Julia, a dental assistant in a local dentist’s office has a distinct twinkle in her eye that never fails to light up a room. That is, until February hits. Something happens in the cold, dark months in New England that slowly builds within Julia. Perhaps it is Seasonal Affective Disorder, although she has never been formally diagnosed. It’s as if she hits the wall for the midwinter months and then by late in April she slowly begins to emerge from her cocoon. Julia is in good company with those among us coming undone in February and suffering from the “winter blues.”

Holidays well behind us now, the snow plows this year in perpetual motion, a general malaise seems to have settled throughout New England. Unless you’ve managed to get up to ski country, it’s easy to go into hiding. The roads are difficult to navigate and who wants to leave the warmth and safety of their abodes, unless it is to bask in the sun some place far, far away.

What I observe in my office and among my friends is that this is the time of year when depression typically sets in for many – with or without Seasonal Affective Disorder. Complaints like lethargy, flu-like symptoms, lack of concentration, weight gain, stress, anxiety and increased pain issues abound.

It takes determination and commitment to win the battle against the “winter blues,” but it can be done. Taking certain proactive steps can counteract the doldrums and despondency that this season sometimes brings.

Here are ten strategies that are guaranteed to guide you back to a place of balance, well-being and heightened energy.

1. Start your day with a positive affirmation. Create a simple, positive statement that resonates with you about yourself, your family, or your work that you can resort to as you move through the day. Remember your higher purpose, rather than focusing on the annoyances of the day. Think about the big picture. For example, “I feel balanced, blessed and happy.” When negative thoughts come up, reframe them with a more optimistic perspective. Positivity is a skill that can be learned with regular practice.

2. Build exercise into your day: a brisk walk, floor exercises, a swim, dancing in the living room, watching a yoga tape, visiting the gym. Movement will keep you warm as you feel good energy flowing.

3. Practice a meditation or relaxation exercise. Ten to twenty minutes of meditation or relaxation changes you psychologically and physiologically. It’s one of the most concentrated actions you can take to feeling more centered, focused and happier. If you don’t want to meditate, then build in some extra down time, since the winter can be more demanding on your body physically.

4. Spend some time with a friend(s). If you cannot get together physically, then catch up with a friend on the phone, skype or some form of social media. Face-to-face contact is best, but connecting via any mode of communication trumps isolation. You might also consider enlisting a friend’s support in following through with some of these strategies.

5. Maintain a healthy diet. White sugar and white flour products can seem quite comforting on these dark and cold days. However, foods that are devoid of nutrients tend to zap your energy level and can affect your mood and ability to concentrate. It is better to stabilize your blood sugar levels and go for the fruits, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, lots of water and foods rich in Vitamin D.

6. Get sunshine whenever possible. Try to get some sunshine (again Vitamin D) and fresh air when possible. Sunlight releases neurotransmitters, which positively affect mood and feelings of well-being. On sunny days you might consider cranking up the heat in the car and keeping the sunroof open, even if just for a few minutes at a time; the cold air can be quite exhilarating.

7. Embrace the beauty of the winter season. Perhaps take up snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, downhill skiing or buy crampons for the bottom of your shoes so that you can safely walk outside. Once you find a way to enjoy the season, you will find it not only easier to tolerate, but you may begin to appreciate the magnificence of a cold, crisp wintry day!

8. Make a fire at home and get cozy. If you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace, make a ritual of snuggling up with a book or game with friends or family and enjoy the cozy time. You can relax and not feel as pressured to be outside as sometimes happens when there’s warm weather in New England.

9. Engage in flow activities. Flow activities are any activities that you find pleasurable in which you lose track of time. For example: singing, dancing, painting, yoga, writing, long walks, nature, photography, connecting with friends. These activities help enliven the spirit and bring you back into a state of equilibrium and happiness.

10. Focus on the big picture. What are your priorities? Are you moving forward with the realization of your priorities? Everyday that you put energy into A-list goals and don’t fritter the time away sweating the small stuff, you bring yourself a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Finding balance and happiness is about making your day, even in the dead of winter, by combining all of the elements that make you feel good physically, psychologically, and spiritually.

What do you do to take pleasure out of the winter months?

What Women Need Coaching Groups are facilitated forums in which women support each other in managing life’s challenges and transitions. Women gathering in these groups invariably create an atmosphere of sharing, laughter, inspiration and guidance.

The WWN Coaching Group is about creating your vision and turning possibilities into realities. The conversations that take place and the quality of the connections, propel members into identifying and realizing goals and dreams.

The idea is for every woman to receive specific feedback and strategies from me and group members about the personal or professional issues she presents. This is an opportunity for you to meet other women who are coming together to expand their support system and realize their potential.

What Women Need Coaching Groups are a great way to connect, learn and laugh with other unique and motivated women.

Some of the words women have used to describe how they felt in WWN Coaching Groups: “inspired… energized… connected… motivated… recharged… optimistic… strengthened… enlivened… happier…”

If you want to recommend other women for the group please contact me. Each WWN Coaching Group will meet monthly and will consist of 8-10 participants.

Groups meet in Wayland. Tea and light yummy snacks will be served. Sessions begin promptly at 7 p.m. I hope you will be able to join what promises to be a dynamic atmosphere with a wonderful group of women.

Registration

To register please email me at Randy@DrRKG.com. Each three-hour gathering costs $125. You can use the registration form below. The next group will begin on December 7, 2010.

The group will meet one time monthly for 6 months. Participants need to make a commitment for a minimum of 6 sessions for flow, continuity and maximum benefit.

Individual coaching sessions are also available upon request.

Let me know if you are in!

Hope to see you on the 7th.

Years ago I conducted workshops and seminars to physicians at the Boston University School of Medicine. The well-attended meetings were about “Who Takes Care of the Physician?” This subject continues to warrant attention, however I’ve come to realize that nurses, aides, home health care providers and our reliable family members, also need to be cared for. They too need tools for their own self-care during these stressful times.

Of course the primary focus is on the sick or post-operative patient, but little attention is paid to the family members that are in the trenches day in and day out with their loved ones. The responsibilities thrust upon the spouses and children can be not only overwhelming, but disorienting and exhausting.

Effects on Family Members

• Fear of the unknown; fear that the family member may never be the same
• Guilt over whether there might have been something you could have done to prevent your family member’s diagnosis
• Helplessness; feeling that there is nothing you can do to really make a difference
• Anxiety over whether the recovery will be sound and complete as possible
• Depression over family member’s inability to live her life the way she used to before the diagnosis
• Frustration about one’s own sleep deprivation, lack of control of one’s own time, and the litany of demands needed on the part of the patient – and shame with feeling the need to take care of the self when needed by the impaired loved one

Ways For Family Members to Manage Successfully while Care Taking:

• Know that recovery involves a partnership of the patient and caretaker.
• Share your feelings of frustration with a friend, loved one or, if appropriate, the person you are caring for.
• Share your positive feelings too, as in reminding the patient that you love him and are willing to do all that you can to help him.
• Get an education. This will help you be more patient, compassionate, and understanding. It will also prepare you for any physical or psychological changes your family member may have to endure.
• If you are not the primary caretaker make your visits short, positive and upbeat.
• Keeping in touch with friends and other family members enables you to get the moral and emotional support needed.
• Make time for yourself. Build in the coverage you need so that you can take breaks to rejuvenate and care for your own physical and psychological needs. Lose the guilt.  The timeout will make you a more effective and loving caretaker.

When have you had to be a caretaker? What psychological impact did the role have on you?

Tom Cruise’s character in Jerry Maguire pleads with his client, Rod “Help me. Help you.” I am reaching out to you, my community of readers, to do the same. Please help me, help you. I launched this blog with the intention of adding value to your lives and making a significant difference outside of my private practice’s  confidential setting. My vision is to make my website more relevant and engaging and I need your help.

Over the past thirty years I have treated adolescents and adults with post-traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, self-destructive behaviors, eating disorders, difficult transitions and complicated losses. I have also coached clients who were not necessarily encumbered with these challenges, and have helped them move forward in pursuit of their goals and dreams.

My wish at this time in my life as a senior psychologist and coach is to address the issues and concerns in your lives that are most meaningful to you.

Every one of us has dealt with some of the darker aspects of life. Some of us are fortunate enough to receive needed love and support during these difficult times. Others do not have these support systems quite where we need them to be. Whether you do or do not, there is always room for a deeper connection and understanding around the challenges in our lives. I encourage you to dig deep and tap into the areas in which you might need some help and answers.

Your comments by email, by phone, on my website and elsewhere have been fabulous. Still, I’ve been wanting to ramp up the relevance of my blog posts and make them come alive for you.

So I’m asking you to “Help me. Help you.” Tell me what subjects I can write about that would really add value to your life.

Loving communication in Ellen’s marriage seemed a thing of the past. Now Ellen stood at the brink of divorce with her husband of eighteen years. She desperately did not want to break up their family, especially because of the implications for their three children. Ellen felt controlled by her husband, Ken, and that his needs invariably came first. He provided well for the family, but the emptiness she felt when with him had become too much to bear.

Ellen ached for someone she could talk to and be intimate with in a loving way.

Conflict and crisis creates an opening in which couples in committed relationships can choose to resolve their long standing issues or they can call it quits. Ellen felt like the children would suffer greatly from the potential break up and encouraged Ken to join her in marital therapy. Not until she threatened to leave did Ken finally agree.

Communication in a committed relationship can be challenging, especially when you throw in the stresses of everyday life. Sometimes learning and incorporating vital communication strategies can help couples navigate through this difficult process.

10 Keys to Improving Communication with Your Partner

1. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listening is one of the most powerful steps you can take to become a better communicator and understand your partner more deeply. Most of us assume we know what the other will say, when we might be way off base. Your partner will feel cared for and less defensive if he/she feels truly heard.
2. Reframe what your partner shares with you to make sure that you understand the message and are not putting your own twist on what you think has been said.
3. Learn to tolerate your strong emotional responses, by practicing some breathing techniques or reminding yourself to stay calm and be in the moment. Learn some ways of relaxing so that you can incorporate those skills when conversations become heated.
4. Be compassionate. Think about the way you are saying things to your partner. Are you speaking in a manner that is respectful and that is likely to encourage communication? Communication is always a two-way street.
5. Bring your authentic self to the dialogue. Couples know when the other is being false and it breaks the communication down quickly.
6. Be flexible in the way you receive information from your partner and be willing to try different ways of doing things.
7. Plan weekly time alone, conversation and intimacy. No pressure to perform, just get in the habit of spending time together without children or electronics interfering. You may need outside support to make this happen.
8. Resolve conflicts fairly. No one wins unless both partners feel like they were treated fairly and got some of what they needed.
9. Forgive the transgressions and mistakes of your partner. The research shows that forgiveness is best for the health and well-being of the person doing the forgiving. Even when a situation cannot be resolved, it is good to forgive so that you can move on.
10. Schedule activities together that are fun and that encourage laughter. Remember what brought you together and build on the strengths of the relationship. It is also good to spend time with other couples that have healthy relationships and learn from their behaviors.

Ellen and Ken decided to do whatever they could to salvage their marriage. It continues to be a work in progress. They have agreed to consciously make the time and practice these communication strategies.

What do you think helps to strengthen a marriage or committed relationship?

Healthy relationships are one of the most important keys to gaining balance and happiness. Intimacy is the experience of belonging together. It embodies shared knowledge, experiences, sexual encounters, and memories. Cultivating intimacy is the best gift we can give to ourselves and our loved ones.

Intimacy is a basic human need like eating, breathing and sleeping. It adds to the quality of our lives and contributes to our health and longevity. Without intimacy we put ourselves at risk physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The most important ingredient to intimacy is great communication. The emotional part of intimacy stirs our hearts and souls. The physical manifestation is, of course, touching, snuggling and sex. Loving physical contact promotes feelings of well-being that can inspire and improve the relationship.

Strategies to Heighten Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Communicate authentic feelings through dialogue, transparency, reciprocity and even vulnerability
• Share fears, anxieties, losses, transitions, memories as well as joyful experiences and milestones
• Use terms of endearment for greater connection
• Practice relaxation exercises or routines to help slow down and create the mood for intimacy such as bathing, mindful walk, breathing exercises, meditation, constructive rest
• Make small gestures such as a gentle touch, a loving glance, holding hands
• Create romantic rituals that generate intimacy between you and your partner
• Build time into your schedule to create the space for intimacy
• Eliminate self criticism
• Communicate in a positive way, “When you do……, it feels really good!”
• Take care to let your partner know about your needs and help guide him or her to what feels good
• Experiment with new behaviors and approaches when both partners are feeling adventurous
• Re-define foreplay keeping in mind that women take almost 3 times longer than men to heat up
• Bring a sense of fun and adventure into your intimate time together

Lovers' feet

Some Benefits of a Healthy Sex Life

• Lowers heart rate and blood pressure, and reduces stress levels
• Improves blood flow to the brain and to all other organs. The deep breathing 
 and increased heart rate foster improved circulation
• Increases oxygenation to the body and diminishes fatigue
• Burns calories and provides a significant cardiovascular workout
• Strengthens pelvic floor muscles, which helps to prevent incontinence and heightens the experience of sexual pleasure
• Promotes sound sleep and facilitates feelings of intimacy due to the oxytocin released during orgasm and through physical contact
• Helps with pain management through the release of endorphins
• Protects the man against prostate cancer and reduces the risk of him suffering a heart attack and stroke by half
• Balances the immune system, diminishes depression, enhances cognition, promotes bone development, and maintains and repairs tissues

Cultivating intimacy provides a wide range of physical and psychological benefits. Most importantly this kind of special connection adds a richness and deep sense of belonging.

What can you do to create a more intimate relationship with your partner?

Remember those times when you felt lost and all alone. Maybe your relationship was on the rocks. Maybe you were sick and no one was around to take care of you. Perhaps you screwed up at work or that you were about to get downsized. Maybe you thought no one could possibly understand the pain and loss you were experiencing.

Then remarkably something happens. You contact a friend or vice versa. You accidentally run into someone you’ve been meaning to talk to. There is a connection. You share. You laugh. You cry. Suddenly you feel lighter, more in control and less overwhelmed. Healthy friendships are one of the most important keys for gaining balance and happiness throughout the life cycle. Friendships are enlivening, empowering, and at the core of happiness.

Studies have shown that good friendships:

• Enhance quality of life
• Fortify physical and psychological health
• Increase longevity
• Strengthen resiliency
• Promote optimism and positive moods
• Alleviate anxiety, depression, pain
• Help manage trauma and loss
• Boost the immune system

Healthy friendships emerge from mutual affection and form the social fabric of our lives. Good friends regard each other as special and irreplaceable. Each friendship matters and has a particular and unique place of value in our lives.

Sometimes a friendship does not support us in the ways that we need. When you notice that a friendship consistently leaves you feeling worse after spending time together, it might be time to reconsider the value of that relationship. Perhaps it makes sense to lessen contact with that person, or, in extreme cases, you may need to press the delete button. As difficult as that may seem, sometimes it offers the best alternative, and might even have a positive impact on your self esteem.

Some ideas for building friendships include:

• Treat like a “courtship”
• Take risks with someone you want to get to know
• Google an old best friend
• Be the one to take the first step
• Make dates and plans
• Take a class doing something you love

Make friendships a priority.

Good friendships offer a different kind of support than we get from our partners and family members. They offer a feeling of peer and social connection that enriches and invigorates our lives.

How invested are you in building and maintaining your friendships?

Everything changes when you feel love, especially your brain. Valentine’s Day reminds us to take stock and acknowledge what matters most – the connection we feel for others. Think about the people in your life with whom you experience love. Learn to “fire up” your brain and feel more love and intimacy in your life. The truth is we can celebrate the people we care about most in our lives on a regular basis and not only special occasions.

Love creates a powerful force that connects us all. It is the energy that runs through us like electricity. We feel it through touch, through words spoken kindly, through gestures and actions, and when we feel truly heard. Sometimes we are tuned into its presence and sometimes in our haste we remain oblivious. Keys to Firing Up the Brain to Experience More Love:

• Tolerating difficult feelings through abdominal breathing and learning mindfulness through meditation and constructive rest
• Actively listening to your friends or partner by paying attention to nonverbal cues as well as the spoken words
• Sharing your own thoughts and feelings as a critical part of the dialogue, helping to strengthen the connection with your partner
• Self-disclosure leads to greater openness, deepens the bond and builds trust into the relationship
• Practicing unconditional kindness leads to a stronger and healthier relationship, where your partner feels more appreciated and is likely to reciprocate
• Improving your capacity for compromise by understanding each others needs and wishes and being willing to meet half way or sometimes to give it up
• Building patience during difficult times by remembering to take some deep breaths and reminding yourself that this impasse is temporary

Put the love out into the universe without waiting for it to come to you and watch what happens. Everyday is an opportunity to create or expand the experience of love.

What’s one action you can take to bring more love into your life?

Last night my husband and I attended a stunning performance of Stravinsky’s Petrushka by the Boston Symphony Orchestra. At the intermission I asked him what he was thinking about during the concert. He said with a smile that he imagined old Bugs Bunny cartoons. At first I felt annoyed that his mind had not drifted off to a loftier place. While he was picturing Bugs I was imagining a cadre of ballerinas sweeping across the stage telling their story of pain and joy.

“Don’t judge. Just listen,” I reminded myself. It didn’t take long for me to emerge from my judgmental state and consider what my husband had just shared. He even said to me, “Randy, sometimes imagery is just imagery.”

What goes on in my husband’s head is deeply personal and unique to him. I don’t get to control his or anyone else’s thoughts, nor do I really want to. Besides, when I thought more about his image of the Bugs Bunny cartoons, it made me laugh. It brought me back to some wonderful memories. The pictures of my animated friends from the past darting through the woods and all of their cockamamie antics became much more vivid. For the rest of the performance I could not help thinking about the zany mischief these characters got into. This was indeed the soundtrack to our childhood.

Matters of the mind belong solely to each of us. As we move through our days and nights, inner thoughts, fantasies, and dreams are ours alone. We can shape these thoughts through meditation, affirmations, and self-hypnosis, but even then, the images that arise belong exclusively to the person having those thoughts.

What struck me about my husband’s imagery versus mine was how differently we perceived the same event. I could not help thinking of John Gray’s book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus . Simply put, men and women need to accept each other’s differences in order to be able to experience happier and more satisfying relationships.

So Bugs it is for my man and the cadre of ballerinas for me.

Viva la difference!

How do you honor the differences between you and your partner?