My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into madness.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Three days post hip replacement surgery a small team with a large ambulance transported me to a rehabilitation facility. While there, I began to heal from the invasive procedure and relearn the act of walking.

Handfuls of medications came periodically throughout the day. One hour before physical therapy, pain medication was generously doled out so that I could tolerate the pain from the simplest of leg and hip movements.

The days spent there seemed to meld together. Each day was about taking care of basic bodily functions: washing, changing johnnies, taking packs of medications, learning and relearning the crucial hip precautions, physical therapy that left me reeling and baby steps with the walker.

My concentration faded into a mere blur. People magazine seemed difficult to follow. My fantasy before the surgery was to read and write as I recovered from the ordeal. For the first couple of weeks, the written word seemed like nothing more than hieroglyphics.

During the long nights at rehab, I laid on my back, unable to sleep or modify my position. My body temperature could not properly adjust and sporadically throughout each night I found myself drenched in sweat and shivering uncontrollably.

I could barely organize my thoughts, but managed to press the “help” button. As if by magic, a woman instantly came to my bedside and whispered, “How can I help?” “What’s wrong?” Through chattering teeth I told her I was freezing cold and dripping in sweat. “Everything is wet,” I said. “I just need to get dry and warm.”

She responded calmly, “You’re okay darling. This is normal. I’ll get you all set up. Just relax. Just breathe. You’ll be better than new in just a few minutes.” She carefully put my limp body into her arms and moved me to the chair next to my bed with guardrails. Her strength made me feel safe.

First, she slowly took off my wet johnny and replaced it with one that was deliciously warm and soft. My heart rate slowed down and my respiration began to smooth out. Next, she changed the bedding one layer at a time. She attentively slipped me back into bed and told me to relax my body for now I would be able to drift off to sleep. And so I did…

About an hour later I again found myself in a cold sweat, feeling scared and out of control yet again. I pressed the button and back she came, with the same patience and compassion as the first time. We went through the cycle repeatedly. Never once was there a delayed reaction to my call for help or a hint of annoyance in her demeanor, even though my bedding and night clothes needed to be changed night after night, a minimum of five times.

The surgeon called my condition “thermo-disregulation”, which sometimes arises as a side effect of a major surgery. I dubbed the nurses and nurses’ aids “the angels of the night.” They consistently came to my rescue and in a matter of minutes, made everything better so I could feel safe again.

These women had beautiful hearts and gentle souls. Many of them looked as though they had been through their own life traumas, but each time they came I felt like there was some kind of divine intervention.

I feel so humbled and grateful in a bizarre sort of way for this lesson in kindness and humanity. Thank you to my “angels of the night”.

Who are you grateful for in your life?

Debbie Phillips evokes a sense of calm, kindness and strength all at once. When asked about her interests and passions, Debbie immediately shares “I love helping people express their talent in the world and support them in growing into their potential.”

Debbie has been through numerous metamorphoses in her personal and professional life. One career path created an opening for the next.

Lessons learned growing up in a large family in Ohio

Debbie grew up in Ohio with her four siblings. Her father was an accountant by training and a salesman by trade. Although her mother wanted desperately to become a nurse, Debbie’s grandfather was unwilling to pay the bill. Instead Debbie’s mother became an extraordinary homemaker – emanating love, creativity and the capacity to be fully present with her children despite barely making ends meet.

“I truly don’t know how she did it with five little kids and so little support. When times got tough, she jumped in and went to work in factories. Plus, in the early years we moved often… By the time I was in the sixth grade, I had attended six schools. I was “the new girl” every single year from first to sixth grade. My mother made it seem like an adventure and told me I was lucky to get to be the new girl and meet so many new people all the time! ”

Debbie Phillips as a child with her family in Ohio

Debbie’s mother found the positive in whatever life dealt. She felt grateful for her beautiful, healthy family and somehow knew that everything else would fall into place. Debbie confided that growing up she often felt embarrassed by her meager surroundings and vowed that when she grew up, her family would never have to struggle financially.

Debbie, like her mother, embodies an infectious sense of optimism and gratitude. Leaving for college, Debbie felt poised to create the life she dreamed of. She attended Ohio State University and majored in journalism.

Her passion for the media began when she was fifteen, working for the local radio station. Two years later Debbie moved into the world of journalism and photography, working initially for the local newspaper and eventually becoming a reporter for the Columbus Citizen-Journal.

A journalism career turns into a political windfall

Her journalism career quickly evolved into working on the presidential campaign of U.S. Senator (former astronaut) John Glenn. After Senator Glenn dropped out of the race, Debbie became press secretary to Ohio Governor Richard F. Celeste.

Debbie Phillips as a young journalist

In that position, Debbie traveled the world meeting strategists, business and political leaders. “I worked extremely hard and consider that I earned a ‘PhD’ in life and work by the time I finished.” After spending time in politics and government, she attended the Kennedy School at Harvard University where she earned her masters degree in public administration.

Along the way Debbie met her first husband, Brad, and became deeply connected to the unconditional love of his parents. Debbie developed a very deep and loving bond with Brad’s mother, Libby. After the death of Brad’s parents, Debbie’s marriage broke down. After 14 years of marriage, Brad and Debbie sadly decided to divorce.

Debbie nevertheless continued to follow her dream. Not long after her painful divorce, she became a life and executive coach. The coaching profession was then in its infancy stages and few people even knew that such a career existed. Debbie said that she barely knew what it was all about, but something caught her attention. She learned quickly and blossomed in this field.

Coaching career ignites into Women on Fire movement

During her coaching career, Debbie created Vision Day, a strategic planning day for realizing one’s goals. She expanded the business and outreach of Vision Day after meeting her future husband and fellow executive coach, Rob Berkley.

Today Debbie is the mastermind of the “Women on Fire” organization, which is dedicated to connecting remarkable women to each other, to increase their options and possibilities for success. Now there are Women on Fire Tea Parties in several states. She still occasionally leads Vision Days but the bulk of her time is spent leading and expanding Women On Fire from her home-base of Martha’s Vineyard.

Debbie Phillips at a Women on Fire Tea Party in NYC

One of Debbie’s own dreams came true with the publication of the book “Women on Fire: 20 Inspiring Women Share Their Life Secrets (and Save You Years of Struggle!). Losing Brad’s mother is the subject of Debbie’s chapter in her book. As Debbie describes it, “real women telling their real-life stories and struggles and how they made it through their obstacles and challenges.”

Melissa McClain is one of Debbie’s “Women on Fire.” By day Melissa is a crisis management professional and has worked with organizations around the world to create industry leading survivor and family assistance programs and respond to mass casualty incidents.

Melissa McClain with her camera

While she finds her work rewarding, Melissa’s passion reveals itself through her extraordinary photography. After attending a group Vision Day and several Women on Fire tea parties, Melissa has created new goals and dreams for her photography and designs. She is now fully connected to her photography passion and recently had her first solo exhibit in Brooklyn, New York.

Debbie also worked with Jacqueline Pimentel, an art lover and real estate broker living on Martha’s Vineyard. Jacqueline achieved her long held dream of earning her bachelor’s degree in art history from Harvard University with Debbie’s inspiration. Jacqueline recently lost her battle with cancer and throughout that painful process Debbie was by her side encouraging her to live her last days fully.

The theme of gratitude resonated with Debbie. “I am grateful that in the formative stages of my life and career I had people who really cared and helped me along. I’m grateful for having close friends and a best friend for nearly 30 years. I’m grateful for a second chance at marriage and thank my incredible husband Rob Berkley for that.”

Debbie Phillips and her husband, Rob Berkley

Today Debbie and Rob collaborate on creating their own visions for their lives and the lives of others. Debbie’s feeling of gratitude for the love and work in her life shines through even on the most challenging of days. Debbie truly represents the essence of a “Woman on Fire” and says “I have always been filled with such gratitude to do the work I love so very much!”

Additional Gratitude Statements by Debbie Phillips

• “I am grateful every single, solitary day – for the contrasts that have made me appreciate my life. I’ve been shaped by being poor and being wealthy and now I am somewhere in between!
• “I am grateful my parents were warm and loving to me. Grateful that they lived until I was a fully grown woman. (My mother is still living, 75 and running her own business still!)
• “Grateful my parents always talked about the possibilities and impressed how important education was and that I would go to college.
• “Grateful my parents story had a successful ending…they did what they wanted in eventually starting their own bulk-mailing company in Huntsville, AL and were successful after many years of struggle in their younger years.
• “I am grateful during my darkest times of grief and despair, I went to therapy and allowed myself to break open. From it my spiritual life emerged. My precious goddaughter Julia was born during this time and I call her “the tender shoot that arrived in my darkest winter.”
• “I am grateful to live in two of the most beautiful places in the United States – Martha’s Vineyard and Naples, FL and have a partner who supports my dreams.”

A daily gratitude journal can enable you to be more optimistic, happy, creative and healthy.

Our days rarely go according to plan or without unexpected challenges. The ability to appreciate what works well is a special gift that some of us have. Others need to cultivate a sense of appreciation, as it is a vital way of powerfully transforming our lives.

Keeping a gratitude journal lets us assess those aspects of our lives for which we feel grateful. This practice “fires up” our brain to be more appreciative. Rather than focusing on the disappointments and setbacks that we invariably experience, we train our minds to tease out the sweetness of our days.

Perhaps this means lunch with a dear friend, a walk with your beloved dog, a yummy cup of coffee, or a great yoga class. These can be the moments that we learn to savor, rather than dwelling on the stuff that brings us down.

Choosing to be grateful in a deliberate and systematic way, by keeping a journal, helps to quiet down the negativity and build a more positive perspective. The shift in what we choose to focus on can make a profound difference in the moment–to-moment experience of our lives.

Instructions for keeping a gratitude journal:

• Choose a notebook that you can keep by your bedside at night and use exclusively for your gratitude writing. Find another place to keep notes during the day such as your phone, a small notebook or laptop. It is best to write things down when they come to mind, if possible. Most of us are not trained to tease out the lovely moments of our day, until we get some appreciation training!
• Try to write 3-5 events in your journal each night, so that you go to bed remembering the positive aspects of the day. The mind is most receptive to ideas and memories when we are in a relaxed state. Don’t be surprised if this practice stokes your creativity engine. You might also notice yourself  sleeping more deeply and having better dreams.
• Aim to write consistently in your gratitude journal. Developing this good habit will lift your spirits and will have lasting benefits such as emotional resilience, greater self-esteem, more fulfilling relationships an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Just keep writing and adding to your journal without judging and assessing. In time the ritual of writing will become more ingrained and pleasurable. Eventually you might find yourself noticing events that otherwise might have been missed or ignored.
• Keep in mind that your experience of gratitude need not only be written in your journal. Showing appreciation and thankfulness to the people in your life also develops greater happiness, optimism and connection. Both the giver and receiver of gratitude receive physical and psychological benefits. They also tend to like each other more as a result of being appreciated!

Write the first ten things that come to mind for which you feel grateful. Then notice how you feel.

Rachel developed gratitude in the face of personal loss. She learned one of the secrets to becoming happier and more optimistic. Rachel changed the way she perceived herself and others by incorporating a greater sense of appreciation into her daily life.

She found herself going to bed each night feeling a sense of loss, anger and loneliness. Rachel recently ended her three-year relationship with her charming and quite handsome live-in boyfriend after discovering through a trusted girlfriend that Richard had been repeatedly unfaithful. Everyone seemed to know but Rachel.

Shame seeped into her everyday experience. Shallow and interrupted sleep left Rachel exhausted each day and was interfering with her work. She became more irritable and less able to focus on her role as a physical therapist.

Talking therapy helped her to understand more about the men she chooses. She began to see the patterns of her behavior. Rachel serially dated men that reminded her of her father, who had a long history of cheating. Her parents bitterly divorced when she was about 13 years old.

Now 33 years old, Rachel finally grasped how she was searching for someone like her father, but with whom she hoped she could have a happier ending. What she discovered was that she needed to broaden her horizons and not be so fast to reject men that did not immediately grab her attention in that old familiar way.

She told me that she often found herself feeling angry and cheated. This attitude ran interference with Rachel’s ability to connect in her relationships with men and women. She experienced little appreciation for the good in her life.

I suggested that she keep a gratitude journal. Rachel already kept a journal where she recorded her feelings and the events of the day. This gratitude journal would be intended only for writing down those events of the day for which she felt grateful. The object was for Rachel to diminish her anger and resentment and develop a greater sense of appreciation.

Gratitude is an integral part of a healthy life and sense of well-being. Rachel was loosing herself in her own negativity. Developing a stronger sense of gratitude is one of the key factors towards creating more happiness in one’s life.

She wrote in her gratitude journal nightly about 3-5 experiences for which she found a positive angle. Over time she found herself feeling more optimistic, happy, open-minded and less resentful. Rachel felt a greater sense of connectedness and wanted to spend more time with friends. She also noticed a qualitative difference in her sleep.

After several months of our conversations and writing in her gratitude journal, Rachel was back to a healthier social life. She felt like she had truly developed a deeper sense of gratitude. This time she moved more slowly and thoughtfully as she went out on dates. She also found herself feeling more appreciative of her friendships and her ability to take care of herself.

What are you grateful for today?

Sometimes I get caught up in the feeling of what’s missing and what I don’t have. Invariably this brings me to a familiar dark place. I have learned that when this feeling arises it is my cue to get back to basics. I need to remember what is good and the gifts in my life.

Gratitude is the experience of thankfulness and appreciation. Every religion and philosophy embraces the idea of gratitude as one of the great virtues and character strengths. It has been shown repeatedly in the research that people who express their gratitude are generally happier and more fulfilled in their lives than those who do not. Also people who are grateful tend to be healthier physically and psychologically than their non-grateful counterparts.

Author Melody Beattie said that, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Being grateful is deeply rewarding for the giver and receiver of the appreciation. The words “thank you” set up a positive connection between family members, friends and strangers. Thank you is a simple and powerful thing to say.

For some of us the expression of gratitude comes easily. For others it requires some skill formation. One of the best ways to develop gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal. Writing down several things that you are grateful for in a journal on a daily basis is a great start towards building this character strength. Recording in a gratitude journal, regardless of how small or seemingly insignificant these experience might be, fires up the brain to start appreciating. Perhaps it is a delicious cup of coffee that you feel grateful for or, a good conversation with a friend, a walk with your dog, a yummy apple… Making these observations facilitate feeling more optimistic and happy more often.

Other benefits of expressing gratitude either orally or in a journal include: heightened creativity, successful goal attainment, heightened energy, alertness and enthusiasm, a greater sense of connectedness, improved sleep, and a great likelihood to exercise. WOW! Who knew?

Gratitude affirmation: I am grateful for all that I have.

What do you feel grateful for today?

Wishing you love and inspiration,