The resilient woman embodies a tenacious spirit and embraces life in the face of trauma, losses and transitions. She lives a courageous life with a vision of purpose, meaning and fulfillment.

The inspiring and fearless photojournalist, Margaret Moth, who recently succumbed to cancer, embodied the spirit of a resilient woman. Pictured here with her camera, Moth embraced adventure and making a difference in the world.

How does one develop the capacity to become resilient when it does not come naturally? Most of us need to learn certain skills and strategies to develop resiliency.

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Confucius

The 10 Keys to Developing Resiliency

1. Build relationships and connections with supportive friends and family members. This contributes profoundly to our capacity for resilience.
2. Engage in activities that give you a sense of purpose and meaning. Having something to focus on outside of yourself enhances your well-being.
3. Practice mindfulness exercises such as abdominal breathing, meditation, constructive rest or self-hypnosis.
4. Take care of yourself physically. Eat a clean diet, exercise regularly and get at least seven hours of sleep. It’s difficult to be resilient when basic needs are not being met.
5. Strengthen your ability to be optimistic by looking for something each day that signals a good outcome. Train your brain to expect positive results.
6. Keep a gratitude journal so that you can track all the elements of your day for which you can be grateful. It does not have to be anything major. A pleasant walk, a good conversation with a friend, a delicious cup of coffee are all examples of life’s pleasures for which we can be grateful. The gratitude journal helps develop a more positive perspective and greater resilience.
7. Be proactive. Rather than hoping and praying that things will change, every day take some steps towards initiating that change. Feeling a daily sense of accomplishment helps us to feel more empowered and able to influence the events of our lives.
8. Maintain perspective. Keep the big picture in mind when things don’t work out according to plan. Resilient people know to expect the unexpected. You just need to remember that setbacks will happen and your job is to keep pushing forward.
9. Add fun and laughter into your everyday life. If it is difficult to find the humor in the context of certain losses or challenges, then look elsewhere to find some comic relief. Humor helps to deepen our capacity for resilience.
10. Engage in flow activities. Flow activities are projects or interests that occupy the mind in such a deep way that we lose track of time. Writing, dancing, yoga, gardening, spending time with friends are all great examples of flow activities.

Developing resilience looks like a full time job, yet most of these suggestions can be incorporated throughout the day and need not be time-consuming. Developing resiliency is a way of changing one’s mindset or looking at life from a slightly different lens.

How is your resilience? What are one or two things you can do to boost your ability to roll with the punches?

“I’m such a loser.” “I look fat.” “Why do I always say so many stupid things?” Lisa repeatedly put herself down and reported feeling increasingly despondent when things went wrong. For years she thought of her life in the most negative light and, not surprisingly, was becoming increasingly anxious.

Lisa judged herself harshly for her parenting skills, saying she was a terrible mother especially when conflicts arose with her teenage son. Social situations were also challenging and Lisa often berated herself afterward.

When Lisa came to therapy, we talked about the roots of this self-defeating behavior. Lisa needed to learn how to self-regulate, quiet her critical inner voice when negative thoughts began to intrude and develop the ability to think more positively.

Lisa tried meditation on several occasions but this technique did not suit her well. She desired a skill that felt more active and goal directed. She clearly wanted to work on changing specific behaviors.

Self-Hypnosis as a Solution

Many of us make negative suggestions to ourselves consciously and unconsciously throughout the day. Self-hypnosis involves programming the mind with positive thoughts and suggestions that, when practiced regularly, train us to perceive ourselves in a more favorable way. This can reduce feelings of inadequacy and anxiety as well as promote feelings of relaxation, self-esteem, and self-control.

Self-hypnosis typically uses affirmations or simple positive statements. For example “I am a competent woman and I can handle this.” This statement repeated throughout the day is a powerful affirmation. When used as part of the self-hypnosis technique described below, the mind is even more receptive to such suggestions as it is in more of a trance-like state. Affirmations and self-hypnosis both build a positive outlook.

While a self-induced hypnotic state may not be quite as deep as being hypnotized by someone else, it does allow you to remain in control so that you continue making relevant suggestions to yourself and shaping your behavior.

The Technique of Self-Hypnosis

• Hypnotizing yourself requires only that you have a private environment, at least in the earliest learning stages. Once you become familiar with this method, it can be practiced just about anywhere and anytime.
• Think about a behavior that you would like to change. Create a simple and positive statement about this change. It helps to write it down.
• Eliminate distractions.
• Sit in a comfortable chair and relax.
• Close your eyes and allow your entire body to sink into the chair.
• Count down slowly from 5-4-3-2-1. When you count down, relax your mind and body more deeply. Relax yourself from the top of your head to your feet.
• Feel the full weight of your body being supported by the chair.
• Now repeat the simple, positive statement you created at the beginning of this exercise and slowly repeat it to yourself.
• Involve all of your senses as you imagine yourself in this positive way.
• Spend a few minutes in this deepened state.
• When you are ready, count up from 1-2-3-4-5 feeling more relaxed, refreshed and revitalized than before you began the technique. You might want to repeat those or similar words to help you to ease out of this state of mind.
• Notice how you are feeling. With practice you will become more proficient at eliciting a relaxation response and internalizing these positive suggestions.

While it might be difficult to eradicate negative thoughts completely, we do have the power to create a greater repertoire of positive messages which will become internalized with practice over time.

I recommended self-hypnosis to Lisa as a way of dealing with her negative self-talk. Lisa resonated with this exercise and now practices it regularly. Self-hypnosis continues to help the relationship with her son, in social situations, and most importantly, with her own private thoughts.

Think of a simple, positive statement regarding something you want to change about yourself. Please share your experiences with self-hypnosis.

“How do I choose the right therapist for me and get the support I need?” When you or someone you know is hurting inside or needs additional support, there are people and resources that can help. The questions I would like to address here are: how do you find the best mental health assistance during a difficult time? What criteria do you look for in choosing a therapist?

The truth is a good therapist is not necessarily measured by her or his training, degree, license, orientation or official listing. While all of these factors do matter, the ultimate test for who is the best match for you depends primarily on the connection felt during the initial meeting. A good therapist should have trained listening skills, be nonjudgmental, be patient and have an accepting attitude. It is important that you feel a sense of comfort and trust. Your gut reaction is probably the truest barometer for knowing if a fit with a particular therapist is a good one.

A recommendation from someone trusted who knows you is the best way to go, and, even better if that person is a professional in the medical or mental health field. The next step is deciding what type of therapy you wish to engage in. There are varied approaches such as – cognitive, behavioral, psychoanalytic and Gestalt. I encourage setting up the initial appointment on the phone rather than by email, since even a brief conversation provides important information.

Asking the therapist what type of therapy they practice is a good and fair question. They might offer one or a combination of methodologies. After you have gleaned the insight you need ask yourself, “Do I feel that this person can help me?”

Another factor to consider, of course, is your insurance coverage. Most insurance companies today require that you work with a therapist within their own network. The therapist working with insurance companies generally have a contractual agreement with that particular company and agree to a substantially reduced rate.

More established therapists are often unwilling to participate in these insurance networks because they can generally charge more. That said, there are still good therapists within the networks, but you may need to do more research. This means asking your insurance company for a list of mental health providers in your area and interviewing those available until you make a good connection. Ultimately you need to be your own advocate for finding the best practitioner for you. You might even need to stand up to the insurance company if there is a particular therapist outside of its network that is a good match for you. Sometimes the insurance companies will make exceptions and give you coverage if you have a good rationale for needing to see a certain therapist.

The Internet can also serve as a resource and streamline your search for a therapist. You can learn much about a therapist this way, but again ultimately it is how you feel with this person that should be the deciding factor. Some directories include:

1. About.com’s UCompare HealthCare
2. 4therapy.com
3. findatherapistnow.com
4. find-a-therapist.com
5. PsychologyToday.com
6. Psychology.com

In the case of an emergency it is best to call 911 or go to your nearest hospital emergency room. Your health and safety always come first. The ER is the fastest way to obtain immediate attention when necessary. Ideally you don’t want to wait until there is a crisis to schedule an appointment with a therapist. It is best to connect with someone before one’s emotional world is so compromised.

After you have successfully done the work needed to feel better, my recommendation is that you keep your therapist on board as a resource. It is always good to know that you have a support system in place when and if the time arises again. I think of a therapist as one would a good physician – you go for treatment as needed throughout the life cycle.

Who do you turn to in times of emotional need?

My favorite and only resolution for the coming year is to have more fun. This year my commitment to myself is to clear the decks for at least an hour a day so that I can devote more time to doing things that make me laugh, feel enriched, balanced or energized. Not the usual resolution of  ‘I’m going to work out and get in better shape, cut back on caffeine, eat more vegetables, get to bed earlier or be even be more focused and productive.’

I’m so used to thinking about productivity and self improvement that I sometimes forget that chatting it up with friends or dancing around my living room blasting the classic rock station, powerfully impacts my vitality and ability to stay focused throughout the rest of the day. My resolve is to make sacred time for play. 

More phone calls to friends, more walks, lunches and play dates. I’m taking my own medicine and calling at least one friend a day.

The author of “The Artist’s Way,” Julia Cameron, talks about the importance of having at least one novel experience or adventure a week to keep those creative juices flowing. My plan is to do something that ignites my sense of awe and wonder once a week.

Perhaps a fabulous exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts with a girlfriend, a visit to the Imax theater, Fenway Park, the Aquarium, the Science Museum, a Duck Tour, or a walk along the Freedom Trail and checking out restaurants in Boston’s South End.

It’s a brand new decade. Time to capture those moments and build in opportunities for connecting, experiencing more happiness and discovering what really matters. Welcome 2010! Bring it on… I think I’m going to make this one rock!

What is your passion or vision for the coming year?

Affirmations can be used to bring positive and lasting change to your life. Every thought you have supports your mind in creating your moment to moment reality. Our beliefs are learned thought patterns that we have developed since childhood. Some of these thoughts patterns support our everyday life experiences and others sabotage us from achieving our goals and dreams.

Affirmations do not necessarily undo the early negative messages that we internalized, but they do allow us to build a repertoire of positive statements that can override them. This can be achieved by incorporating affirmations into our everyday lives.

Affirmations are simple, positive phrases that are repeated often to oneself. It is best to do this by taking a few deep breaths to calm your mind and body. Then repeat the affirmation to yourself as needed.

Some examples of affirmations:

“I have everything I need right now.”

“I feel loved and loving.”

“I am grateful for everything I have in this moment.”

“I am safe and at peace.”

“I choose to take this action.”

What affirmation would be meaningful for you to build into your day today?

Years ago while in college I used to begin my day with unconscious negativity. While getting ready for school, I would look in the mirror and say something like “Your skin looks lousy today.” “You look really tired.” “This is going to be an unbearably long day juggling work and school.” From the start I felt defeated. I didn’t realize how these thoughts were contributing to feeling bad about myself or the possibilities of the day.

On a whim I took a yoga class with a girlfriend more for exercise than for spiritual enlightenment. It was there that I was introduced to the idea of creating a positive state of mind with my own thoughts. I learned about the power of affirmations. At the time it was a complete shock to me that I could control my thoughts. I decided to give it a go.

My very first affirmation that I used while in my early twenties was, “I am whole and integrated.” I repeated this affirmation religiously as I swam laps, ran around the reservoir or just sat still. I decided to stick with this affirmation until I truly felt whole, healed and integrated. Eventually it did begin to feel true.

Since then I’ve learned much about the neurological changes that occur with one’s thoughts. There is an abundance of literature that now confirms the notion that your thoughts fire up different parts of the brain. When you consciously choose to change these thoughts different parts of the brain fire up accordingly. This suggests that with enough practice you can change the way the brain fires. That is, you can change a negative perspective to a more positive one with practice. WOW!

I particularly like the affirmation said by World War II’s empowered Rosie the Riveter, “I can do this.” Whenever I find myself feeling overwhelmed or facing a new challenge, I remind myself, “Okay Randy, you can do this!” It always seems to help and sometimes brings the added benefit of making me laugh.

You can foster the idea that the glass is half empty or half full. It all depends upon the thoughts that you choose to entertain. That which you focus on will inevitably become stronger. So it behooves us to bring our attention to the more positive perspective.Thoughts are powerfully involved in creating moment to moment reality.  Some of these thought patterns support our everyday life experiences and others sabotage us from achieving our goals and dreams. Which do you choose and what are your observations?

Wishing you love and inspiration,

Throughout our lives we are faced with challenges, transitions and losses. How can you find the strength and grace to let go of what is lost? It is about thriving…not just surviving.

I’m Dr. Randy Kamen Gredinger. For the past thirty years I have worked as a psychologist and life coach with women facing struggles and losses. I have often observed that women experience an overwhelming sense of loneliness and isolation when they are dealing with such issues.

DrRKG.com is dedicated to inspiring women to find balance in life and learn strategies to achieve happiness. One of the key strategies for finding balance and happiness is developing the capacity t be resilient.

Resilience means moving forward and flourishing in the face of adversity. And going on to lead a healthy and fulfilling life.

Learn to tolerate difficult emotions. Self–regulate, self–soothe, self–nurture. Develop insight and mindfulness. Train your brain to be more flexible and hopeful. Learn to integrate affirmations into your everyday life.

Empowerment. Authenticity. Use this empowerment to build healthy and fulfilling relationships that sustain you and help you to feel enriched and connected.

Develop hope and optimism as you navigate through life so that you can reach your goals, your dreams, your full potential.

Together we will develop greater balance in our live and more successful strategies for happiness.

Thanks for stopping by.

Randy Kamen Gredinger, Ed.D.

It’s possible to fire up your brain positively or negatively. Your thoughts shape your inner experience. Frequent use of affirmations helps keep you motivated and focused on the positive, in matters of love, work, or health.

Affirmations facilitate a more optimistic perspective and create a fertile condition for transforming one’s inner experience. They can be used to bring positive and lasting change to your life. Affirmations are simple, positive phrases that are repeated often to oneself. They form the core for developing the power of positive thinking. It is best to write down a phrase that represents something you are working towards. It helps to feel and believe that your desire has already been achieved. This kind of positive thinking accelerates the realization of your affirmation.

Then repeat your phrase as often as you want, after taking a few deep breaths to calm your mind and body. The repetition and the associated mental imagery influence the unconscious mind. Eventually this transforms one’s self-perception, behaviors, habits, actions and reactions.

All of our beliefs are learned thought patterns that we have developed since childhood. Affirmations positively influence the way you think and behave in the world. They do not necessarily undo the early negative messages that we internalized. However, affirmations do allow us to build a repertoire of positive statements that can ultimately override some of the earlier negative messages.

My recommendation is that you choose an affirmation that has meaning to you and practice it often. When you feel its effects and are ready to modify or change the statement then move on to another. You can build a library of affirmations that you use as needed. I have used them before giving a lecture, giving birth, delivering a difficult message to someone, or taking on just about any new challenge.

Some other affirmations:

• I have enough, I am enough.
• I feel loved and loving.
• I am surrounded by light and love.
• I feel strong, balanced and calm.

Think about an affirmation that is meaningful to you. Write it down and notice how it works for you. Please feel free to share your observations.

Wishing you love and inspiration,

Nothing during my rigorous training to become a psychologist thirty years ago prepared me to be in the present moment. We focused on anxiety, depression, loneliness, suffering, isolation, abandonment, post-traumatic stress and other disorders. Even back then the emphasis on these words and diagnoses did not quite resonate with me. Alternative therapies began to emerge in the 1970s and 1980s.I studied them all and realized that something was still missing.

Although my psychotherapy practice was primarily traditional, out of curiosity, I researched the teachings of Richard Alpert otherwise known as Ram Dass. Ram Dass’s philosophy of Be Here Now intrigued me. For hours I would listen to his meditations on the beaches of Martha’s Vineyard and in university auditoriums. The idea of learning to be in the moment, rather than constantly focusing on past psychological hurts and injuries compelled me to learn more.

Signing up for a two week retreat at The Insight Meditation Society in Barre, Massachusetts was the tipping point. There I sat and meditated for ten, sometimes twelve hours in silence daily. There were about fifty of us at this retreat. No one spoke, unless it was to our spiritual guide. It was like a scene out of the book Eat, Pray, Love.

We woke every morning to the sound of a gong before dawn. We ate hot cereal, drank miso soup and tea. Then reluctantly off to the meditation hall. The silence and the pain of sitting for those long hours were daunting.

Everyday I planned my escape. I would leave before dawn, get in my car and go to the nearest cafe. Once I had my caffeine fix, back to my familiar and safe world I went. The truth is I could have left at any time. No one was keeping me there but myself.

The sitting never got easier, but I knew I needed to see the experience through. I broke my silence once and then guilt quieted me for the duration. Tears streamed down my face on a few occasions as did feelings of joy, relief, pain, regret, sadness, jealousy, elation… My emotional world unfolded before me as I continued to sit and sit. Never did I find my mind empty of thought. Instead I learned to observe the rise and fall of everything I felt physically and emotionally.

After fourteen days when I was released from this experience, I hardly recognized the sound of my own voice when I began to speak. All of my senses were heightened and exquisitely tuned in to everything and everyone for weeks, maybe months.

Several times over the next decade I returned for brief visits for the reminder to be still and mindfully observe my thoughts and feelings. The indelible effect of this teaching began to seep its way into my work as a psychologist.

Instead of focusing exclusively on the origins of my patients’ fears, anxieties, loneliness, and suffering, I would sometimes teach them to meditate and to observe the rise and fall of their emotional lives. Sometimes we sat and meditated for a few minutes before the talking part of our session began. This not only fostered a connection between us, but allowed the patient to be more fully in the present moment. Most importantly the meditation gave patients a skill that they could use on their own.

My daily routine includes at least several minutes of meditation. After those two weeks of sitting and meditating for more than ten hours a day, a few minutes is nothing but pure pleasure.

What is your experience with meditation or sitting in silence?