If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of abuse.

Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own families of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often look for partners they can dominate, reenacting this pattern of behavior.

That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.

So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?

Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on implementing behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse

• Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
• Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
• Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
• Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
• Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
• Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.

What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse? Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.

Abuse is any behavior that is used to control or quash another human being with fear, humiliation, manipulation, intimidation, guilt, criticism etc. Emotional abuse employs verbal and psychological tactics rather than physical ones. Sometimes it can be blatant while other times it can be quite subtle and hard to detect. Chronic devaluing and shaming gradually tugs away at the victim’s psyche leaving long-lasting, sometimes lifelong scars. The abused feels worthless and deserving of this torment. Usually the victim’s greatest fears are being lonely and unloved.

At sixteen years of age, Jenny did not understand why her father called her a “whore”, “slut”, and “tramp.” Her virginity was intact. Sometimes she flirted with boys like the other girls, but never did anything beyond kissing them. She wondered if sleeping with a boy would make her a bad person.

Her father also exhibited dramatic mood swings that left Jenny terrorized and uncertain about what would happen next. He sometimes displayed great affection towards her, but at other times, became enraged and rejected her.  Jenny’s frustration over her father’s name-calling and mood swings grew over time. She felt violated, yet was afraid to speak back to him and communicate her insecurity. Jenny hated herself for not standing up to him. Her mother also feared the father’s abuse and neglected to defend her daughter. Jenny a once bouncy, effervescent little girl, began feeling hopeless and expressed learned helplessness in her teenage years. She was losing her life force. Over time she developed an eating disorder, which became her cry for help.

Some common forms of emotional abuse:

• neglect
• rejection
• isolation
• demands/criticism
• being ignored
• threatened
• domination
• verbal assaults
• unpredictable behaviors

Because emotional abuse can so easily occur behind closed doors, it is often difficult to identify. If children are consistently exposed to emotional abuse at home, they may think the behavior is normal. An emotionally abused child has not necessarily witnessed the way a healthy home environment operates.

Some signs and symptoms of emotional abuse with children and adults:

• anxiety
• difficulty with intimate relationships
• constantly seeking approval and affirmation
• feeling different from others
• judging themselves harshly
• lying without apparent reason
• depression
• low self-esteem
• guilty feelings
• isolation
• sense of shame
• feeling unlovable
• mood shifts
• substance abuse
• self-abuse
• extreme neediness
• suicidal ideation or attempts

The cycle of emotional abuse: tension and anger increases, there is some explosive incident, followed by a reconciliation and finally a period of calm.

How do you think someone you care about can break the cycle of abuse?

Please stay tuned for Part 3 about some ways to break the cycle of abuse.

Emotional abuse is behavior that controls and manipulates another person through fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt and coercion. The victim’s feelings, needs, thoughts and desires are trivialized and made to seem inconsequential in comparison to the needs of the abuser.

Ellen’s husband, Mike, yelled obscenities at her after she forgot to pick up his dry cleaning. He told her that she was lazy and stupid. When he found her treating herself to chocolate for dessert, after she single-handedly cleared the dinner table and cleaned the dishes, he would go on a tirade about her weight and disgusting appearance. Mike would say, “Why can’t you look as sexy as the other women? I’m ashamed to be seen with you. I deserve better than this.” She would cry and sometimes that made him stop, other times it egged him on.

When I met Ellen, my first impressions were that she was petite and shy. It took her several sessions to start talking about some of Mike’s tantrums and nasty comments. She felt like she was betraying him. None of Ellen’s friends knew anything about Mike’s behind-the-scenes abusive behavior. To them he seemed quite charming and charismatic. Ellen felt alone and deeply ashamed.

She did not know how to go about changing the dynamic of their relationship. They had three children aged four through nine and Ellen refused to compromise their “beautiful family.” She began to internalize her husband’s malicious comments and toxic behavior and developed a sense of self-blame. She was at a crossroads and did not know how to make things better.

She shared, “It wasn’t always this way. Mike was loving and indulgent with me the first few years we were together. It’s the stress of his business and the demands of our family that gets him frustrated and angry. We were so in love back then. Even now after he yells at me, I know he feels guilty. Sometimes he brings me a beautiful piece of jewelry or gift after a fight, because I know he feels so bad.”

At first Ellen did not think of herself as being emotionally abused. She felt deeply saddened and shamed by Mike’s comments as well as guilty for not being able to appease him. She convinced herself that if she could only learn to get things right, their relationship would improve.

Emotional abuse is a kind of “brainwashing” which systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth and trust in their own perceptions. Constant berating and belittling cuts to the core of the victim and destroys her ability to see things clearly and to perceive a true sense of self.

Often a victim becomes so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself, as did Ellen, for the abuse. In an attempt to justify her husband’s actions and rationalize his ruthless behavior, Ellen drew all of the responsibility away from her guilty spouse, enabling the nasty criticisms to continue. It is not unusual in these circumstances for the victim to then cling to her abuser.

Emotional abuse leaves no physical scars or broken bones. Still its’ victims experience it as perhaps the most powerful and deeply injurious form of abuse.

What have you witnessed as the impact of emotional abuse?

How do you suggest dealing with this kind of suffering?