The short conversation on the phone left my husband, Martin with a look of shock. “What was that about?” I asked. Martin stood in silence, took some forced deep breaths and softly spoke. “There’s been an accident. A terrible accident.” As it turned out, one of my son, Max’s dear childhood friend was killed in a car crash hours before. He left a party in the early morning hours feeling it would be safe to drive. He got into his car, still slightly intoxicated from the night before neglecting to put on his seat beat. He drove off and almost immediately crashed into a tree.  He wanted to get home; it was such a short distance. This was a great kid who made a terrible decision.

My son was on his way to a concert in Boston, ready to savor his last night in town and then finish up the packing in the morning. Martin called him to tell him of the tragedy so he didn’t read it on facebook or hear it on the news or from a friend. Somehow we thought perhaps we could soften the blow from the sickening news. He began to wail over the phone. He uttered a sound I had never heard come from him before. I could hear the ghoulish cries even as I stood several feet away from the phone.

How could this be? They were such great buddies. So many childhood memories shared. Max came home, locked himself in his room and sobbed. One by one Amy, Martin and I offered to talk to him or just be with him. “I need to figure this out alone. I need to think. I need…” His cries could be heard throughout the house. Amy left to walk the dog, just so she could shield herself at least temporarily from Max’s anguish.

My heart aches for the family that suffered the greatest loss of all. Their lives forevermore changed and broken. My heart aches for the young man with such promise that will never see age twenty. My heart aches for my son who lost his dear boyhood friend along with his innocence. No one is impervious. Yes, we need to train our children to be ever vigilant in making good choices and decisions. Even then we cannot save them from senseless catastrophe.

Last night I found myself murmuring prayers for the unspeakable loss of this family and for the protection of my own children.

How do you best protect your children from catastrophe?

My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Years ago I conducted workshops and seminars to physicians at the Boston University School of Medicine. The well-attended meetings were about “Who Takes Care of the Physician?” This subject continues to warrant attention, however I’ve come to realize that nurses, aides, home health care providers and our reliable family members, also need to be cared for. They too need tools for their own self-care during these stressful times.

Of course the primary focus is on the sick or post-operative patient, but little attention is paid to the family members that are in the trenches day in and day out with their loved ones. The responsibilities thrust upon the spouses and children can be not only overwhelming, but disorienting and exhausting.

Effects on Family Members

• Fear of the unknown; fear that the family member may never be the same
• Guilt over whether there might have been something you could have done to prevent your family member’s diagnosis
• Helplessness; feeling that there is nothing you can do to really make a difference
• Anxiety over whether the recovery will be sound and complete as possible
• Depression over family member’s inability to live their life the way she used to before the diagnosis
• Frustration about one’s own sleep deprivation, lack of control of one’s own time, and the litany of demands needed on the part of the patient – and shame with feeling the need to take care of the self when needed by the impaired loved one

Ways For Family Members to Manage Successfully while Care Taking:

• Know that recovery involves a partnership of the patient and caretaker.
• Share your feelings of frustration with a friend, loved one or, if appropriate, the person you are caring for.
• Share your positive feelings too as in reminding the patient that you love them and are willing to do all that you can to help them.
• Get an education. This will help you be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. It will also prepare you for any physical or psychological changes your family member may have to endure.
• If you are not the primary caretaker make your visits short, positive and upbeat.
• Keeping in touch with friends and other family members enables you to get the morale and emotional support needed.
• Make time for yourself. Build in the coverage you need so that you can take breaks when needed to rejuvenate and care for your own physical and psychological needs. Lose the guilt.  The timeout will make you a more effective and loving caretaker.

When have you had to be a caretaker? What psychological impact did the role have on you?

Three days post hip replacement surgery a small team with a large ambulance transported me to a rehabilitation facility. While there, I began to heal from the invasive procedure and relearn the act of walking.

Handfuls of medications came periodically throughout the day. One hour before physical therapy, pain medication was generously doled out so that I could tolerate the pain from the simplest of leg and hip movements.

The days spent there seemed to meld together. Each day was about taking care of basic bodily functions: washing, changing johnnies, taking packs of medications, learning and relearning the crucial hip precautions, physical therapy that left me reeling and baby steps with the walker.

My concentration faded into a mere blur. People magazine seemed difficult to follow. My fantasy before the surgery was to read and write as I recovered from the ordeal. For the first couple of weeks, the written word seemed like nothing more than hieroglyphics.

During the long nights at rehab, I laid on my back, unable to sleep or modify my position. My body temperature could not properly adjust and sporadically throughout each night I found myself drenched in sweat and shivering uncontrollably.

I could barely organize my thoughts, but managed to press the “help” button. As if by magic, a woman instantly came to my bedside and whispered, “How can I help?” “What’s wrong?” Through chattering teeth I told her I was freezing cold and dripping in sweat. “Everything is wet,” I said. “I just need to get dry and warm.”

She responded calmly, “You’re okay darling. This is normal. I’ll get you all set up. Just relax. Just breathe. You’ll be better than new in just a few minutes.” She carefully put my limp body into her arms and moved me to the chair next to my bed with guardrails. Her strength made me feel safe.

First, she slowly took off my wet johnny and replaced it with one that was deliciously warm and soft. My heart rate slowed down and my respiration began to smooth out. Next, she changed the bedding one layer at a time. She attentively slipped me back into bed and told me to relax my body for now I would be able to drift off to sleep. And so I did…

About an hour later I again found myself in a cold sweat, feeling scared and out of control yet again. I pressed the button and back she came, with the same patience and compassion as the first time. We went through the cycle repeatedly. Never once was there a delayed reaction to my call for help or a hint of annoyance in her demeanor, even though my bedding and night clothes needed to be changed night after night, a minimum of five times.

The surgeon called my condition “thermo-disregulation”, which sometimes arises as a side effect of a major surgery. I dubbed the nurses and nurses’ aids “the angels of the night.” They consistently came to my rescue and in a matter of minutes, made everything better so I could feel safe again.

These women had beautiful hearts and gentle souls. Many of them looked as though they had been through their own life traumas, but each time they came I felt like there was some kind of divine intervention.

I feel so humbled and grateful in a bizarre sort of way for this lesson in kindness and humanity. Thank you to my “angels of the night”.

Who are you grateful for in your life?

Striving to create a meaningful website and blog, DrRKG: Gaining Balance and Strategies for Happiness, I write several posts each week. When the blog launched in January 2010, writing these posts felt like a daunting task. I labored over the composition of each one. Now several months and 70 posts later, I feel as though I found my stride, with the help of your insightful comments and encouragement.

To address the main focus of the blog – balance and happiness – I would like to share with you my first e-Book, The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun. Please read it at your leisure and recommend it to your friends and colleagues.

In the e-Book you will read…

The multiple roles of women sometimes take us down an unhealthy and unhappy path. Women in our culture inevitably feel like we are not doing enough, regardless of what path we choose. As we juggle being daughters, sisters, mothers, partners, workers, and homemakers – we need to discover ways to be true to ourselves about what feels most important. The challenge is to incorporate the activities we must do with the activities that we want to do for ourselves. Then, regardless of how hectic our lives become, we feel that we are living authentically and tapping into what is closest to our hearts.

The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun was written with you in mind. You will find simple and effective strategies for creating more balance and happiness in your everyday life.

Although adding to anyone’s to do list seems counter-intuitive considering how extraordinarily busy most of us tend to be, I encourage you to practice the keys that resonate with you. Most of the keys discussed do not require a major time commitment.

Start with small steps and you are more likely to be successful in the ongoing process of balancing your life. By eventually integrating all of The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun, I know you will feel more energized, enriched and enlivened.

Please subscribe and leave a comment…

If you have not already subscribed to www.DrRKG.com, please sign up. Along with receiving a free e-Newsletter every other week, subscribers will receive The 10 Keys to Balancing Love, Work and Fun. Please share this with a friend, too.

I would love to know your thoughts and read your comments regarding any of the keys. Share your own tips for balancing love, work and fun.

What do you think is the most important key to finding balance in work, love and fun?

Jessica never dreamed she would have to deal with infidelity in her marriage. She married her best friend Richard soon after she turned twenty-three and graduated college with a teaching degree. She dreamed about starting a family, fixing up their new house and becoming involved in the community with other young couples following this path.

Twenty years of marriage later all of her dreams came true. Jessica and Richard’s two sons attended the local high school and their daughter was a freshman at college. Their fixer upper house morphed into a beautiful home where they entertained regularly.

They had a handful of friends whose marriages went by the wayside because of infidelity, but Jessica especially felt immune from this possibility.

When her children were school age she began teaching at the local elementary school, so that her schedule would coincide theirs. Richard, an insurance broker, maintained a more demanding schedule, often coming home late and occasionally needing to travel.

Jessica and Richard maintained the connection within their marriage over the years by building a weekly date night into their schedules and of course kept regular contact when they needed to be apart. Wednesday night became their designated night for intimacy. They emanated happiness and evoked feelings of jealousy in others for their seemingly perfect existence.

Jessica did not notice when things began to change. Over a period of some months she found herself feeling lonely and even isolated, though nothing seemed particularly different. Richard did not seem as engaged as usual or even as appealing as he had been all the years prior.

She thought maybe she felt down because she had a birthday coming up in a couple of months. Jessica reminded herself that she always felt sad around her birthday. It must be that, she surmised.

Two days later Richard came home from work and announced that he needed to talk. That rainy night Jessica put the pieces together. She learned that Richard had been having an affair with his much younger secretary for the past ten months. He professed his love for Jessica, expressed his deep sense of shame and remorse about his actions.

Richard wanted to work on repairing their marriage but admittedly still had feelings for Michelle, his secretary.

Sucker punched, Jessica needed time to think and demanded that Richard leave the house, at least temporarily. She found herself spiraling down into a dark and despairing place and brought her fragile self for her first therapy session ever.

Her immediate question when we met was ‘Can her marriage survive this betrayal?’

What are your thoughts about whether a marriage can withstand infidelity.

Jill Karp lives a life filled with purpose, love and adventure. “I’m never fearful of what’s next,” Jill explains. “I’m more excited about what comes next and I feel strongly that until you close one door, it’s really hard to wholeheartedly open another. Change doesn’t bother me.” It is no wonder then that this resilient wife, mother, entrepreneur and world traveler has embraced the transitions in her life during the past couple of years, trading ballet recitals for squatting in Third World huts.

What motivates Jill to create this kind of impact on others and give back in such a deeply committed way?

From principal dancer to premier dance studio owner

Lithe and lovely, Jill Karp moved to Boston to follow her man. Her dream to become a professional dancer was dashed by a knee injury. After learning about her physical limitation, Jill chose to build her own dance studio. Dancer’s Workshop rapidly became a successful enterprise.

Jill Karp dancing

Swimming and mindfulness exercises are part of her daily routine, despite juggling her family (three sons and husband), dance studio, home, relationships and volunteering for local schools and charities such as the Children’s Hospital League.

An optimist by nature, Jill seems to weather storms with an ease most of us need to cultivate. Her mother received the cruel diagnosis of sinus cancer right after Jill married. Twenty years and eleven surgeries later Jill’s mother succumbed to this unforgiving disease. Until her death, Jill escorted her mother on travel adventures so her mom could see the world. She carefully planned these travel experiences around the needs of her family and dance studio.

Jill’s love for exploring the world began at age 16 with a summer in Israel. “I always had a sense of adventure,” she says. A few years later Jill spent two semesters studying dance in London and traveled extensively.

At the same time, participating in charitable endeavors was a fundamental core value. With her mother as a role model who took part in community- oriented philanthropy, Jill became involved with the Make a Wish Foundation and Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in college.

“It feels like it is my purpose when I help someone else. That’s where I belong,” Jill says. “It’s always been a part of my life. I have my kids and family and my job and then I always have to have something to anchor me.”

The Karp Family

When Jill began looking for new philanthropic endeavors, she wanted something hands-on. She enjoys the “raw, physical piece” of volunteering, especially in Third World settings. “I get as much from changing five people’s lives as 500.”

Missions to an Orphanage in India and Ethiopia with Mercy Corps

Shortly after the death of her best friend Jean, Jill decided to sell her dance studio to move on to the next phase of her life. For the first time in her life Jill was able to devote more time to pursuits outside of the care of her family, home and work. Her boys were growing up: Ben, the eldest, went on to college and Sam and Daniel were following close behind.

Jill decided to take a yearlong sabbatical. Her passion for travel, adventure and philanthropic endeavors flourished after a succession of losses. She began volunteering for Mercy Corps and went to Ethiopia to work with impoverished women and children. Jill balanced this and other missions with the needs of her own boys.

Jill Karp in Ethiopia on Mercy Corps mission

The experience with Mercy Corps resonated deeply with Jill because, as she put it, “It’s not about dumping food in an under served part of the world. It’s about responsible and sustainable change. Teaching people to grow crops so they can feed themselves, helping them to build schools so they can educate themselves. It’s creating lasting change.”

Fascinated by Indian culture Jill decided next to spend some time at the Premavasam orphanage in Chennai working with disabled children. Here Jill witnessed devastating poverty, and children abandoned by their mothers or left to die in the streets.

Jill described children eating a single meal a day and their only hope resting on their ability to get an education. The filthy orphanage lacked resources to a degree that is hard to fully comprehend in our culture. By choosing to sponsor 20 children in the orphanage, Jill has ensured that they will receive decent housing, food and an education. She advocates tirelessly for these children.

One of the many letters Jill received from Kavitha, a young girl she sponsors:

Kavitha in an Indian orphanage

Dear Jill,

I am fine, I hope you also fine! I am happy to write this letter. I am studying 10th standard at St. Ann’s Matriculation.Hr. secondary school. I go to the school by bicylcle everyday. Now we started to study 10th Standard subjects. I like that very much. I am going to write the annual examination in 15th of March. It will go till March 23rd. I have sent my report card to you. In our quarterly holidays we went to Velankanni Church and last month we went to watch a movie. We enjoyed the movie. We celebrated Republic Day on January 26th. In our home here we conducted some competitions. I participated in Dance, Running Race and poetry competitions. I got first prize in Running Race and Dance. Second prize in poetry.

Now we shifted our room in our home. It is very large and I feel comfortable and I am happy being with my friends. I am very thankful to you for your love and help towards my studies. I thank you for your love and concern towards me. I pray to God for your good health and welfare. Please pray for us.

Yours lovingly,

Kavitha

When asked what drives Jill to pursue these missions, she believes that children are the hope of the future. She also loves traveling to other cultures and working in the heart of raw circumstances. “I come home and feel so blessed with my own family. I am fortunate to live a full life and be able to give back.”

Interestingly Jill is never apprehensive when she moves on to the next philanthropic travel adventure. She loves the excitement of the unknown and derives great happiness from these experiences.

Jill Karp at orphanage in India

“My family has learned to support me in these endeavors. They know “that when mommy’s happy, everyone is happy. I also want to set an example for my kids, so they know how important it is to always give back and see the bigger picture.”

A Life Filled with New Pursuits and Philanthropic Endeavors

Jill continues to pursue these and other missions from her home base. She recently started a business in the Boston area called LESS, a business devoted to organizing, restructuring and energizing homes for people in transition. “I only take a single client at a time. I love being part of a person’s transformation.” Changing one life at a time – whether here in Boston or in Ethiopia or India – Jill takes her mission to help others with her wherever she goes.

Jill makes life decisions based on her heart. “I’m deeply committed to creating a life that fulfills me and makes a difference.” She manages to build rituals into her day that support her mentally and physically regardless of her schedule.

One of those women that make many of us wonder, ‘How does she manage it all?‘ Jill goes about her day with a certain grace and lightness. She assumes a leadership role that embraces others who want to work beside her and learn from her.

She helped establish the Wayland Angels several years ago, an agency that helps families in crisis in her local community, and continues to stay involved. In addition Jill serves on the allocation committee for community service planning for Combined Jewish Philanthropies.

Jill with participant at the Women2Women workshop in 2009

Jill recently agreed to participate in Women2Women, a workshop through Empower Peace in which young women from around the globe come together at Lesley College to learn the skills of negotiation. The idea behind the program is for women who plan careers in government to learn how to express themselves authentically and listen deeply to one another so they can better understand each other’s perspectives.

When asked what the driving force is behind her boundless energy and philanthropic endeavors, Jill says, “I don’t think there’s anything better that you can do in this world than bring light wherever you go. Every day I think how I can make today really matter.”

Everything changes when you feel love, especially your brain. Valentine’s Day reminds us to take stock and acknowledge what matters most – the connection we feel for others. Think about the people in your life with whom you experience love. Learn to “fire up” your brain and feel more love and intimacy in your life. The truth is we can celebrate the people we care about most in our lives on a regular basis and not only special occasions.

Love creates a powerful force that connects us all. It is the energy that runs through us like electricity. We feel it through touch, through words spoken kindly, through gestures and actions, and when we feel truly heard. Sometimes we are tuned into its presence and sometimes in our haste we remain oblivious. Keys to Firing Up the Brain to Experience More Love:

• Tolerating difficult feelings through abdominal breathing and learning mindfulness through meditation and constructive rest
• Actively listening to your friends or partner by paying attention to nonverbal cues as well as the spoken words
• Sharing your own thoughts and feelings as a critical part of the dialogue, helping to strengthen the connection with your partner
• Self-disclosure leads to greater openness, deepens the bond and builds trust into the relationship
• Practicing unconditional kindness leads to a stronger and healthier relationship, where your partner feels more appreciated and is likely to reciprocate
• Improving your capacity for compromise by understanding each others needs and wishes and being willing to meet half way or sometimes to give it up
• Building patience during difficult times by remembering to take some deep breaths and reminding yourself that this impasse is temporary

Put the love out into the universe without waiting for it to come to you and watch what happens. Everyday is an opportunity to create or expand the experience of love.

What’s one action you can take to bring more love into your life?