Rachel developed gratitude in the face of personal loss. She learned one of the secrets to becoming happier and more optimistic. Rachel changed the way she perceived herself and others by incorporating a greater sense of appreciation into her daily life.

She found herself going to bed each night feeling a sense of loss, anger and loneliness. Rachel recently ended her three-year relationship with her charming and quite handsome live-in boyfriend after discovering through a trusted girlfriend that Richard had been repeatedly unfaithful. Everyone seemed to know but Rachel.

Shame seeped into her everyday experience. Shallow and interrupted sleep left Rachel exhausted each day and was interfering with her work. She became more irritable and less able to focus on her role as a physical therapist.

Talking therapy helped her to understand more about the men she chooses. She began to see the patterns of her behavior. Rachel serially dated men that reminded her of her father, who had a long history of cheating. Her parents bitterly divorced when she was about 13 years old.

Now 33 years old, Rachel finally grasped how she was searching for someone like her father, but with whom she hoped she could have a happier ending. What she discovered was that she needed to broaden her horizons and not be so fast to reject men that did not immediately grab her attention in that old familiar way.

She told me that she often found herself feeling angry and cheated. This attitude ran interference with Rachel’s ability to connect in her relationships with men and women. She experienced little appreciation for the good in her life.

I suggested that she keep a gratitude journal. Rachel already kept a journal where she recorded her feelings and the events of the day. This gratitude journal would be intended only for writing down those events of the day for which she felt grateful. The object was for Rachel to diminish her anger and resentment and develop a greater sense of appreciation.

Gratitude is an integral part of a healthy life and sense of well-being. Rachel was loosing herself in her own negativity. Developing a stronger sense of gratitude is one of the key factors towards creating more happiness in one’s life.

She wrote in her gratitude journal nightly about 3-5 experiences for which she found a positive angle. Over time she found herself feeling more optimistic, happy, open-minded and less resentful. Rachel felt a greater sense of connectedness and wanted to spend more time with friends. She also noticed a qualitative difference in her sleep.

After several months of our conversations and writing in her gratitude journal, Rachel was back to a healthier social life. She felt like she had truly developed a deeper sense of gratitude. This time she moved more slowly and thoughtfully as she went out on dates. She also found herself feeling more appreciative of her friendships and her ability to take care of herself.

What are you grateful for today?

“We have to recover the art of making ourselves central,” said Gloria Steinem addressing more than 6,500 women at the 6th annual Massachusetts Conference for Women earlier this month. The keynote speakers included the renowned Gloria Steinem, Victoria Reggie Kennedy, Elizabeth Lesser, Judge Glenda Hatchett, Christy Turlington Burns and Tory Johnson. The focus was on women assuming their place as resilient leaders and daring to change the prevailing models of government and power.

Steinem said, “There is always one true inner voice. Trust it.” She spoke passionately about women struggling to enhance their self-esteem and to create a “Revolution From Within,” the title of one of her best-selling books. Changing the planet in a positive direction means changing ourselves internally and then bringing our true greatness to influence the lives of others. We must combine our uniqueness with unity.

Gloria Steinem and Dr. RKG at the Massachusetts Conference for Women

Steinem, an author, speaker, advocate,  and political tour de force who for two decades led a social revolution against injustice, quoted Albert Einstein: “No problem can be solved from the same consciousness that created it.” Steinem spoke of the difference between strength and force, guidance versus domination, and empowerment versus fear. Steinem challenged women to balance the needs of children and the stewardship of the earth.

“Your Time is Now” – Keynotes Explore Conference Theme

“Now is the time for women to lead around the globe,” according to Elizabeth Lesser, co-founder of the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, N.Y. Women all over the world are rebounding and finding their sense of purpose individually and collectively. Lesser said, “When you hear the word leader, hear your name.” She urged attendees to show the world a new way of leading and not perpetuate the status quo: “We must lead with intention, so that we can correct the path.”

Historically, domination and control around warfare and keeping women from making decisions set the tone for governing globally. What if women contributed to the body of leadership ideas? What if women became more comfortable using their voices and innate powers?

There is suffering around the world that needs healing. We cannot approach the mending of the world using the same strategies that have consistently failed. The voices of women need to be included in the conversation. We need to more fully integrate women in leadership roles and find new ways to solve old problems. We as women need to assume this responsibility.

Judge Glenda Hatchett said, “We need less fretting and more doing and being fearlessly resilient.” She dared the audience to live their lives with purpose and passion. Judge Hatchett said, “No one gets your story and what it took for you to get here like you do.” We have a story to tell and work to get done. Women can deliver a new way of leadership that draws upon strength and inclusion rather than domination.

Victoria Reggie Kennedy, a powerful voice and advocate for issues that affect the lives of women, children and families, said, “Be fearlessly resilient… to discover what you want and go get it.” Her work on issues such as homelessness, economic opportunity, health care, education, domestic violence, and involvement in the political process have contributed to positive changes in Massachusetts and nationally.

The Massachusetts Conference for Women continues to grow, educate and exhilarate women from the Boston area. The lead for the conference was: “YOUR TIME IS NOW! To be fearlessly resilient. To rebound with purpose and power. To lead with intention. To discover what you want—and go get it!”

What will you do in 2011 to lead your life with intention?

This video describes some of the essential characteristics of the happiest women.

Some of the activities of the happiest women include:

The happiest women surround themselves with loving family and friends. In general they spend the least amount of time alone.

They do not measure themselves by other people’s standards.

The happiest women get immersed on a regular basis in flow activities. Flow activities are projects or interests that occupy the mind in such a deep way that we lose track of time.

Painting, writing, yoga, dancing, working, gardening or just being with friends are all great examples of flow activities. It is best when these activities are integrated into one’s daily routine.

Happy women pursue personal growth and intimate connections throughout their lives.

The happiest women also know or learn how to forgive readily.

What are one or two things you can do to add to your happiness factor?

I have found in my work as a psychologist that to bring more joy into your life, you need to foster you relationships by connecting regularly with friends and family members.

Choose to be with people who lift your spirits and are not the ones who bring you down.

It may require some time and energy on your part to initiate a new relationship or strengthen an existing one. Either way you are guaranteed to feel happier by being proactive.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

Happiness is a result of living a life filled with loving relationships and flow activities.

The best part is that you are having fun while boosting your sense of connection and well-being.

Thanks for joining me.

With love and inspiration,

Dr.RKG

Please share your comments about what brings joy and happiness into your life.

Living the fast-paced, glamorous New York City lifestyle, Dena Patton started a thriving business there at the age of only 24. Just a few years later, she suffered a minor stroke that changed the course of her life. After consulting a life coach to help her make some lifestyle changes, Dena decided to become a life coach herself. In 2004 she founded Chat, Chew & Chocolate, (CCC), an online community of women looking for connection and inspiration. In addition to local live chapters, Dena organizes CCC retreats in Arizona where she is based.

The retreats are designed for women to connect, relax and rejuvenate. I will be participating in the next retreat – October 1-3, 2010 – as a mentor and facilitator. The other featured speakers are well-known life coach and Oprah Magazine contributor, Martha Beck and Biggest Loser winner and author, Ali Vincent.

Chat, Chew & Chocolate Logo

One of my passions has been working with women in the nurturing environment of the health spa, where relaxation and learning are beautifully woven together. I have led my own groups at Canyon Ranch and Red Mountain Spa for years.

Attending events like this gives me a chance to connect with a wide spectrum of women from all over the country.  And now sharing the platform with other accomplished women adds an exciting new dimension for me personally and professionally.

While I cherish my private therapy practice, I look forward to opportunities to get outside of my routine to embrace new experiences and make new friends. Along with the CCC retreat in October, I will be traveling to Los Angeles later in October for the California Women’s Conference.

Also, as a writer, I love listening to the stories women reveal about their lives when they feel relaxed and safe. Seems like everyone comes away from this venue inspired and energized.  The benefits of travel, adventures, and opening yourself up to new people and experiences often has a profound impact on your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Looking forward to sharing my upcoming encounters on DrRKG.com and  VibrantNation.com.

At the moment there are still several spots available at the CCC retreat in October. The next one will be in February, 2011.

It would be fabulous if you could join us there!

My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into turbulence.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Years ago I conducted workshops and seminars to physicians at the Boston University School of Medicine. The well-attended meetings were about “Who Takes Care of the Physician?” This subject continues to warrant attention, however I’ve come to realize that nurses, aides, home health care providers and our reliable family members, also need to be cared for. They too need tools for their own self-care during these stressful times.

Of course the primary focus is on the sick or post-operative patient, but little attention is paid to the family members that are in the trenches day in and day out with their loved ones. The responsibilities thrust upon the spouses and children can be not only overwhelming, but disorienting and exhausting.

Effects on Family Members

• Fear of the unknown; fear that the family member may never be the same
• Guilt over whether there might have been something you could have done to prevent your family member’s diagnosis
• Helplessness; feeling that there is nothing you can do to really make a difference
• Anxiety over whether the recovery will be sound and complete as possible
• Depression over family member’s inability to live her life the way she used to before the diagnosis
• Frustration about one’s own sleep deprivation, lack of control of one’s own time, and the litany of demands needed on the part of the patient – and shame with feeling the need to take care of the self when needed by the impaired loved one

Ways For Family Members to Manage Successfully while Care Taking:

• Know that recovery involves a partnership of the patient and caretaker.
• Share your feelings of frustration with a friend, loved one or, if appropriate, the person you are caring for.
• Share your positive feelings too, as in reminding the patient that you love him and are willing to do all that you can to help him.
• Get an education. This will help you be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. It will also prepare you for any physical or psychological changes your family member may have to endure.
• If you are not the primary caretaker make your visits short, positive and upbeat.
• Keeping in touch with friends and other family members enables you to get the moral and emotional support needed.
• Make time for yourself. Build in the coverage you need so that you can take breaks to rejuvenate and care for your own physical and psychological needs. Lose the guilt.  The timeout will make you a more effective and loving caretaker.

When have you had to be a caretaker? What psychological impact did the role have on you?

Ten years ago if anyone had asked Nancy Bergstein what her world would be like once both of her daughters had left for college, she probably could not have imagined the satisfying, vibrant and full life she leads today. Between working, volunteering, caring for her elderly mother and nurturing her daughters and husband, Nancy has also found a way to turn challenges into successes and incorporate her artistic interests into her life.

The past couple of years have been a watershed time for Nancy’s family – her children went off to college, her mother moved into her home, her husband’s parents were ailing and job securities changed. Nancy has graciously faced what many of her peers are dealing with: being the sandwich generation.

Children making fruit kabobs in an It's Cooking! class

In addition, Nancy runs her own businesses – one teaching children theatre, cooking and photography and another designing “life story books.” Her “life story books” are another source of inspiration and an outlet for Nancy’s creativity. By helping others to synthesize their lives and photographs, Nancy garners a great feeling of accomplishment by creating books that tell their life stories. If all of that were not fulfilling enough, Nancy continues to direct many theatrical productions in the Sudbury and Wayland communities.

Nancy’s Parents Inspire Her Love of the Arts

Nancy with her parents and brother

Nancy’s parents Irene and Leon were very much in love, but were separated two days after they married because of wartime demands. Irene moved back into her parent’s home, longing to be with Leon and be the newlywed she was supposed to be. She spent two years waiting for her husband’s return. Finally he was back, they settled down outside of Boston and shortly thereafter Irene gave birth to Robert, then Nancy.

Nancy’s parents remained deeply in love throughout their years together. They shared a passion for music and theater. Irene was a fabulous artist and created a treasure trove of painted objects, a talent Nancy would also inherit. She says her “father’s lighthearted spirit made any room sparkle. He always had a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Dad was the inspiration behind my love of music and mom inspired my love of theater and art.” Nancy wasn’t encouraged to choose any of them professionally, nonetheless she found ways throughout the years to “bring joy to myself through creativity.”

Although Nancy received her bachelor’s degree in teaching and then her Masters degree in Health Education and Nutrition, her heart was always tugged in the direction of the arts. After several years of teaching in Duxbury, feeling isolated, Nancy left her job to pursue work in Boston. Taking that risk would prove to be one of life’s turning points for it was there that Nancy met her husband, Alan, who reminded her a lot of her father. After marrying and giving birth to two girls 17 months apart, Nancy wanted to restructure her priorities.

A Growing Family and Creative Pursuits

Nancy and her family

Like many parents, Nancy hoped her girls would have all she herself had wished for growing up and more. She left her job in Boston to become a stay-at-home mom so she could devote herself to raising Laura and Julie. “I felt that helping my children find their way in life was one of the most important jobs I could do. I wanted to help them to know themselves well, to take pleasure in their relationships with friends and family, and very importantly, to be grounded so they could get through life’s ups and downs.” Nancy also encouraged her daughters to cultivate their passions while thinking realistically about their futures and what paths could be fulfilling for them.

Anything Goes poster, Curtis Middle School

“During that time, I stayed very involved in our schools and community. Being a teacher allows one to inspire and hopefully make a difference in a child’s future,” Nancy says. Nancy was eventually hired as the Musical Theatre Director of Sudbury’s middle school. She oversaw several successful productions, including Bye Bye Birdie, Guys and Dolls, and Anything Goes. Parents in the community still stop her to talk about the rewards that both the students and community reaped from those experiences.

Program cover from Temple Shir Tikva production

Nancy helmed several productions at her local synagogue as well. During the ten years that she directed shows, the cast, crew and number of musicians under her direction grew, as did the audience size. Nancy’s theatrical endeavors earned her a glowing reputation and brought the temple and community to life. She inspired people to become involved, excited, develop new friendships and to have fun. “I was fortunate in both venues to develop and share in the community spirit, to collaborate with talented, wonderful people, with whom to this day I share friendships. I couldn’t have done those shows without them.”

Becoming a Caregiver

Life became more challenging as the years went on. Nancy suddenly found herself caring for her ailing mother, who moved into her family’s home and has been there for more than two years. “Even though I wasn’t close with my mother when I was younger, taking into account all the factors, living with us seemed the appropriate choice at the time.” Nancy felt it would be better for her mother to be with her family at the end of her life than alone in a facility. Little did Nancy know that this decision would be another major turning point in her life. During this time her children left for college, her husband was out of work and then later began working out of state, and they lost both of his parents within several weeks of each other.

Nancy rose to the occasion by taking care of her mother whose health was deteriorating. She mourned the loss of Alan’s parents, adjusted to their children being away and continued to build and create her own businesses. She juggled all of this without bitterness or self-pity. Her resolve and resilience made it all seem easy and she served as a role model for her daughters and her friends. Nancy concentrated on positive things, grateful to have her beautiful family, wonderful friends and good health.

Nancy with her daughters and mother

Nancy really had no idea what it would be like being an elderly person’s primary caregiver or how long she would be in that position. Although Nancy admits the past couple of years have been stressful, “like most difficult events in life, there have been many valuable lessons to learn. I certainly hadn’t envisioned that at 60-years-old I’d be living at home quietly with my husband and children away often, and me with my 90-year-old mother and a dog!

“Life is ten percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we handle it. Old age can be hard for some people. Watching it first hand on a daily basis has commanded more of me than I probably knew I could handle: the end of life psychology, defining different ailments, learning about medicines, talks of death and personal wishes, managing both the at-home and outside care, how insurances work, how various facilities work (i.e. hospice, rehab, nursing homes and hospitals) and the good and not-so-good doctors. I’ve learned about medical errors, patient rights, shopping for essentials, administering medications, some unpleasant cleaning tasks and educating my family to all of this, and on and on and on. In the past six months alone we’ve journeyed to the hospital five times, hospice twice, rehab twice and have been in and out of our home as well. As her caregiver, I felt sad, too, for all she’s been through and is still going through. I had to learn, however, to rise above caring for my mother and maintain my own happiness, probably one of the hardest but most important lessons a caregiver has to learn,” Nancy explains. She is quick to say that she knows she is not alone in facing these challenges, as many of her peers are in the same situation.

Caring for Herself While Caring for Others

Nancy acknowledges that most people do not know what it is like to be a daily caregiver. “I couldn’t possibly explain the roller coaster ride I’ve been on. Learning to support caregivers of the world is of the utmost importance because they are in a very draining situation, with many emotions running wild. Added to their job description, if it is a child/parent relationship, there can be many past, complicated emotions brought to the surface while dealing with current ones, such as anger, frustration, sadness and guilt.” In addition to processing all of the unforeseen emotions that have come along with caring for her mother, Nancy has become much more aware of the plight of the elderly in America. She feels there is much work and “new thinking our country needs to do regarding the elderly who are unfortunate enough to have lengthy, uncomfortable endings.”

Photography by Nancy Bergstein

By staying connected to friends and family, pursuing her own creative projects like photography and watching her own health, Nancy has been able to maintain a sense of balance throughout this challenging time. She also feels grateful just for the ‘extra’ time she has had with her mother. “Time,” she says, “that we might not have had otherwise to be at peace with each other. Perhaps having difficult times helped me to see the positives more clearly. I’ve gained a new kind of inner strength including how to be more giving, understanding, patient and selfless. I’m a bit mellower being humbled by seeing what life can bring. I have a new empathy for the elderly and for what their lives may be like. I know that having gotten this far, I will continue to face challenges head on.”

By realizing that she’s not alone in caring for two generations – older and younger – Nancy hopes that others will feel less alone as well. “No one is immune to hardships and the “busy-ness” of life. My story isn’t unusual but if one person feels more supported by reading it, I will feel good sharing some of the story of our family’s journey.”

If Nancy has learned anything it’s that “most things that happen during the day are small stuff not to be sweated. The bigger things that cause much personal pain require much inner strength to push through them and that capability lies within us. Our personal happiness comes from our inner selves and the people (and dogs!) we surround ourselves with.”

Her philosophy for life going forward is to try to live in the spirit of ‘Yes!’

Physical activity has always been a saving grace for me. As a teenager I loved swimming in the summers and running along the beach with my dog whenever I could.

One day while meandering through the Brooklyn College bookstore I discovered a book on the practice of yoga. As I read that book, gleaning various breathing techniques and dynamic postures, something clicked. I learned to stretch and move through space while deepening my breath and gradually becoming more skilled at slowing down.

Growing up in NYC I knew that I needed to acquire some tools in harnessing my energy and exercising in a purposeful way. My yoga practice seemed to bridge the gap between exercise and mindfulness.

Over time, I alternated brisk walking with the occasional run. My body, in time, rebelled against anything but modest running but I remained faithful to walking. During the kinder New England weather I continue to swim and bike. Even when I skip days or occasionally weeks, I always manage my way back to exercising. I am grateful for having incorporated these physical activities into my life, as they have always served me well psychologically and physically.

The dilemma for me is not how do I motivate myself to work out, but rather what to do to boost my spirits if I cannot break a sweat and feel the multitude of benefits that I derive from movement.

Facing an injury has an emotional impact

Recently I suffered an injury for which I ended up needing surgery. Several months have elapsed since I have been able to do my usual routine, which I’ve come to rely upon for stabilizing my moods, energy, concentration and, dare I say, sense of self. Physical exercise puts so many things into perspective for me, that it is hard to identify all the ways I have recently been blindsided due to my lack of activity.

The question is what does one do, when there is an injury, surgery or disability and when one cannot resort to the powerful benefits of this elixir.

“No exercise,” the doctor ordered. This did not completely sink in until after the surgery. “We’ll see how things go in a few weeks.” My heart sank. At first I thought I’d just stay in bed, write when possible, and in a week I would get back to my routine. Toughing out the depravation of those “feel good chemicals” (serotonin, dopamine and epinephrine) through lack of exercise wouldn’t be that challenging. I quickly learned that the healing process would take longer than anticipated and that I needed help.

7 important lessons for feeling good when you’re unable to exercise.

1. When you are injured and/or bedridden, ask friends for help, especially from the ones that make you laugh and feel good. Laughter and good energy from friends releases those feel good chemicals.
2. Allow your wonderful friends and neighbors to help with meals. I don’t like to ask for help, but I’ve learned it vastly beats the alternative. When you ask you not only get the help needed, but it is generally fun. The giver and the receiver both benefit.
3. Remind yourself to say and repeat affirmations, because whatever you are going through will improve and you will feel better with a positive mental attitude.
4. Watch movies that make you feel good and laugh. Laughter also boosts your immune system and will help you to heal faster.
5. Write in a gratitude journal all the things in your day that you appreciate. This will keep you out of the darker place of feeling sorry for yourself, especially while you can’t work out, blow off steam and are dependent on others.
6. Several minutes of meditation 1-2x day will help you to relax and put things into perspective. Sometimes an injury and being laid up give you the opportunity to rethink priorities.
7. Allow your body to relax, rest and sleep. You’ll heal faster and feel more charged when the time is right for a gradual transition back into physical activity. In other words, do everything you can to honor your body, mind, spirit and friendships during the healing process.

What do you do to manage most successfully during those times when you can not exercise?

The Activites of the Happiest Women

(text to video)

Some of the activities of the happiest women include:

The happiest women surround themselves with loving family and friends. In general they spend the least amount of time alone.

They do not measure themselves by other people’s standards.

The happiest women get immersed on a regular basis in flow activities. Flow activities are projects or interests that occupy the mind in such a deep way that we lose track of time.

Painting, writing, yoga, dancing, working, gardening or just being with friends are all great examples of flow activities. It is best when these activities are integrated into one’s daily routine.

Happy women pursue personal growth and intimate connections throughout their lives.

The happiest women also know or learn how to forgive readily.

What are one or two things you can do to add to your happiness factor?

I have found in my work as a psychologist that to bring more joy into your life, you need to foster you relationships by connecting regularly with friends and family members.

Choose to be with people who lift your spirits and are not the ones who bring you down.

It may require some time and energy on your part to initiate a new relationship or strengthen an existing one. Either way you are guaranteed to feel happier by being proactive.

Eleanor Roosevelt said: Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

Happiness is a result of living a life filled with loving relationships and flow activities.

The best part is that you are having fun while boosting your sense of connection and well-being.

To read more on this and other topics about What Women Need go to DrRKG.com

Thanks for joining me.

With love and inspiration,

Dr.RKG

Please share your comments about what brings joy and happiness into your life.