manner that is respectful and that is likely to encourage communication? Communication is always a two-way street.
5. Bring your authentic self to the dialogue. Couples know when the other is being false and it breaks the communication down quickly.
6. Be flexible in the way you receive information from your partner and be willing to try different ways of doing things.
7. Plan weekly time alone, conversation and intimacy. No pressure to perform, just get in the habit of spending time together without children or electronics interfering. You may need outside support to make this happen.
8. Resolve conflicts fairly. No one wins unless both partners feel like they were treated fairly and got some of what they needed.
9. Forgive the transgressions and mistakes of your partner. The research shows that forgiveness is best for the health and well-being of the person doing the forgiving. Even when a situation cannot be resolved, it is good to forgive so that you can move on.
10. Schedule activities together that are fun and that encourage laughter. Remember what brought you together and build on the strengths of the relationship. It is also good to spend time with other couples that have healthy relationships and learn from their behaviors.

Ellen and Ken decided to do whatever they could to salvage their marriage. It continues to be a work in progress. They have agreed to consciously make the time and practice these communication strategies.

What do you think helps to strengthen a marriage or committed relationship?

Given the recent revelations about the Sandra Bullock and Jesse James scandal and the less recent revelations about Tiger Woods, it is impossible to escape the age-old topic of infidelity.

Sandra Bullock is known as America’s sweetheart. Her story broke on the heals of winning the coveted best actress Oscar award for her performance in The Blind Side. Her glorious win morphed into suffering and grief when the allegations of Jesse’s multiple affairs became known.

Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin

The widely reported stories have stirred compassion and empathy for Sandra Bullock and Elin Noregren Woods while piquing the attention and disgust of ordinary Americans.

Most of us think of Hollywood as the epicenter when it comes to infidelity and compromised values. The truth is however that this behavior happens in our own communities, perhaps even in our own homes, yet on a much quieter scale.

What are some clues that your partner may be having an affair?

Noticing changes of behavior like these can be tip offs that your partner is having or thinking of having an affair:

• renewed interest in sexual activity and experimentation
• extreme secretiveness and defensiveness
• sudden attention to appearance and preening, loss of weight
• intense need for self-gratification

This is a good time to have a serious dialogue with your partner, if that has not already begun. Therapy is a valuable way of intervening.

How to move forward in the face of infidelity?

Infidelity constitutes a breach of the agreed upon rules of an intimate relationship. It undermines the integrity and trust in a relationship. Usually infidelity involves deception about physical intimacy outside of the relationship, but emotional intimacy can also be implicated as a form of betrayal or cheating.

The question that comes up is ‘can the betrayal of infidelity be overcome?’ It doesn’t really make a difference if you are an Oscar winning actress, the wife of the world’s best golfer or the wife of anybody, for that matter. In my experience the suffering felt as a result of a spouse’s betrayal is one of the most emotionally painful experiences a person can endure. Worse yet is when a partner wishes to continue the extramarital affair.

While a partner may eventually be able to forgive this breach in trust, the memory of the betrayal is never forgotten.

The path to reconciliation

The path to reconciliation begins with an authentic apology and display of true remorse. There needs to be a willingness on both sides to work at repairing the damage incurred and at the ongoing communication within the marriage.

It is also important for both partners to examine their own behavior because it is too simplistic to lay all the blame on the one who cheated. There is a dynamic in a marriage or partnership that involves the actions of two people. Both players need to take ownership of their behavior.

That said, there is the stark reality that regardless of what was going on within the relationship, one person chose to step outside of the boundaries and break the trust.

For many there is no going back after the rupture caused by infidelity. There are also many other couple who choose to work through the pain and rebuild their relationships. They examine the experience of infidelity and use it as an opportunity to self-reflect, grow and change behaviors.

The ultimate decision to end the marriage or to go deeper and work on the relationship is an exquisitely personal decision. Therapy, insight and introspection help tremendously, but in the end your gut trumps all.

Sandra Bullock and Elin Noregren are dealing with serial adulterers, men who are “addicted to sex” and cheating. Seems to me that the odds are wildly against their marriages working out, as their men are claiming to have no control over their own behavior. It is tough to change or manage a behavior when you feel powerless over that behavior.

What are your thoughts about whether a marriage can work after infidelity.

Jessica never dreamed she would have to deal with infidelity in her marriage. She married her best friend Richard soon after she turned twenty-three and graduated college with a teaching degree. She dreamed about starting a family, fixing up their new house and becoming involved in the community with other young couples following this path.

Twenty years of marriage later all of her dreams came true. Jessica and Richard’s two sons attended the local high school and their daughter was a freshman at college. Their fixer upper house morphed into a beautiful home where they entertained regularly.

They had a handful of friends whose marriages went by the wayside because of infidelity, but Jessica especially felt immune from this possibility.

When her children were school age she began teaching at the local elementary school, so that her schedule would coincide theirs. Richard, an insurance broker, maintained a more demanding schedule, often coming home late and occasionally needing to travel.

Jessica and Richard maintained the connection within their marriage over the years by building a weekly date night into their schedules and of course kept regular contact when they needed to be apart. Wednesday night became their designated night for intimacy. They emanated happiness and evoked feelings of jealousy in others for their seemingly perfect existence.

Jessica did not notice when things began to change. Over a period of some months she found herself feeling lonely and even isolated, though nothing seemed particularly different. Richard did not seem as engaged as usual or even as appealing as he had been all the years prior.

She thought maybe she felt down because she had a birthday coming up in a couple of months. Jessica reminded herself that she always felt sad around her birthday. It must be that, she surmised.

Two days later Richard came home from work and announced that he needed to talk. That rainy night Jessica put the pieces together. She learned that Richard had been having an affair with his much younger secretary for the past ten months. He professed his love for Jessica, expressed his deep sense of shame and remorse about his actions.

Richard wanted to work on repairing their marriage but admittedly still had feelings for Michelle, his secretary.

Sucker punched, Jessica needed time to think and demanded that Richard leave the house, at least temporarily. She found herself spiraling down into a dark and despairing place and brought her fragile self for her first therapy session ever.

Her immediate question when we met was ‘Can her marriage survive this betrayal?’

What are your thoughts about whether a marriage can withstand infidelity.