The short conversation on the phone left my husband, Martin with a look of shock. “What was that about?” I asked. Martin stood in silence, took some forced deep breaths and softly spoke. “There’s been an accident. A terrible accident.” As it turned out, one of my son, Max’s dear childhood friend was killed in a car crash hours before. He left a party in the early morning hours feeling it would be safe to drive. He got into his car, still slightly intoxicated from the night before neglecting to put on his seat beat. He drove off and almost immediately crashed into a tree.  He wanted to get home; it was such a short distance. This was a great kid who made a terrible decision.

My son was on his way to a concert in Boston, ready to savor his last night in town and then finish up the packing in the morning. Martin called him to tell him of the tragedy so he didn’t read it on facebook or hear it on the news or from a friend. Somehow we thought perhaps we could soften the blow from the sickening news. He began to wail over the phone. He uttered a sound I had never heard come from him before. I could hear the ghoulish cries even as I stood several feet away from the phone.

How could this be? They were such great buddies. So many childhood memories shared. Max came home, locked himself in his room and sobbed. One by one Amy, Martin and I offered to talk to him or just be with him. “I need to figure this out alone. I need to think. I need…” His cries could be heard throughout the house. Amy left to walk the dog, just so she could shield herself at least temporarily from Max’s anguish.

My heart aches for the family that suffered the greatest loss of all. Their lives forevermore changed and broken. My heart aches for the young man with such promise that will never see age twenty. My heart aches for my son who lost his dear boyhood friend along with his innocence. No one is impervious. Yes, we need to train our children to be ever vigilant in making good choices and decisions. Even then we cannot save them from senseless catastrophe.

Last night I found myself murmuring prayers for the unspeakable loss of this family and for the protection of my own children.

How do you best protect your children from catastrophe?

My heart weighed heavy this week. Empty nest pangs gnawing at me yet again. My two college age children headed back to their respective schools in upstate New York and Delaware. I cherished our time together as a family during their summer break as never before. No fancy vacations, no beach time together, none of our usual summer rituals. This summer was devoted to helping Mom get back on her feet after a difficult surgery and reviving her usual active life.

The golden lining of this challenging time was experiencing the depth of love and compassion that deeply bonds our family together. I did not fully appreciate the beautiful beings my children have turned into. They had never been put to the test before. Amy and Max rose to the occasion of caring for me like nothing else could matter more.

Amy carefully doled out medications three times daily, prepared meals, changed linens and folded laundry. Max grocery shopped, ran errands and took our beloved dog, Kooper, for long walks, even on the hottest days. Not that they didn’t have moments of enjoying their own summer, but their selflessness trumped all the other activities in a powerful way.

Everyone handled the disappointment of canceled vacation time with sensitivity and grace. The most amazing part was how much fun we managed to have together as a family, even under difficult circumstances. Friends and neighbors visited and brought meals, treats and fresh flowers, a steady flow of love from our community.

As we packed bags for their return to college and organized clothes, toiletries, and accoutrements for every weather condition and situation that might arise, I reflected to myself about how different July and August felt from summers past. Something changed for each of us  – like for my babies who matured overnight into young, caring adults.

I vividly remember all the years my husband, Martin and I devoted to our children, making sure every earache, boo-boo, tantrum and sadness was tended to. Early on we decided that our most important job in life, despite our busy careers, was our role as parents. We spent many sleepless nights and scrambled days caring for our children in one way or another. It did not occur to me until recently how they absorbed the lessons of loving kindness and selflessness.

The morning Amy and Max left for their respective schools, I unsuccessfully tried to hold back my tears. Hard to believe I had to deal with an empty nest once again. I hugged them harder than usual and gave them kisses until they gently pulled away.

What is your experience with the empty nest?

Cheryl possesses a smile that lights up a room. It’s an undeniable blend of mischief, optimism and a great sense of humor. She knows her share of pain and loss and yet she’s somehow figured out the key to maintaining a consistently positive mental attitude, with only the occasional lapses into madness.

A breast cancer survivor, Cheryl is the embodiment of the healing powers of friendship. The Brownie slogan “make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold” truly resonates with her. Friendships throughout Cheryl’s childhood as well as her high school and college years became an influential and important part of her world. Regardless of the personal and professional paths Cheryl pursued, her friends consistently remained vital to her sense of well-being.

Ups and Downs of Family Life

Cheryl as a teenager with family

Cheryl’s parents, Annette and Halle, met when they were youngsters and married when they were barely out of their teens. Cheryl was the oldest of their three children.

In high school, Cheryl’s father serendipitously bought a second-run movie theater where she and one of her brothers worked. It seemed like there was always some interesting new adventure going on in her family. Consequently, Cheryl had the unique opportunity of being exposed to a wide variety of budding businesses at a young age. Sadly for Cheryl and her siblings, her parents divorced after her younger brother left for college. Her father remarried but died soon after, suddenly at the age of 51, forever altering their worlds.

After graduating with honors from Wheaton College (Norton, MA), Cheryl married young and like her mother gave birth to three children. Along the way she freelanced for some of the local newspapers and volunteered in her children’s schools and at a variety of charitable organizations.

After 16 years, Cheryl’s marriage ended in divorce. She shared, “It is difficult to say exactly what happened, but regardless, we both made an effort to keep our private business from disrupting the family and especially our children.” Today they have a unique situation where, even though her former husband remarried, they still celebrate milestones and birthdays together. They share custody of their children and never got caught in a tug-of-war or any of the nastiness that often emerges in the divorce process.

Cheryl and Alan, New Year's Eve 2008, a week before diagnosis

Cheryl has had many chapters in her life – from a career woman in Manhattan to married suburban homemaker to divorced freelance writer, editor and publicist. She is devoted to her children, now 24, 21 and 16, her Portuguese Water Dog, Pepper, and her partner, Alan. Like many women juggling multiple roles, Cheryl put herself and her health last on the “to do” list.

Never in her wildest dreams did Cheryl think that she could compromise her health to such an extent that she would one day end up fighting for her life!

A Cancer Diagnosis and Journey to Wellness

In 2006 Cheryl had a mammogram at the Imaging Center in Boston. The radiologist spotted something in her right breast, did an ultrasound and then tried to aspirate it. Nothing came out. Cheryl said that, “If I had known then what I know now, I would have recognized that this was not a cyst, but a solid mass and most likely a tumor that needed to be biopsied immediately.” The radiologist  told her “to follow-up with her doctor.” Cheryl’s did not feel alarmed about getting to her doctor and her life felt chaotic at the time. In hindsight, Cheryl knows she needed to be more proactive and in charge of her own health care.

Late in 2006 she got a letter saying that the facility at One Brookline Place closed and she needed to collect the copies of her mammogram films or they would be put into storage. Cheryl neglected to pick up her films. Next Cheryl heard from her ob-gyn that he was leaving his practice and moving to California. In 2007, Cheryl was now without a gynecologist and any record of her history.

Finally in September 2007 she found a new doctor, and after 18 months, had her long overdue mammogram. She did not stay for the radiologist to read her film. About a week later she was asked to return for another round of films and to bring her last set of films with her. Cheryl now made her trek to the Boston Medical Center.

Spring 2008, Cheryl while undergoing treatment

By the time the cancer was diagnosed it had spread outside of the ducts and into her lymph nodes, local advanced (or Stage IIIb). Her surgeon feared that the cancer may have spread to an inoperable lymph node, but as Cheryl put it, “Only by the grace of God and sheer luck did I dodge that bullet. I never dreamed that I would be grateful to have  a Stage 3 breast cancer diagnosis, but the reality is that once the cancer spreads, the road to wellness is that much longer and tougher!”

She is extremely fortunate that the cancer did not metastasize to other parts of her body. Cheryl paid a price for her lax approach to her health care. She endured nearly a year of grueling treatment and surgeries to reach a stage where there was “no evidence of cancer.”

Cheryl continues to be on a medication regimen that produces a wide range of side effects and in January 2010, she underwent a bilaterial DIEP flap reconstructive surgery.  She tries very hard not to let herself worry about recurrence, although the thought persists in the back of her mind. Cheryl remains committed to practicing her affirmations and self-hypnosis exercises on a daily basis.

Friends Helped Cheryl’s Healing Process

Throughout her cancer experience and beyond, Cheryl has leaned on her circle of wonderful, supportive, devoted friends. “I like to think that I am a very good friend to have and that I give a great deal to those I care about. So when I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2008, you might say it was karma that all of that giving was returned to me in spades.”

At first it was difficult for Cheryl to be the recipient and not the giver, but as she continued on her difficult journey she learned one of the most important lessons about healing. “You have to put yourself at the top of the list during this critical time. Everyone needs to feel needed and I think it was helpful to people who were closest to me to be able to ‘do’ something and not feel so helpless.” Cheryl feels fortunate that she is the type of person able to reach out and ask for help when she needs it. “I think it’s because I don’t feel as though I’m imposing – I feel as though I’m offering an opportunity to help me and then I will return the favor. It’s a give-and-take, which most friendships are.”

Cheryl and friends, July 2008 before surgery

Everyone who knows Cheryl has heard her say, “No one survives cancer (or any illness or trauma) alone. It is a team effort – you need the support of family and friends. You need to gather a good medical team, one that you trust and feel comfortable and confident in. You need to have faith, hope and trust in people whom you have never even met.”

One of Cheryl’s most cherished memories is after she came home from her mastectomy; she noticed her front yard looked rather neglected. She loves gardening and had begun a project in her front yard before her surgery. A week after her return home, a group of her friends came over unsolicited and completed the job.  “Every time I stood up to do something they all shouted, ‘Sit down, Cheryl!’” She has no doubt in her mind that part of the reason she had such a great outcome from her cancer diagnosis was due to the love and care she received from so many loving friends.

Cheryl tries to express her gratitude whenever possible. “Whenever I hear of someone being diagnosed with breast cancer now, I reach out and help them understand and get through this difficult time. Before this disease touched me, I never knew what to say or do. Now I feel like I can make a significant difference in the lives of others. It feels like it has become part of my mission in life.” Cheryl occasionally experiences some dark days, but she does what she can to maintain a positive outlook and the belief that she will survive and flourish.

Healing Herself and Making a Difference

Cheryl with Maxine and Janet, 2007

Now she is trying to get to year five when she jumps into a much better statistical survival pool. For now, Cheryl is very proud of her role as a breast cancer survivor and advocate for good health for women. “That is one reason why I have stayed very involved at the Virginia Thurston Healing Garden, which is an extraordinary place for women undergoing cancer treatment. Besides serving on a committee for a fundraiser in 2009, I took part in their annual walk to raise money last October. I raised the most funds as a single walker. This year I hope to put together a team to walk there, and at the Making Strides event on the Esplanade.”

Cheryl currently gives inspirational talks at special events for AstraZeneca, including the 2009 Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  “It was one of the thrills of my life the first time I stood before 4,000 people and told my story.” She also participated in two science days for AstraZeneca, once with her oncologist, and once with one of her heroes in the breast cancer wars, Jacqueline Pimentel. Jacqueline lost her battle with cancer but Cheryl learned a great deal from her about maintaining a loving spirit and never succumbing to the disease. “Her expression NGUNGI! never give up, never give in, has been a rallying cry for many of us survivors.”

Cheryl with close friends Melanie and Linda

Friends and family encouraged Cheryl to endure her cancer fight, and their relentless support gives her the strength to carry on. “So if anyone asks me, do I think friendship is a key component to healing? The answer is unequivocally, yes!”

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “’To have a friend you have to be a friend.” That seems to be Cheryl’s motto for life.

Getting a difficult medical diagnosis is challenging at best. Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote extensively about the five stages of grief that accompanies the experience of loss. Although her work originally described the reaction to the death of a loved one, the same cycle applies to those experiencing health issues requiring surgical intervention.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s Five Stages of Grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Please God make this not happen and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad or down to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

This is a simplistic model of what any of us experience when we are struck with a tough reality that we need to integrate into our consciousness. The process of getting a difficult diagnosis or dealing with any loss issue is considerably messier and less predictable than the one Kubler Ross describes. Nevertheless all of these five stages appear eventually on the horizon of one’s experience.

Learning about a difficult medical diagnosis can be challenging, but like most things, being prepared makes the process a lot less daunting.

How to prepare for surgery and manage post-operatively:

• Keep a positive attitude. People who are facing surgery undoubtedly experience fear, worry and anxiety. Keeping a positive attitude can help lessen those emotions. Write a few affirmations pertaining to your surgery and repeat them often. Focus on a positive outcome. When your mind wanders away from a positive outcome, give it a gentle nudge back. Peggy Huddleston illuminates mind-body techniques that help patients mentally prepare for surgery and in turn, heal faster.

• Use meditation as an effective tool to mentally prepare for surgery and to handle difficult situations after surgery. When meditating focus your thoughts on breathing, calmness, and healing.

• Talk about your fears and apprehension with a relative or friend. Verbalizing your feelings can make a profound difference on your inner experience, even when nothing changes externally. A partner or friend you can talk with openly and honestly will diminish the intensity of complicated feelings around a surgery.

• Rely on your faith. If you are religious put your trust in God and leave the surgery in His/Her hands. Ask family members and friends to pray for you during the surgery and afterwards for a full and speedy recovery. Even if they do not share your religious beliefs you can still derive benefits from other’s prayers. Have faith in the surgeon’s ability as well as your body’s ability to heal.

• Consult with your physician regarding any concerns you have about your health condition or the surgery. He/she can answer any questions you may have and help to alleviate your fears. Your physician will understand your feelings and will be happy to reassure you in any way possible.

• Surround yourself with loving, supportive people. You may feel like keeping your upcoming surgery to yourself but it may actually be best to share the information with friends and co-workers. If they are aware of your health condition and surgery they will no doubt support, encourage you, and offer their assistance to help you and/or your family. Knowing that you have people who love and care for you can be the best preparation.

• Get informed. Learn everything you can about your health condition and the surgical procedure. Being informed is being prepared.

• Talk to other people that you trust who have had the same surgery. Glean from those conversations kernels of information that might be of value to you while keeping in mind that no two people experience a surgery in the same way.

What strategies do you employ to get through periods of grief and anxiety?

While taking one of my favorite bikram yoga classes, my teacher came along and slowly nudged me into a deeper position. Ordinarily I like to move at my own pace and I don’t allow anyone to move my body into position. I know my body better than anyone and I figure it’s been serving me well all these years, so I generally choose to go at my own speed.

This one evening I dragged myself to class after sitting for hours in my office. The instructor made her way around the room. “Breathe” she said, “I think you can go deeper still.” I took slow measured breaths and on the exhalation, tried letting go. She placed her hands gently on my back and hips and told me I could still go deeper.

Against my better judgment I breathed deeply again giving in to her now firm pressure on my back and hip. Suddenly my body rebelled and simply could go no further. My breathing strained. I could barely speak and yet the pressure of her hands against my body continued. The words did not come. I groaned and prayed for the release, which finally came. Since that defining moment, my life forevermore changed.

Limping out of the class I convinced myself that ice and rest would heal this unfamiliar pain: ice, heat, physical therapy, acupuncture, swimming. Nothing helped avert the aching sensation. Several months later it became apparent that surgical intervention was needed. The first surgery was minimally invasive and while it was deemed a success, I still could not walk without pain and a severe limp. All the while the degeneration in my hip continued. The cascade of events from the firm pressure in my yoga class to the rapid deterioration of my hip joint became a ghoulish nightmare that could not be exorcised.

Several weeks ago, I underwent a total left hip replacement and am now in the throes of managing the pain from this drastic intervention and learning how to walk again. Many lessons have been learned, some too dark to put into words just yet. But for now I can share that feeling out of control with my own body leaves me breathless and terrified. Relying on others to take care of my most intimate needs made me feel hopeless and helpless at times.

Fortunately, I spent my life understanding the mind/body connection and had at my disposal an armory of tools and strategies to help me through the darkest and most humiliating moments. I made myself practice what I preach and meditated, routinely said my affirmations and most importantly, surrounded myself with loving and supportive friends and family whenever possible.

People tell me I will be ‘bionic’ when the recovery is complete. I see myself as having dramatically raised my consciousness about the experience of pain, the limitations in the real world imposed on the disabled, and the humbling reality at needing to be cared for by others. For years I had the good fortune of feeling strong and healthy and think I will again soon, but one thing I know for sure is no one is exempt. And no one is bionic.

When have you had to overcome adversity? Did you have to rely on others to succeed? If so, how did that make you feel?

If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Women of all ages want and need to come together. When women discover the thread that connects them to each other, they are invariably strengthened and better armed for the challenges and transitions of life. Most women in their fifties have discovered the importance of friendships and support systems.

They want to expand their horizons, yet they are savvy and often worldly. They want to boost their happiness factor even though they live vital and joyful lives. Recently I was asked to write for Vibrant Nation. Vibrant Nation is a website community devoted to smart, independent, successful women age 50+ looking for ways to find mutual support. More than 80,000 women subscribe to the vibrantnation.com website.

Vibrant Nation offers a wealth of information and reflects the passion with which women want to share and connect. Each voice brings experience, richness, authenticity and usually a healthy dose of humor. Some of the topics covered on this site include sexuality, philanthropic world travel, people and politics, friendship, mind–body–spirit, health and beyond.

A compelling aspect of Vibrant Nation is the sense of community you feel once you subscribe. The conversations immediately grab your attention. Women coming together to support each other at any phase of life bring joy and vibrancy to their respective communities.

The secret is to find those communities that speak to you in meaningful ways. I have discovered that sense of community in my coaching groups, writing circle, mah jong club, and my ‘posse’ that comes together to celebrate each other on every possible occasion.

We need to build connection into our daily lives to live in greater balance and harmony. Without sharing experiences and our stories with each other, we are left to feel alone in dealing with life’s demands. The goal is to remain vibrant throughout all the decades of our lives. We need our tribes, communities, girlfriends, support systems – whatever you choose to call it, to live our happiest and most fulfilling lives.

Who are your supportive communities and how do they make you vibrant?

Physical activity has always been a saving grace for me. As a teenager I loved swimming in the summers and running along the beach with my dog whenever I could.

One day while meandering through the Brooklyn College bookstore I discovered a book on the practice of yoga. As I read that book, gleaning various breathing techniques and dynamic postures, something clicked. I learned to stretch and move through space while deepening my breath and gradually becoming more skilled at slowing down.

Growing up in NYC I knew that I needed to acquire some tools in harnessing my energy and exercising in a purposeful way. My yoga practice seemed to bridge the gap between exercise and mindfulness.

Over time, I alternated brisk walking with the occasional run. My body, in time, rebelled against anything but modest running but I remained faithful to walking. During the kinder New England weather I continue to swim and bike. Even when I skip days or occasionally weeks, I always manage my way back to exercising. I am grateful for having incorporated these physical activities into my life, as they have always served me well psychologically and physically.

The dilemma for me is not how do I motivate myself to work out, but rather what to do to boost my spirits if I cannot break a sweat and feel the multitude of benefits that I derive from movement.

Facing an injury has an emotional impact

Recently I suffered an injury for which I ended up needing surgery. Several months have elapsed since I have been able to do my usual routine, which I’ve come to rely upon for stabilizing my moods, energy, concentration and, dare I say, sense of self. Physical exercise puts so many things into perspective for me, that it is hard to identify all the ways I have recently been blindsided due to my lack of activity.

The question is what does one do, when there is an injury, surgery or disability and when one cannot resort to the powerful benefits of this elixir.

“No exercise,” the doctor ordered. This did not completely sink in until after the surgery. “We’ll see how things go in a few weeks.” My heart sank. At first I thought I’d just stay in bed, write when possible, and in a week I would get back to my routine. Toughing out the depravation of those “feel good chemicals” (serotonin, dopamine and epinephrine) through lack of exercise wouldn’t be that challenging. I quickly learned that the healing process would take longer than anticipated and that I needed help.

7 important lessons for feeling good when you’re unable to exercise.

1. When you are injured and/or bedridden, ask friends for help, especially from the ones that make you laugh and feel good. Laughter and good energy from friends releases those feel good chemicals.
2. Allow your wonderful friends and neighbors to help with meals. I don’t like to ask for help, but I’ve learned it vastly beats the alternative. When you ask you not only get the help needed, but it is generally fun. The giver and the receiver both benefit.
3. Remind yourself to say and repeat affirmations, because whatever you are going through will improve and you will feel better with a positive mental attitude.
4. Watch movies that make you feel good and laugh. Laughter also boosts your immune system and will help you to heal faster.
5. Write in a gratitude journal all the things in your day that you appreciate. This will keep you out of the darker place of feeling sorry for yourself, especially while you can’t work out, blow off steam and are dependent on others.
6. Several minutes of meditation 1-2x day will help you to relax and put things into perspective. Sometimes an injury and being laid up give you the opportunity to rethink priorities.
7. Allow your body to relax, rest and sleep. You’ll heal faster and feel more charged when the time is right for a gradual transition back into physical activity. In other words, do everything you can to honor your body, mind, spirit and friendships during the healing process.

What do you do to manage most successfully during those times when you can not exercise?

Jennifer transforms feelings of loneliness into an opportunity for greater self-care and connection with women friends. She didn’t even realize the depth of her isolation and depression until we started talking about her typical daily routine.

A forty–one year old mother of two pre-teen girls, Jennifer is more of a planner and caretaker than the warm and fuzzy sort. Jennifer dutifully takes her daughters to school, music and skating lessons and assorted play dates. She routinely does the laundry, grocery shopping and prepares the family meals. Jennifer take her job as homemaker seriously and carefully analyzes the best ways of handling her multitude of responsibilities.

She came to see me because she “…felt lonely, bored and often sad.” Jennifer knew that everything she did revolved around the needs of her family. She admitted that she did very little to take care of herself. When we first met I observed that her clothes were wrinkled and mismatched. Tousled hair hid much of her face. She slouched on the couch and spoke in soft, terse sentences while fighting back tears.

Not used to talking about her feelings or herself, Jennifer encouraged me to ask her questions. My first inquiry was about her friends. “Who do you spend time with?” I asked. Jennifer looked perplexed and told me she had no time for friends. The only person she opened up to was her cousin Julie who lived in Philadelphia, six hours away. They usually spoke about once a week, but lately they were connecting less because of Julie’s new job.

“Is there anyone else you talk to locally?”

Jennifer began to cry. She confessed to being an introvert. Her husband was the social one in her family and essentially he interfered with her chances of getting to know anyone. “He is the life of the party and always takes over. I feel like there is no one drawn to me. Why would they be? He’s so appealing and I can hardly find the words to say what I’m thinking or feeling. I always feel so vulnerable and irrelevant.”

I wanted to know more about Jennifer but I thought the first order of business was for us to establish a bond. Then I needed to leave her with tools that she could implement right away.

We discussed the skill of walking meditation which combines abdominal breathing with slow, mindful walking. Jennifer lived near some conservation land where she could practice the walking meditation. I thought this practice would help her to be more in the present moment, add some movement into her life and get her away from the usual household and shopping routine. In high school she had been a cross country runner, but felt like she no longer had the time to indulge in running or working out. The walks were meant to be reflective, but also to ignite the pleasure center associated with outdoor activity.

The following weeks, as our connection grew stronger, Jennifer continued to talk about her life. She noticed that she felt less depressed but the loneliness still felt pervasive. Jennifer did not want to talk about the relationship with her husband just yet. She felt that she was better off not exploring their marriage, especially since she was not willing to leave him and did not want to dredge up her complicated feelings about him.

Instead, we spoke again about her friendships. Nothing much had changed in that realm. Jennifer and I discussed the ways in which her life would improve if she invited more women friends into her life. Her shyness ran interference with her ability to connect, so we needed to explore ways of overcoming her lack of confidence. I suggested she commit to making a phone call a day to the women she knew from the various car pools or the women friends she knew through the couples her husband befriended. Jennifer reluctantly agreed.

The following week I encouraged Jennifer to begin keeping a gratitude journal of 3-5 positive experiences she had daily. A good cup of coffee, a conversation with a friend, a nap, or anything she liked, regardless of how minor, could be counted. This practice developed Jennifer’s sense of appreciation for everyday pleasures. She was on board for the gratitude journal.

Several weeks later, Jennifer shared that for the first time in years her sense of isolation was lifting. She met a neighbor while out walking and they decided to join ranks and walk. Over the course of the next couple of months they began walking and talking several times weekly. Jennifer also walked on alternate days with another woman she knew through carpooling.

Jennifer felt a greater sense of connection with women friends. She was taking better care of herself physically and psychologically. Her children and husband noticed the positive changes. Everything else seemed more manageable as Jennifer gained a greater sense of balance and happiness in her life.

What do you do to stay connected with others and care for yourself?

Sandy just underwent a mastectomy followed by reconstructive surgery for breast cancer. When she returned home, she put on her JILLIE® and wore the cozy 100% cotton garment throughout her recuperation. “It was soft and feminine and made me feel better, less like a patient,” she said. “The Velcro made access to my post-surgical areas easily accessible, too. Knowing the company was founded by two women touched by breast cancer and that their mission was to help women like me felt especially inspiring.”

Great ideas sometimes come from life’s most difficult experiences. JILLIES came to fruition as the result of a wonderful friendship between two women with a passion to make a difference in the lives of women undergoing breast cancer treatment and recovery.

Lauren Penn and Margie Schultz Lipshutz immediately gravitated towards each other when their children were in elementary school. They planned  family vacations together and regular couples nights out. Lauren and Margie shared the joys and challenges of everyday life. Their friendship and deep regard for one another is evident as soon as you meet them.

They said they had always wanted to work together in some capacity, although at the time they had no idea what that might be.

When they first met Margie had just started a small specialty catering business. She previously worked in the nonprofit health care field with a research team collecting and analyzing data from cancer patients. Margie considered health care as her vocation and cooking her creative outlet. However, as her children grew she wanted to be available to them, but without a ‘real job’ she felt that something was missing in her life.

Margie’s Career and Life Experiences

Woman having MammogramMargie’s interest in cancer research emerged from the complications and treatment around her mother’s breast cancer. Back in the early 1980’s, “My mother was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer when she was 46 years old, when breast cancer was considered a disease of the aged. She discovered it early and fortunately found a surgeon who was one of the pioneers of breast conserving surgery. My mother was one of the first women to have a lumpectomy instead of a mastectomy followed by radiation therapy. At that time illnesses, such as cancer, were rarely discussed so there was very little conversation in our house regarding what my mother was going through. There was no professional support for my mother’s or our family’s emotional needs,” Margie explained. Her mother managed her treatment alone, remaining stoic and silent about her experiences throughout.Margie’s way of handling this difficult time was to assume the responsibility of cooking the family dinners. She desperately wanted everything to feel normal, even though her world had been turned upside down. Unspoken anxiety dominated their family on and off over the next decade.

Margie said, “The emotional part of having cancer was not in the forefront back then. The focus was on the science. Even with my knowledge of the research, I had no idea of how my mother would fare both physically and emotionally during her treatment.

“The ongoing persistence and dedication by physicians, scientists, researchers, and patients have led us to where we are today. The good news is that the great strides made over the past 25 years in the early detection, diagnosis, and treatments for breast cancer have led to so many women living full and happy lives despite their disease. My mother is a 27 year survivor and going strong!”

“Currently the number of women living with breast cancer is unprecedented. The emphasis of research and care weighs heavily on the medical side, which of course, is of the utmost importance. However, there are emotional, physical, and daily life issues that women, as patients, have to deal with. The information available to assist in these areas is often sparse and hard to find. This is where JILLIES comes into to play,” Margie said.

Lauren’s Career and Life Experiences

Lauren considered herself a career person with ambitious goals and had a successful professional career in the marketing industry. She hadn’t placed much importance on marrying and having a family until at age 31, a special man walked into her life. He had just recently separated from his wife with whom he had three young children.

Their courtship continued throughout his complicated divorce and almost two years later they married. Lauren worked demanding jobs until John’s ex-wife chose to move to Florida taking with her their eldest daughter, while giving the two younger children to them.

After some time, Lauren decided to put her career on hold and focus on pulling the family together. “The kids were traumatized by their mother’s departure and we needed to focus on them and their well being above all else. I couldn’t do my work and raise these children. Someone had to take care and make this family work. Within a few years the eldest daughter who was living in Florida with her mother decided she wanted to live with them as well.

Three women model JILLIES

Lauren’s Personal Experience with Breast Cancer

Lauren noticed a lump in her breast when she was 41. Her doctor reassured her it was nothing worrisome. A month later she went for a mammogram and was told that they needed to biopsy the small mass.

“I knew something was wrong. I had a lot of experience dealing with cancer. My mother is the survivor of three different types of cancer, including breast cancer She’s a very strong woman and has been through the trenches. As a teen and young adult I watched my mother deal with each diagnosis and treatment with strength, dignity and complete resolve. Although I worked out, ate healthy and tried to life a healthy lifestyle, I couldn’t control my genetic makeup. Thankfully we caught the cancer in an early stage.”

“I felt so out of control during those months between the realities at home and now breast cancer.” Telling her story, Lauren’s face flushed. She fought back the tears and sat quietly until the wave of sadness passed. Margie too sat in silence.

Lauren then shared that she needed to feel some semblance of control through this process. When she learned that the radiologist would be tattooing her to map out the sites that needed radiation, she decided to use her voice.

She explained, “You can have a say in your treatment and can choose to chart your own course.” In short order she found a radiologist that was willing to map out the sites using ink that could eventually be removed without invasive procedures. In another instance, when she questioned the size of the field being mapped out for radiation therapy, the doctor agreed that the site did not need to be so large and re-mapped the treatment area.

The treatment went remarkably well, even though Lauren was forewarned about numerous potential side effects. “The only time I felt sick was when I entered the hospital for treatment and had to put on that johnny.” Lauren chose to change in the treatment room, refusing to sit in the waiting room feeling like a cancer patient. She said, “I needed to do this for my own dignity and sense of self. Sitting in the co-ed waiting room with a johnny on made me feel uncomfortable and exposed. I knew this was a time I needed to take care of myself and listen carefully to my inner voice. The doctors were surprisingly cooperative.”

Margie and Lauren often talked about some of the frustrations of being a patient. Lauren’s husband did not like the fact that she had challenged some of the routine treatment procedures or that she was vocal with her feelings about her medical care. Lauren knew for her recovery, she had to reclaim her life and follow her own instincts. “It was my nature to challenge the status quo that lead me take action on behalf of other breast cancer patients. Margie shared my vision. In our small way, we believe we can make a difference,” Lauren said.

Inspiration turns into a mission and the creation of JILLIES

Their mission became making women feel more empowered as they went through their treatment protocols. One wintry afternoon they came up with a design for a feminine garment women could wear during cancer treatment. They met with people in the fashion, fabric and medical worlds and came up with the “JILLIE.”

JILLIES are beautiful, luxurious, feminine garments, made of 100% cotton in a pale blush color. They are perfectly suited for women undergoing breast cancer treatment and mammograms. Lauren and Margie have been introducing and donating JILLIES to breast care facilities around the New England area. They are now distributing and selling these beautiful garments nationwide and sell them on their website as well.

Lauren offered, “Of course finding a cure is paramount. However we feel we can help women in the midst of this tremendously challenging time feel better during their ordeal. Feeling good in the face of treatment helps the healing process. JILLIES are one tangible way of allowing women to feel more dignified, comfortable and feminine.”

Lauren and Margie both faced their own struggles, but came together in their inspired mission to make a difference in the lives of women dealing with breast cancer. Margie added, “We’re challenging the medical community to do a better job, to better understand the woman attached to those breasts. The concept and realization of JILLIES is just the beginning.” They also want to promote groups for women who have undergone treatment and are waiting for their six month follow-up visit with their oncologist. Margie and Lauren both agreed that this is a particularly difficult time for women. This lull between treatment and follow-up can be a time riddled with questions, uncertainty and anxiety. Their website is filled with resources and information to help women with breast cancer.

JILLIES Garment

Margie and Lauren are two extraordinary women making a positive difference in the lives of women as they face a breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and beyond. They both know from witnessing the impact of breast cancer that research alone is not enough. Women need support, and a sense of empowerment and dignity. Margie and Lauren are committed to helping women gain balance and feel better as they forge ahead during this challenging time of their lives.

But they are only two in number and the needs are great. They have put their own personal funds to establish this non-profit organization and manufacture the garments. “We hope to find individuals and corporations who see the value in our mission and are willing to provide the funding necessary to outfit all breast cancer patients with their own JILLIE and other support to make living with the disease a bit easier,” stated Lauren.

Learn more about Lauren and Margie along with their mission and products by visiting their website at www.jillies.com

*What are JILLIES?

“JILLIES was created from a passion to stand up and conquer issues around breast cancer. This is not about what happens with medical care, but what comes up in daily life, the day to day routines that may be altered because of breast cancer. JILLIES is here to help by giving resources and tips on many of the non-medical concerns women with breast cancer have. We are committed to helping make a small difference in the treatment experience for breast cancer by designing a garment called the JILLIE, as a replacement for the standard hospital Johnnie. The JILLIE is for women only and provides the comfort, privacy and style that are missing from standard hospital garments. Our hopes are to help make the diagnosis, treatment, and living with breast cancer a bit less stressful and a lot more comfortable. We hope you find JILLIES information, links, and garments useful.”